Lucky Lukey and Me
These stories are rated "G" for general audiencies
"Gators" They are most often seen in the eastern counties of North Carolina as well as the deep south eastern US. They grow up to thirteen to eighteen feet and are able to sprint for short distances up to thirty (30) to fifty (50) MPH. There is a picture of a real one above. The one referred to in this story is completely fictional. (So don't believe a word of it!)
'Round here we never see a gator. Never, never do we see a gator.So when my cuzin’ Lukey come up frum that branch (that’s another word for swamp case you didn’t know) that day shakin’ all over and white as a ghost tellin’ me and Lucky, (that’s his twin brother but they ain't really twins they just look so much alike people allways took them for twins.) ‘bout the biggest ‘gator he ever run up aginst, well you can see how we was doubtin’ the telling of the whole thang.
In the first place there ain’t never been no ‘gator fifty feet long and never ever has there been one that breathed fire and coughed out chicken bones and whole posssums. But that’s just howLukey tole it to us.
Anyhoo, Lucky and me gotta git to the bottom of this here story fer shore. Only thang, we can’t never do it 'til Lukey 'cides to come with us rite back to the place where he wuz suppozin to have seen the ‘gator. And he swore he weren’t gonna go back down there fer one cent lessern a hunnert dollers. Well that was shore outtern the question!!
So we, me and Lucky, had to fine a nuther way to perswade him to a cumpny us to de spot no matter whut da cost..
The Kiss Deal
Ever story needs a little romance in it.
We'd done offered Lukey everthang we had to go with us back down to the branch and show us where that gator wuz. He'd turned down my BB gun (and boy wuz I glad of that). Lucky offered him his ju-vim-ber (uh-oh here's a nuther 'splainer I think).
(A Ju-vim-ber is a small forked branch of a tree shaped into a "Y" to which two lastic or rubber bands are attached and a leather pouch thing is kinda attached between them and then you put a rock or perferbly a marble in the lether part and when you pull that pouch thang back between the forked branch and let it loose that marble or rock goes a flying and breaks out what ever your a shootin' at. (Usually a street light or a window pane)).
Oh Well, Lukey didn't even want to go down there for the prize of all time--my special Barlow jack knife for which I wouldn't have traded anyhoo! I just wanted to test him out and see if'n he woulda done it.
So Lucky an me finely 'cided on the "plan of all plans".
Lukey had been admirin' this little girl in the neighborhood for quite a while. Fact is, he really wuz in luv, least that's whut me and Lucky thank.
We would try an git Merleen Griffin to trade a kiss to Lukey if'n he would go with us to see the gator. This wuz a major plan. We had to talk and bargan with Merleen and then bargan with Lukey to make it work.
Merleen said she'd kiss him dead on the lips.
Lukey wuz excited 'bout the plan 'cause he wuz fin'ly gonna git a kiss frum his tru luv. Man! I wouldn't let no girl kiss me dead on the toe much less the lips and Lucky swore to me he wouldn't neither. I guess Lukey wuz just differnt'n me and Lucky. We never seen a girl we wanted to be 'round much less kiss.
Only thang is--Merleen's price!!
SHE WANTED TO COME WITH US TO SEE THAT GATOR!!!
Never, Never, Never wuz I ever gonna let no shemale come with us to no branch to see no gator.
The Kiss of Death!
This is probably the funniest part of the whole story! After all this is where the "kiss" really took place.
Lukey's ma, Aunt Mary, allus made him go with her to the church house ever time the doors wuz opened. That's where we (Lucky, Lukey, and myself) planned for Merleen to actually do the kissin'. It was all sposed to take place on the third row from the back while the preacher was praying and "ev'ry eye closed and ev'ry head bowed." (That's preacher talk for "nobody lookin' at nobody" so'zen nobody would feel guilty 'bout raisin their hand if'n they was to have been sinnin')
Well the plans wuz laid and Lucky and me couldn't hardly wait for the kiss to take place.
There wuz some things Lucky and me had to do afore the actual "kissin' ceremony" (we called it a ceremony 'cause it wuz a takin' place in the church house.)
The afternoon before the service Lucky and me went to the church and did a little preparin'. When we all three, Lukey included, went to church we wuz accustomed to sitting on the third row frum the back where we did anything to keep frum listenin' to Preacher "Sparks".
(Sparks wuzen't his real name we jus called him "Sparks" 'cause when he preached, Lukey, Lucky and me could feel the sparks of hell on our breetches and we trembled as we smelled the smoke frum the brimstone fire).
Most times we carried some type of distraction or nuther. This row was the only one close to the back which had a knot hole under the row in front of it and if'n we wuz caught playin' with somthing, we just poked it through that knot hole and went under the church later and got it back. (You see the church didn't have anything 'round the edges like underpinnin' so it wuz easy to crawl under.) That knot hole was a important part of Lucky's and my plan. We carried what is called a "country matchbox" with us and took a thumbtack and fastened the outside of the box to the floor allowing us to tie a string to the "drawer" part of the box and through the knot hole so'zen we could slide that inside part out from the outside of the church.
Check out my gallery and you can see that match box.
Now you can tell what I wuz talkin' 'bout. One of the pictures in my gallery is the box assembled and another is the box with the "drawer" slid out.
Then we used a thumb tack to hold the outside down then we could tie a string to the inside and slide it out. That string wuz run thru the knot hole and to the underneath and outside of the church.
You can see by the picture in my gallery how this thing worked. When the box wuz rigged up like this we could easily open it from the outside of the church house by pullin' on the string.
But! Inside that matchbox we put a mouse (we picked out a mouse 'cause its the only thing Merleen has ever been 'fraid of.) It wuz easy for us to pull that string and let the mouse out when ever we wanted. This had to be done at jus' the right time or the 'ffect would be wasted.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT PLAN WORKING???
Me and Lucky plan'd to be peaking through the winder next to where the kiss wuz to take place.
So having done all this, Lucky and me just slipped up to the winder and waited for the preacher to start praying and Merleen and Lukey to pucker up.
It happen't jus like we thought it would. Lukey puckerd, "Sparks" prayed and Merleen (pretty as she wuz) made the most gosh awful pucker I had ever seen. It kinda minded me of a certain part of a chicken (the part that went over the fence last).
Man! wuz she ugly now.
Everbody in the church had "ever head bowed and ever eye closed" in the usual fashion.
Lukey closed his eyes (but I don't know what for lessen it wuz to perteck hisself from the nasty look on Merleen's face). Merleen was the only one with her eyes opened. Just as she wuz 'bout to kiss Lukey, I pulled that string sliding out the "drawer" part of that matchbox and that mouse was pokin' his little head outen the end of the box. This is what Merleen saw as she wuz 'bout to lay one on Lukey.
The Church Uproar
Just as Merleen wuz about to kiss Lukey she saw that mouse
.
Now folks, I don't have to tell you what that did to her. She let out with a scream that would curdle milk and break ever eardrum within forty feet. She wuz a stompin' her feet and jumpin' up and down on that pew like her feet wuz a'fire. And she didn't stop screaming either.
Now! "every eye wuz open an ever head raised".
The preacher came running back to her, grabbed her, and drug her to the altar. There all the "sisters" in the church began to "lay hands" on her and pray for what they wuz a'thinkin' wuz a demon to come out of her. I ain't never heard such prayin' in my life and to tell you the truth, I wuz 'bout as scairt as I ever been. Lucky wuz as pale as a mashmello and his feet was a'running but he wuzent getting nowhere.
Now 'bout that time two big hands grabbed me and Lucky in the shirt collar and pul't us from the winder by the knap of our knecks. It wuz then I saw why Lucky wasn't getting nowhere even tho he was runnin' at top speed--his feet wern't touching the ground. Then I tried to run and my feet wern't touchin' the ground neither.
What had hold of us wuz ole man Jack Trublood who had fount the matchbox and figured out the whole thing. He saw the string and the hole in the floor. He then came out of the church and foun't me and Lucky by the winder, slipped up on us, and "layed hands" on us.
Ole man Jack proceeded to take me and Lucky straight to the altar and we wuz at the mercy of those Old Saints who wuz a'prayn' for Merleen. He threw us down for the kill and left us there. I felt more hands on me than a porcupine has sticky things. Some wuz a'pattin', some wuz a'rubbin', but all them women wuz a praying so hard and so loud that I nearly trembled myself to death. I didn't dare to raise my head nor to look around for fear I might be struck blind or worse.
The "sisters" kept praying and this went on for most an hour. Some kept asking me wuz I "saved" and I finally figered out that the only way I wuz gonna git up from there was to say I wuz.
I thought when I said I was "saved" that it would end or at least slow down a little but when I did that the shoutin' started. After all that's what the church is all about-gettin' people saved!
When it wuz all over, Lukey, Lucky, Merleen and me had all said we wuz "saved" and I felt like I really wuz deilvered from something. I guess this wuz the Lord's way of paying us back for playing in church. Anyways, that's the last time we ever took anything to distract us when we went to church. Brother Jack Trublood nailed a peice of wood over that knot hole so as to pervent anything from ever being poked down under the church again.
The kiss never happen't but all this did one thing. It made Lukey to where he wuzen't 'fraid of nothing. He figered if'n he could go through that he could face anything.
Lukey agreed to go with us to where that gator wuz!! HALLELUYA!!
Saturday was the big day
We plan'd to go and see that monster gator Saturday 'cause that's the day we can all slip off and hide from ma's and pa's. It wuz purty easy to stay in that branch all day on Saturday.
We also had to slip away frum Merleen. Ever since that "kiss thing" didn't work out she had been watchin' the three of us like a hawk after a chicken. Ever where we went, there she wuz. We would ride our bikes in the streets of town tryin' to loose her. Man! for three weeks now she wuz like fleas on a dog's back. ('Cep'ten we couldn't scratch her.)
This called for some more drastic action on our part. Just how wuz we gonna shake her? (Member she ain't scairt of nuttin' 'cept a little mouse.) We would be just wastin' our time to try to scare her off. We had to come up with somethin' she couldn't resist to draw her away frum us on Saturday.
We figured the best thing to do wuz to git her ma to make her stay home somehow. We had to git her ‘stricted to her own back yard!
We all knew that Merleen had a weakness-she loved animals. If'n she saw a stray cat, dog, or any sort like that she'd certainly make a effort to help it. This played into our hands also.
Miss Sadie Eubanks had a white cat that she luved like a young'un. She let it out ever now an then soz'en it could git some fresh air. Our plan wuz to capture that cat and dump him on Merleen's door step, knock on the door and run. Merleen wuz shore to pick that cat up and take it into the house. She'd probly hide it in her room soz'en her maw couldn't find it.
This is zactly what happent.
Ms. Sadie let out the cat an' we, Lucky and me, used a can of sardines which we had got frum the store earlier that day to make that cat innerested in comin' our way. Well we had the cat but we didn't want it to go back home so we put in a toe sack (that's home language for burlap.) Once we had the cat in the bag, so to speak, we just swung that bag 'round and 'round to make it drunk. Then we took the cat to Merleen's front porch and let the cat outta the bag. That cat just laid there like it wuz dead ceptin for the noise it wuz making. We knocked on the door and run for our lives. Merleen opened the door, saw that cat and picked it up and into the house it went.
Well Miss Sadie wuz so upset that her cat wuz missing that she started going from door to door to find it. When she got to Merleen's door she knocked and Merleen's maw answered the door. 'Bout that time Sadie called the cat's name. When that cat heard his name called, it went wild. It started running all over the room tearing down whateaver it touched. It climed the curtains and pulled them off the wall, knocked over what-nots and broke the lamp on the nite stan. All the time making a MEEEEOOOOOOW like the cry of a banshi or sump'in. Must have been all that "swingin’ ‘round in that bag made that cat scairt. Anyhow when it got its head halfway rite then it went crazy.
Now that ain't all that cat did. When cats git excited somehow it connects directly to their bowels. That's what happent this time. As that cat wuz running, so wuz its bowels. That stuff wuz ever where and the perfume that wuz with it made it impossible to stay in the room or the hallway.
I really thought they'd burn that house down to fin'ly git rid of that smell!
Needless to say, since this wuz Thursday and we wuz planning our trip to the swamp on Saturday, our Merleen problem wuz solved. She shouldn't have that mess cleaned up until the middle of next week. And her maw would make her stay home all week end. That left our way clear to go on with the plan to see that gator.
The Gator Trail
At last we were on the trail to see the gator. Lukey wuz our guide and the plans were being made.
I wuz glad most of all that the kiss hadn't took place. First, it might have ruint Lukey for life. You see, I didn't know girls wuz made for kissin' and it would be several years a'fore I fount it out. Lukey, on the other hand, wuz a little older than me and Lucky far as thinkin' of girls and stuff is. This wuz all 'cause he wuz in luv with Merleen to begin with.
Anyhow! On with the gator search!
I'm gonna put a map of the place where we wuz goin' here so you can tell just what kinda place this is.
Again I point you to my gallery for the map through the swamp.
All that gray on the map wuz trees and bushes so thick that a gnat had trouble flying thru it. There wuz a path (the red line) that we used whenever we played "Tarzan of the Jungle" or when we jus wuz a'mind to hide from ma and pa. This path won't very long but we considered it trecherus. No tellin' what you might run up on in these woods called "the branch". This is where we caught some of the best pet frogs in the world. Ever one we caught was already trained to scare girls. All girls that is 'ceptin Merleen Griffin. She wern't 'fraid of nuttin' but mice. These frogs were the absolute biggest in the world. Just to hear one croak in this branch wuz 'nuff to make you start to run 'afore you 'membered what that sound wuz. Personly, I think these frogs wuz born with scarin' in their blood. I also think Merleen wuz born that way too. 'Specially when I saw that "pucker" on her mouth in the church house that night. Now if'n I wuz to run up on her with a pucker on her lips down here in the swamp, I'd probly mess my pants. I can see why she wern't 'fraid of nuttin'. It wuz 'cause ever thang else wuz 'fraid of her.
You can see on the map there is a short way in and a long way in. Lukey, Lucky and me all'us took the long way. We had hidin' places ever where along that path. (Not for ourselfs but for thangs.) Whenever we fount somethin' that we wanted to keep outen our ma's and pa's hands we hid it along this path. We hid such things as matches, firecrackers, dry clothes and bullets. All this made our playin' down there more innerestin'.
We also liked this way in because the log across the creek wuz loose on one end and you could jump up and down on it to try and make the others fall off into the water. It wuz kinda like a spring-board. (Fact, we used it for one in the summer to jump into the creek.)
This is the spot where Lukey said he seen the gator.
Interesting Find
This is the part that makes things get more innerestin'.
As we walked along thinkin' 'bout what we wuz gonna find, all three of us 'magined ever thing frum a giant frog (of which there wuz plenty) to some sort of giant lizard that had done growed up way past the normal size and scairt Lukey half to death.
None of us wuz prepared for what we did see.
I'm gonna try and draw a pixture of it so you can git some idea.
What we found wuz a home-made gator. It wuz pieces of stove pipe put together and cut out to look like a gator. It'd been painted up and henged to make the jaw raise up. It wuz kinda scary at that.
Now you can see frum my pixture that this thing took some imaginin' and we all agreed that this wuzen't the work of no kid. This thing had to be made by a growed up and placed there to scare somebody outen their wits. Why you can see by those teeth that this wuzen't kid's work. Those teeth were cut out with some kinda scissors like my paw had in the tool shed at home. They wuz ragged and sharp on the edges!
Now that gator thing-a-ma-gig wuz rigged up sump'in like that rat in the box we used in the church house. It had a piece of some kinda cord run into it from the bottum and attached to a arm that made the top jaw raise up. The other end of that cord wuz attached to the end of the log that moved up and down when we would walk 'cross it. We fount all this out by darin' Lucky to cross the log while Lukey and me zamined the thang. There was some chicken carcusses down inside the jaw part and I supposen that's where the possums came from. You see, possums will eat anythings dead. We all just figuered that posssum came out of the gator after the jaw was raised.
Now here is the kicker! Lukey said he saw that gator breathing out fire and that's the part we didn't believe at'tall. But when we examined that thang, we found a lantern inside the pipe way back in the jaws of the home-made gator. IT WUZ LIT and when the jaw wuz raised you could look into the throat of gator and see that lantern.
Now that 'bout 'splains all this gator stuff.
BUT!!! we didn't like the ideee of somebody trying to scare us outen these parts of the branch 'cause that's where we played and romped all the time. If'n we had come in the short way we woulda made that jaw raise up and no doubt we would all have run outta them woods faster'n a rooster after a June Bug.
Now here wuz another puzzle. Just who made that gator and for what reason wuz it placed 'zactly where it wuz???
You can b'lieve one thang! WE WUZ GONNA FINE OUT!!!
Search for the Truth!
Well, Lucky, Lukey and Me 'cided to leave that gator just like we fount it and try an fine out who put it there. We knowd it wuz a growed up person 'cause that cuttin' and joining of the stove pipe wuzen't the doin's of a person without 'sperience. I knowd if'n I woulda tried to cut out them teeth my hands and fingers woulda been cut to pieces.
So we wuz lookin' fer a man! (or men)
There's certain thangs we knowd:
1.A growed up did it.
2. It wuz done to scare somebody.
3. That thang wuz made outta parts a kid can't get hold uf.
(not even Lucky and me)
4. It wuz placed 'zactly where we allus crossed that creek.
5. It musta been done to scare us 'cause we were the only ones which played in the branch.
6.The three uf us weren't gonna let nobody do that to us.
7. WE WUZ GONNA GIT TO THE BOTTOM UF THIS!!!
First thang we had to do wuz to start a search a these woods. We started in a circle and kept makin' a bigger circle. We walked 'bout ten yards apart so we could keep an eye on each other. It took us 'bout three hours but we found sump'in' 'spicious lookin'. It wuz barrels conected together by pipes. There wuz a big ole pipe run frum a metal tank to a nuther tall thang and these two were joined together. One had signs that a fire had built unner it and the other had a little spiket on the side. Settig 'round this whole contraption wuz jars full of what looked like water with lids on them.
We wuz all three thirsty so Lukey got one a them jars and took off the top. Boy! this stuff weren't water!! What it wuz wuz whiskey.
We done shore nuff run up on a whiskey still. I never seen one before but I seen pixtures of them in books.
Here's a pixture of one I tore outta a book:
Well here we were with fourteen half a gallon jars of whiskey and we wanted water.
Lukey, Lucky and me all three never tasted whiskey afore and we wouldn't have a better chance than this ever. We just dared each other 'til Lukey said he would try it first if'n we would. Then he backed out and 'cided not to do it. Wanting to taste this stuff so bad, we agreed to all git a jar, take the tops off, and on a count of three we would all turn it up and drank some whiskey for the first time in our lives.
ONE, TWO, THREE:
WE DONE IT!!
Man wuz that stuff bad! I thought I done poisioned myself to death. I wuz a burning frum the tip a my tongue to the bottom of my guts.
What had we done???? We wuz shorely gonna die! Within minutes, my head wuz a spining, my eyes wuz blurred and my lips wuz a tinglin' like when you go to the dentis' office and he sticks that needle in your gums.
WE WUZ GONNA DIE FOR SHORE!
Heads a Spinnin'
With "death approachin' (or so we thought) we just layed back and relaxed. Weren't much else we could do anyhow.
We all laid down and tried to stop the world frum spinnin'. I laid on a log and that log wuz a spinnin' so fast it threw me off three times. I laid back on the log and put my foot down to try and stop it frum spinnin'. That didn't do no good 'cause when I tried to stop the log frum spinnin' the whole ground started movin'.
I looked at Lucky and Lukey. They weren't having no luck stoppin' the twirlin' neither. I noticed they wuz a having trouble saying anythang I could unnerstan'. All their words wuz a runnin' together and they couldn't talk plain.
I did hear Lukey say he wuz gonna take a nuther swaller.
My goodness, what wuz he thankin'? We already couldn't motorvate. What wuz he tryin' to do go out in a blaze of glory?
Well, we already kilt ourselves, what could a little more hurt?
We all three swallered a nother gulp. I'm gonna tell you the truth, I felt kinda good!!! Before long ever thang they said wuz funny. I noticed we all three were laughing so hard we were crying and I didn't know why.
We were at somebodies' liquour still, drunk and not caring if we got caught.
Don't know how long we stayed there but I do remember heading out for home. After we fin'ly fount the path and figured out which way wuz home we headed outta the branch.
We didn't know that there was trouble waitin' for us up ahead. It wuz at the log where we usually crossed the creek. We were takin' the long way outta the branch and the log there wuzen't anchored on both sides of the creek. The side nearest to us was the "spring-board" end. Lukey tried first to cross the blame thang and he lost his balance and plummeted rite into the water of the creek. (This wuz the fall of the year so it won't no time for swimmin'.) That water wuz cold!!
As quick as a snake bitin' I reached out and grabbed Lukey by the hand and tried to pull him back to the bank. That wuz a mistake! He pult harder'n I did and he pult me rite in with him.
Our heads wuz still spinnin' a little frum that 'spiriment with the whiskey so we none could use our utinsels to good. Feet and hands just wouldn't do what we told 'em.
That water seemed to do somethang to the 'fect of that liquour. Me and Lukey began to feel a little more rite and we both struggled 'cross the branch and out the other side. That left Lucky on the other side by hisself.
Lucky said, "How am I gonna git to the other side?"
I said, "Man you are crazy, you're already on the other side."
Agin' we all busted our sides laughin'.
Lucky said, "Now you boys are on the other side and you ain't gonna fool me. I want to get to the other side too." (Kinda reminded me of what "Sparks" allus said when he wuz preachin' 'bout everbody a wantin' to git to the other side.)
Me and Lukey said we wuz gonna leave him there 'cause we wuz freezin' from being wet. As we started to walk away we heard a loud splash. Lucky done jumped in the creek and come to this side. Now he was wet like me and Lukey. But, we wuz all on the other side at least.
I told you before we hid thangs along that path. This is one time I am glad we did. We had some extra clothes hid beside the path in a certain spot 'case we wuz to 'cide to run away or sump'in. When we got to 'em we stripped naked and put on them dry duds. Man did they feel good!!!
We wuz all dried off and headed for the house. We just couldn't stop giglin' and laughin' 'cause everthang was so dad blamed funny.
By the time we got outen the water and made our way out of the woods it wuz nearly dark and we had to git home.
Oh well, tomorrow's a nuther day and we could plan how we wuz gonna git back at whoever wuz a makin whiskey in our branch and just who wuz a mind to try and scare us off with a fake gator like that.
Three Headaches Are Better Than One!
Sunday Mornin' dawned early and bright. Lukey, Lucky and me all had chores to do before church.
Only thang, MY HEAD HURT LIKE SOMEBODY HIT IT WITH A HAMMER!
Man! I ain't never had my head to ache like that. Ever time my heart would beat a pain shot thru my head like an injun arrow. It won't just on the inside, this ache started in the middle and filled up to the top of my skull bone. I tried to comb my hair and found out that my hair hurt. Ever time I blinked my eyes it felt like the lastic on my ju-vim-ber broke and socked me in the eyes.
And boy wuz I thirsty! I felt like if'n I didn't get some cold water I would shorely dry rite up. I went to the frigerator and got me the pichure of water and to the cabinet and got a glass. I gulped down a big glass and a half uf a nuther.
Guess whut happent next!
I got drunk all over agin! My head started spinnin' an my guts started churnin'. For long I had trouble walkin' strait. I went outta the house supposin' to do my chores but mainly to git away frum ma and pa. When I reached the chicken pen where I wus gonna get feed and throw it out for them chickens I had an awfully powerful feelin' in my guts to do somethin' I really hate to do. THROW UP!! Well, this I done. I thought I'd never stop up-chuckin' what I had eat for supper.(Thank God I hadn't eat no breakfast 'cause there wern't no need to waste perfectly good eggs and sausage with grits and ma's home-made bisquits.)
It seemed hours passes but it wuz only a few minutes or so.
Guess what?
My paw heard me making them noises and come to 'vestigate what wuz happnin'.
He said, "Boy what's wrong with you and what chew been doin?"
I said, "Nothing paw, I just don't feel too good." (And that wuz an unnerstatement.)
Paw said, "You must be comin' down with sump'in'. Get on up to the house and I'll finish these chores myself."
Now that seemed mighty nice of paw. I didn't take a split secont to think 'bout it, I just made a break for the house.
When paw got in the back door he tole ma that I wuz a'comin' down with sumpin. Uh Oh! I knew jus whut that meant. Ma called me to her and felt my head. (I thought she would shorely see how big it had grown overnight.) I don't know what is is 'bout feelin' my head that tells her so much. Then she bent down and smelt me. That musta tole her sumpin' cause she reached fer the Caster oil and a spoon. She poured out two big spoonfuls and made me take 'em.
Then she said, "Paw, I thank this boy had better stay home frum church today. He might be havin' a little more trouble than you thank."
I wuz shorely glad of that. I wouldn't have to listen to Sparks beggin' folks to get ready for the other side. Most uf all I wouldn't have to set there tryin' to hole my head up while he wuz a'doin' it. God musta knowed the shape I wuz in.
After ma and pa left fer church is when my problem really began. My gut wuz churnin' and my head wuz a'hurtin' and I didn't know what to do 'bout it.
All of a sudden, it started curin' itself. Deep in my gut was a pressure that caused me to hurt like a knife wuz a'stikin' in my belly. I knew frum past experience what this meant. I had took caster oil afore but this wuz the first time ma had ever gave me two spoons full.
I don't thank I need to continue with this 'splaning. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M A TALKIN' 'BOUT!!!!
Ma and pa wuz gone 'bout two hours and I wuz still in the toilet when they got back.
Ma said, "Son are you feelin' better?"
I said, "Shore am ma. That medicine you give me done the trick." I knowed I wuzen't gonna ever let on that I still felt bad 'cause I didn't want no more castor oil you betcha.
'Bout three a clock I met Lukey and Lucky an we talked 'bout this situation.
First off, Lukey and Lucky been through just whut I had; complete with the castor oil.
All three uf our heads ached 'til 'bout one ah clock. It wuz then we began to venture outern our houses to look fer one a nuther. Anyhow, when we wuz satisfied we weren't gonna die we began to make plans to get even with whoever did to us what they did in the swamp.
Bombs in the Branch
It wuz time we got down to business.
Won't no way we wuz gonna let nobody git the best uf us. I tole you that bafor.
Now just whut we wuz gonna do would take some plannin'.
I seemed to be the planner so I put my brain into gear. This thang would take time to work out the 'zact action to take to git the most bang for our bucks so to speak.
THAT'S IT!!! Bang for our bucks.
You 'member 'bout them things we hid along the path? Well, I tole you there wuz some firecrackers amongst our stuff. I's thanking that if'n we wuz to string out kinda in a half-circle 'round that likker still and set off the firecrakers it'd shorly scare the dickens outta whoever wuz at the still.
When I tole the plan to Lukey and Lucky they thought it wuz the greatest plan they'd ever hearn uf so we wus set to perform tha bess plan ever to get e'vun wid whoever tried to scare us.
Ony thang wuz we didn't know when they would be there. So we had to plan to spen' de nite 'a' lookin' for them to show up.
I knowed a little bit 'bout tha likker makin' thang. When we wuz there I 'member seein' some barrells with some stuff in them looked like slops we feed the hawgs. It smelt to high heaven and I thank it has to get to smellin' that way jus' afore they's make likker outern it. So what we had to do wuz come down to that still and wait for that stuff to smell real sourly like and plan to be in tha woods that night. (I thank that wuz the best time to be there.)
This is jess whut we done.
Me an Lukey an Lucky convinced our maw and paw we wuz gonna stay overenite at each other's houses so as to let them thank we wuz safe and soun' durin' the nite. This give us free wheel to do what we wuz want to do.
All three of us clothed up heavy an' plan'd to spen' tha nite in tha branch near that likker still. We went in by tha long path and picked up our matches and firecrackers so as to light 'em off on t'other side uf tha still. We figur'd whoever wuz there would make a brake for it down this path and try to cross at tha log we used for a spring board. If'n you wuz in a hurry you prob'ly wouldn't make it 'cross tha log. That meant we had a purty good chance of catchin whoever it wuz when they tried to jump onto the log.
We waited and waited for someone to show up to make that likker. I s'pose it wuz 'bout 'le'em "a"clock when we heard the first noise in tha woods. Shore 'nuff this wuz tha nite tha likker makin' wuz to take place. We heard 'em talkin' and waited another hour before we spread out 'bout fifty yards apart an' lighted off them firecrackers.
When them firecrackers got to goin' it sounded like cannons 'a' faring off. Some of 'em wuz little ones and some wuz biguns. It wuz the biguns that sounded like danymite.
I ain't never heard such yellin' and hollerin'. Them two men broke into a run headed rite for tha log at tha long way into tha branch. This is jess whut I thought they'd do.
We lit off another roun' uf firecrackers and they really got into high gear. They's jumpin' logs and pushin' over bushes tha likes uf which I never seen.
The three uf us wuz kinda slippin' 'long in tha woods watchin' the 'citement. When the two uf them got to tha log bridge tha first made a jump for the springboard end and almost made it. The second made a little longer jump and landed on tha log but his legs split on tha log. One foot went on one side uf the log and one foot on tha other. He let out a loud scream that made noises bounce back tha same as he said it. It echoed 'least three or four times afore it qwit.
When this happen't we got scared and slipped back a little into the woods. We thought we'd better hide for a while. We kinda knowed we wuz caught with all this racket. When the lie wuz fount out 'bout us stayin' together then we wuz shore caught.
What could possa'bly get us outern this'un?
Saved by the BELLE!
Lukey, Lucky and me wuz 'a' hidin' tryin' to figure out jess how we wuz gonna git outern this'un when tha bess thang that ever did happen to us happent.
We heard the feet steps of somebuddy else in the swamp. They's coming and runnin' from the d'rection of the likker still and a yellin' to tha tops of their lungs. When they reached tha log they didn't even try to git on and git over. They jess stopped and begun to laugh so hard they fell down an' grabed their sides to keep 'em frum a bustin'.
Warn't nothing better coulda happent than for Merleen Griffin an' her new beau to come up on these two men like they did. Ya see, when they showed up it made it look like they wuz 'sponsible for tha hole thang.
We wuz offen the hook.
I didn't tell you why we wuz on tha hook in the first place.
It's kinda like this. Them two men we had scairt frum that likker still wuz my paw and Uncle Bill, Lukey and Lucky's paw. Turns out they's tha ones makin' likker in our branch.
By Merleen and her beau a follern us down there that nite they took tha blame fer the hole thang and we wuz home free!
Lucky Lukey and Me
Now! Let’s get on with Lukey and the Gang.
The three of us wuz tight’ern cream ‘n milk (and you know the only thang tight’ern that is the cow.) We done ever thang agether. Whur you seen one youse apt to see the other’n.
Let me tell ya a story ‘bout the celebrashun in town ever year on the fourth day of July.
The oginizers of the ‘vent put on bettern good show. All these thangs wuz for the whole fambly. Ma’s and pa’s and everbudy.
Let me tell you ‘bout the things they’d planned. The had everthang. And I mean everthang. Why they’s a pig catchin’, a pole climbin, sack races, lemonade, watermelon seed spittin, horse shoe chunkin, goat restlin, and pie eatin contest an a whole lot more. For the growed ups theys, baseball on donkeys, also a big pie eatin contest. They had a cage where one person got p in there and everybody else throwed baseballs a trying to dump that there one n a tub of water. Now this here all started ‘bout ten o’clock in the mornin and quit ‘bout ten oclock in the night. We eat dinner and supper rite there in the park. After all this they’s a great big farwurks thang. Man! This was the funnest day of the whole year!
Lukey, Lucky and me got there early and kind spied thangs out. We always took pride in what we could do at that there celebrashun. There wuz certain thangs we wanted to git a edge on if ‘n you know whut I mean. We wanted to check out the pole clim’in, tha pig catchin, watermelon seed spittin, goat restlin, and the pie eatin contest. We felt shur that one t’other of us wuz shore to win most of these contests. We didn’t enter the sack race bacuz there wuz only three uf us and there needed to be four (you see they’s two to a sack.)
The first event wuz the horse shoe chunkin. Lucky and me didn’t even try that. Lukey wus taller than we wuz and he had more muscles than we did. The objec wuz to chunk a horse shoe (minus the hoss) and come close to a iron stob the one closes to the stob was a winner. The very bes chunk was a “ringer.” That’s whur the horseshoe landed around the stob.
Well we wuz there and reddy to go.
So let the games begin!!!
Tha switch that turns you on
Lukey went n for that horseshoe chunking determin to win. He’d already been practizin in the yard at the house. He took aunt Mary’s tin tub and tried to pitch rocks ‘bout the size of a cannalope into the tub. Boy he got good at that. He would chunk ten an ‘bout seven would go in. He got better and better in tha weeks jus b’for tha celebrashun. As he practized them rocks bent tha sides of tha tub and knocked holes in tha botton. We nun didn’t notice this ‘til Aunt Mary started to wash some clothes in tha tub. She noticed tha bends in tha tub and yelled out, “LUCKY GIT OUT HERE RITE NOW!!!” That wuz her furst wurds when sumpin went wrong.
Lucky come a runnin and he never thought much ‘bout that tub being bent. (Lucky wuz tha most hard-headed one of tha two Aunt Mary jus guessed he wuz tha one tore up tha tub.) When Lukey heard Lucky’s name called he lit out fur the swamp. Lucky made tha mistake uf laffin’ at tha water pourin frum the tub. Aunt Mary jus picked up that tub and poured tha whole thang over lucky. (Now don’t ask me how she done it, I don’t know. Less’ern it wuz one uf them thangs where you have more strangth that you calls up when yore mad. Whatever it wuz, she had it.) That weren’t all what she done. Aunt Mary went over to tha “switch bush” (it’s called that ‘cause that’s whur tha long limbs of tha bush are and long limbs make good switch tan yore hide when you needed beatin. Tha “board of edgycashun” took the place of the switch when you grew up a little more.) Well Luckey went to runnin’ and Aunt Mary went to chasin’. Runnin’ and chasin’ and a runnin’. Aunt mary had her dress pulled up to whur you could see her “bloomers” so she could run faster. Lucky had all he could do to stay ahead of her-but that’s what he done. After a little bit Aunt Mary stopped in her tracks and let down her frock. Lucky stopped ‘bout twenty-five yards frum her.
Aunt Mary yelled at him, “That’s alright boy you gotta come sometime a nuther!”
And that wuz so true. Suppertime would come a calling and Lucky would want to eat. But the thang wuz he hadn’t done a thang. You’ll see later on that time after time Lukey had the fun and Lucky had to run. In fact me and lucky spent a lot’o our time just thanking what we could do to git Lukey into trouble. Like when Merleen Griffen kissed him in the church that time. I’ll never fergit hit.
Meenwhile Lukey wuz a hidin in the swamp but not too deep so as to be able to see an hear whut happent to Lucky. They say, “ever dog has it’s day” and fur doing this to Lucky, Lukey had a day a comin’. Only he didn’t know it wuz a comin.
Aunt Mary wuz right. Lucky wuz a gittin haungry (now there’s a difference in hungry and haungry. Hungry meant that you could eat sumpin. Haungry meant yore back bone wuz a telling your stomack, “either feed me or I’m a gonna take you to cort for non support.”) When you’re hungry, you belly makes a sound like a kitten purring. When you’re haungry it sounds more lack one of them lions that ain’t ett in a week or two. Haungry wuz what Lucky wuz. He’d already stayed in the corn crib way past supper and he wuz a wantin supper and his bed.
Lucky cided after ‘bout nine o’clock he’d been out there long enuff. Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill were in tha bed ‘round seven thurty so Lucky wuz shore tha path wuz cleeer.
He crept down tha ladder from tha loft (that’s upstares in tha barn). Jes when his foot hit the groun the first of many strokes of that switch caught him just abuv the knee. He started to run agin. Aunt Mary wuz right behin him. This time she had her night clothes on and she had more room fer her legs to move. Lucky tried to run faster but he jes couldn’t outrun her. She wuz a matchin him step fur step.
Step and switch, swipe and run, they’s a runnin like they wus in the army and a marching step fur step. Aunt Mary would swing that switch in betwixt steps. It was a thing to behold. It looked like sumbudy had mapped out each step and each swing of that switch.
Suddenly Lucky stopped running. You see, there wuz a trick that tha three uf us played on each other. If’n it ever wuz that one started a chasin’ tha other tha one in front would just fall down and ball up and tha one behind would trip and fall over the one that stopped. Yep! That’s what Lucky done. He stopped balled up in a ball and Aunt Mary was caught too late to stop. She tumbled ‘bout ten feet. Let me say she didn’t jus tumble, she rolled for ‘bout fifteen feet in all.
Well Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill raised chickens that they let run loose in the yard.
Do I have to tell you any more?
OK! I will. Aunt Mary rolled through a mess of black and white chicken fertilizer and when she got up her night-gown looked like leppard skin ‘cause of that (and this is just as euphemistic as I can say it) chicken fertilizer.
Lucky opened his mouth to laugh, but he knew he better not. And he didn’t know if this thing wuz over or not.
Lucky swore (although he weren’t sposed to swear) he wuz gonna git Lukey back fer this ‘un iff’en he had to take forty beatings.
Put through the ringer
You know how we left off that thang wid Aunt Mary? Member? She wuz lying on da groun’ covered with fertilizer. Kinda puts a body in mind of one a them peenut logs ‘cept wid out tha peenuts. That’s to be continured.
Now let’s git on wid the party in tha park. Lukey was one of twenty (20) that wuz going to chunck horseshoes. Heere’s whur he put that practice ta work. In order to win hit all, alls you had ta do wuz to win four games strait. First there wuz twenty, then there wuz ten, then there wuz 5, then there wuz three and finly there wuz two. Lukey worked hisself up to the champiun ship roun’ by chunking fourteen ringers thru his tot’l games. Now the heat’s on. Lukey took a gander over to his ‘ponent fur tha last and champshun ship game. To his suprize hit wuz a girl. It wuz Margaret Prince! Lukey most dropped his teeth.
Now Margaret won’t big nor tall in fact she wuz kinda cute. (Did I SAY THAT????) Fact wuz she wuz the first girl I ever thought wuz cute (borderin on purty.)
Margaret went first and on her first chunck she hit a ringer and come purty close on her secont shot. Only way fur Lukey ta win wuz for him to throw a “topper.” (That’s when you chunck and your shoe goes on the top o’ a ringer your ‘ponent throwed. A topper wuz worth ten points A ringer wuz worth five points.)Try as he wuld, he didn’t evun come close. Guess he wuz nervous being challunged by a shemale. The next roun’ Lukey won with a leaner. (A leaner is when the horseshoe leaned aginst the stob.) The score wuz 9 ta 9 and you had ta win by two points. Lukey throwed a nuther leaner and Margaret went and chuncked a hourseshoe that knocked Lukey’s right off the post and two feet away. That made tha score 10 ta 9. Lukey won the next roun’ and they’s tied 10 ta 10.
Hit wuz Lukey’s turn and he throwed a ringer. Tha only way fer Margaret ta win wuz fer her ta throw a topper. HE DID!! Shock set in for all three uf us.
Margaret had won one of the bestest games uf all. Tha three uf us wuz in shock. But there wuz other avents ta go.
Next come the pig chasin. Now that ‘un wuz our’n fer shore!!!
They put off tha pig catchin’ cause they cudden’t ketch tha pigs to put em in tha pin. So we went on to the sack race.
It’s in the Bag!
Lucky an Lukey teamed up fer tha sack race adder all. I couldn’t wait to see Lucky and Lukey win that un. After all jest lack tha horseshoe throwin’ they’d practiced at home. All the toe sacks (that’s what we stuffed corn in and anything else it’d hole. I thank it us called “burlap”) wuz full so they jest took a pillar case from tha pillar in Lucky’s room an used hit. Uh! Oh! Here’s more truble fer Lucky. When Aunt Mary finds that pillar case a missin’. Member that fertilizer roll ain’t over yet. Now here’s sumpin’ else to add to tha pot.
Everbody wuz on tha start line and reddy to git a going but me. I wuz on tha side watching an a fixin to holler to tha top of my lungs fer Lucky and Lukey to win.
Jest then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned ‘roun and there wuz Margaret with a sack in her hand.
Margaret said, “You wanna ta les race in this sack?”
My mind said , “No way!” But that ain’t whut come outern my mouth. I didn’t bleave my ears when I said, “I..I…I gggg uess so.”
Oh good Lordy what had I done? She took tha bag and I follered her to tha start line. Both my knees wuz a shakin and I cudn’t hardly stan on one lag to put the othern in that bag. I put tha shakiest foot in that bag that I could muster up. She put her lag in with mine. I feld jest like a fool here with my leg in a bag and my arm ‘roun Margaret’s wase an her arm ‘roun my wase. I done some scary thangs in my life but I thought this wuz tha scariest. I got myself ina mess an it wuz jest because she didn’t have nobody to race with her. Tha bad thing ‘bout it wuz everbudy would shore see me since they warn’t a nuther girl in tha race. Oh! Lordy, Lordy jest how did I git myself in this sitiation? It wuz too late to pray now. We wuz on tha line and tha whisul wuz a gonna blow enny secont.
WHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!!
That wuz the whisul an we took off fast as we could. Air legs wuz just the right match for us to run fast. Air hip bones brushed together as we run. (Oh my God! Did you hear what I jest said.? I AM A BRUSHING HIP BONES WITH A SHEMALE!!!)
I shore wuz glad the race warn’t a long one. It us bout long as the path frum the house to the old toilet that we never used no more. Anyways I wanted it to be over jest’s fast as hit cud. I wuz a runnin’ wid my eyes shut, an I wuz a runnin’ fast. I thought if’n I wuz to shet my eyes maybe, jest maybe folks wudn’t know who I wuz. Not!!!!
Anyhow we wuz runnin’ and danged if we weren’t a doin purty good. I member peeping a time or two an we, Margaret an me, wuz a winnin’.
Margaret Prince and me wuz a runnin’ faster than I ever run b’fore. Tha finish line wuz a piece of backer twine stretched betwixt two trees. I felt tha strang git tite across my chest and then I felt hit break. By golly we’d won-Margaret an me!! Jest as we broke that twine we tripped and fell. We’s both laying on tha groun’ laffing. I laffed so hard my sides felt like they’d split.
Then sumpin’ turribul happent. She looked at me and said, “Thank you Martin, I had fun.” Did I hear her right. Martin! She knowed my name. I wonder did she know all my name. Justin Martin McBride, Jr. that’s me. An she called me Martin. Uf all my whole name I hated Martin and she called me Martin. I wuz about to tell her never to do that agin but when I turnt my head an looked in her eyes tha worse thang in the worl happent. She kissed me dead on the lips.
Next thang I know I wuz awaking up by Margaret a sayin, “Martin, Martin! You alright?” Come to fine out I musta passed out or sumpin. (Folks, I really swooned although I didn’t know nothing about such as that. Now when you swoon you lose awareness as to your surroundings. It ain’t nothing unusual for that to happen when one receives his/her first kiss.) I herd her a sayin’ my name, the one I hated, and it sounded so good when she said it. It wuz like a bird singin’ my name.
Alls I cud thank uf was that kiss Merleen put on Lukey in the church house. But this’un wuz diffrunt.
I FELT SICK TO MY STOMACK!!!
A Pig in a Poke
Tha sack race wuz over, I’d done been kissed and tha prizes wuz ‘gone ta be give out when all tha stuff wuz over. Now here wuz a embarcing thang if there ever wuz one. They’s gonna ‘nounce tha names of tha winners. Over tha loud speaker I wuz gone ta hear my name in tha same sentence as Margaret Suzette Prince! Warn’t nuttin worsern that. Bad enough I fell down in a sack with her, now everbudy wuz a gonna hear my name with hers. I cudn’t stan hit so I run and hid bahind a great big oak tree and by this time Lucky and Lukey made their way ta whur I wuz. I ain’t never seen them a grinning no wider than they wuz now.
They’s both a saying, ”Margaret, Margaret, saw her hit the target.” And “Justin’s in luv. Justin’s in luv.” J. M., Jr. wuz my real name.” My pa wuz Justin Martin and so wuz mine ceptin fer tha Jr. part.
I yelled, “SHUT UP AND LET’S GO CATCH A PIG.”
Thay said, “ Looks like you already did. A red headed one.”
Tha folks a runnin’ tha thang had fin’ly got them pigs in tha pen and wuz reddy ta go. Me and Lucky and Lukey went to look into tha pen a fore they’s let out. What we saw wuz anuff to make a person go crazy. There in that there pen was ten uf tha ugliest hogs I done ever seen. Why they had black grease all over ‘um. It won’t gone a be jest a simple pig catchin’, it wuz a greasy pig catchin’. Tha grease wuz added since last year. Hit wuz hard enuff ta ketch em without tha grease. That’s already been seen when thay’s a trying to ketch ‘em and git ‘em in tha pen.
Now thay wuz gonna count ta ten and let’ em go. Tha furst one ta ketch one and hole it slam up offern the groun’ wuz tha winner. Now all four feet had ta be up offern tha groun. We just had ta win this’un. One uf us had ta be tha one a holdin’ a pig.
That gate wuz throwed open and them pigs lit out. We wuz in the fenced-in ball field so they cudn’t run but jest so fer. I grabbed on by tha hind leg a one and Lukey grabbed hit by tha snout (snout is tha pigs nose.) We figured Lucky, since he wuz short and strong ta boot, cud take a hold of the middle and lift hit up. Jest as Lucky wuz ‘bout ta take a good hold that pig bit Lukey and he let go. Lucky didn’t even get a hold and I wuz drug ‘bout ten feet and I let go.
We all stood up an “surveyed tha plot” so to speak. There wuz a storm ditch a runnin’ crossed ways tha field. It only stood ta reason that if’n one uf us wuz ta git down in tha ditch and tha other two chased a pig down tha ditch tha one in tha ditch could ketch it. Sounded like a plan ta me. Lucky got in tha ditch and me and Lukey wus tha chasers. Well everthang went good ‘til James David Tadlock got in tha ditch in front of Lucky. That pig run straight ta James and he made a grab for it. He almost got it too. But, that hog run right through his legs. Turns out he wuz “so bow legged he couldn’t hem a hog up in a ditch.” You heard dat b‘fore! Right thru James’ legs and into Lucky’s arms that’s whur that pig run. Lucky come up outtern’ that ditch with that pig and he wuz da clared da winner.
We wuz so happy at Lucky’s win that they fergot, ‘bout me and Red (Margaret) fer a little while.
We three headed over for tha lemonade stan to cool off with a nice cold glass.
It ain’t all Roses
I never made it ta tha lemonaid stan. I got jest ‘bout half way frum tha place whur we caught that pig and I felt a turribul pain in my gut. This pain bent me dubbel. I never felt hurtin’ like dis before.I fell strait down and jest laid there. I couldn’t baleeve it; I wuz a cryin. I really didn’t want ta cry but I cudn’t help it. Tears came a tricklin’ down my face and Lucky bent down to help. Lukey run fer my Ma.
Lucky said, “Justin, whuts the matter? Why you cryin?” They’d never seen me cry before. I shore didn’t want them ta see me now neither. I jest cudn’t help it.
Ma got there and she sent fer Pa. When Pa got there he jest picked me up and went towards tha car. He put me in tha back seat and ma got in with me. He drove home and Ma got out tha caster oil. Oh! No! Tha last time I got that wuz when we came back frum the swamp where tha alligator wuz. You member that don’t chew?
Aunt Mary come thru tha door ‘bout that time and she said, “Louise, (yep that wuz her name. Mary Louise Thornton McBride) I heard that you shouldn’t give a yungun caster oil when they’s had a real bad stomack ache.”
Ma said, “Mary I heard that and I don’t know whut I’ wuz a thankin. What you thank we ought a do?”
“Well seing as how this thang come on tha boy so fast you might ought ta take that boy ta tha doctor or sumpin.” She said.
‘Bout that time I yelled out loud. Ma put her hand on my belly and it most killt me. Pa come in and he said, “Load him up! We’re goin ta tha hospitle.”
When we got ta tha hospitle and the doctor finly got to me he said I had pendisitis an I needed a operashun. I never even knowed anybody had a operashun. What wuz they gone do to me. My ma tried to splain jest how they wuz gone a make me go to sleep and take sumpin outern me. Alls I could see wuz them a guttin’ me like a hawg. I’d seen that and every hawg had that done ended up on tha table or stuffed in sausage or sumpin worse. I knowed one thang! I shore didn’t want them a doin’ that ta me.
They laid me on this long tabul with wheels on it and Ma and them rolled me out into anuther room.
Ma said, “Now Justin, baby boy, (Uh! Oh! Somethang wuz really wrong she never called me Baby Boy lessern I wuz really sick) ever thang is gone a be alright.”
They rolled that bed into a room with a big light n a middle. It shore wuz cold and a lady a wearin’ a mask said , “Sonny Boy you cold?” An in betwixt shakin’ I said. “Y…Y…Yeees MMM mam.” She put one o the warmest blankets over me that I ever felt.
Then she said, “I’m a gone a put a lil needle in your arm, you think you can stand that without crying.”
I shore wanted my Ma and Pa. But I said, “I thank so. Is it gone a hurt?”
She said, “Jest a little. You won’t cry will you?" I couldn’t cry now. She wuz a stranger and I just couldn’t cry while she wuz a looking. She put tha needle in and it hurt like “hell!” Then it didn’t hurt and I got real sleepy. Next thang I knowed, I’s a wakin up in a bed that warn’t mine and Ma wuz on one side and Pa wuz on tha t’other. Ma looked like she’s been a crying. I jest couldn’t hole my eyes open lessen they’s ta call my name and then I’d open em up jest long anuff ta peep at whoever called my name. I wuz in a land from somewhurs else.
I finely woke up but I don’t know how long I been a sleep. When I did Ma an Aunt Mary wuz a standin over me like they’s gone a wush me good bye. They both had holden a hand a piece and they wuz both a callin’ me. Hit sounded like their voices wuz a thousant miles away. I begin ta worry. The only time I ever knowed anybody ta git in the hospitle was my granpa. And he never come back home. Now wuz I gone a do tha same thang? I’d rather jest stay asleep. So I did.
Don’t know how long I slep. But when I woke up agin I stayed awake. I had a hurtin down in my right side. I reached down to put my hand on it and felt something big and soft. It hurt bad when I touched it.
Ma said, “Son don’t do that. Let it alone, You want ta tear them stitches out?”
Stitches!!! Whut wuz she saying did they run me through a sewin’ machine or sumpin’? Anyhow, it didn’t take me long ta figure out that leaving that thang alone wuz best fer me.
Hit wuz ‘bout dark an they brung me sumthin’ to eat. This wuz the first time I ever member seein’ food I jest couldn’t eat. Ma, Aunt Mary, and Pa wuz in the room. Pa said, “Mary Louise, I’m gone a go ta tha house. If’n ye need me call ta tha Potters an maybe they’ll fetch me ta their telephone.” Aunt Mary left with him.
Next morning Ma washed me off an drug me up in tha bed. Man did that hurt! They brought me some more uf that food I couldn’t eat. And again at dinner tha same thang. It wuz after supper when Lucky Lukey and Aunt Mary come to see me. Lukey and Lucky commence to tell me uf the way the games turnt out. Some uf tha stuff they’s a telling was so funny but I couldn’t laff. God! But I wanted to hear it but it kilt me to laff. Ma and Aunt Mary made um be quiet so’s it wouldn’t hurt when I laffed. After they left I fell off to sleep agin.
Schoolroom Madness and the Card Read ‘Roun the Wurld
Guess whut? Thair wuz a nuther mirical in tha air. You see I had ta stay home frum school ta tha next week. Now that wuz shore gonna be heaven. Me out o school by my self and able ta do jest whut I wuz want ta do. Aftur a day I wuz able ta git out o tha bed and walk purty good and strate. My side wuzzent a hurtin like hit did. I evern went outside fer a spell. I shore wuz a gitting better.
But tha best thang happn’t wuz me a getting inta that nanner puddin’ Aunt Mary brought. I been a wantin some a that evun bafor I left tha hospidle. Well today is tha day I wuz gone a have my fill uf hit. Ma got me a bowl and just let me eat and eat. Hit wuz tha bess I ever tasted. So I kep on eatin. My stomack didn’t hurt so bad anymore an I really put that puddin away. That wuz dinner time and I didn’t even want no supper. I wuz sill fullern a tick.
Now that whole week I wuz out a school Lucky brung my lessins home so’s I wudn’t git behind. I done em up quick and fin’ly after ‘bout three days uf this I got able ta play with my BB gun and hunt birds and stuff. But them last two days and Saturday and Sunday wuz just unbarable
Now here’s tha mirical I promised you in tha first part up thair.
I WANTED TO GIT BACK TA SCHOOL! I can’t believe I wanted ta go ta school. Me, Justin McBride, a wantin’ ta go ta school.
I got ta stay home frum church so I at lease didn’t have ta hear “Sparks” a peachin ‘bout getting ta tha other side. Ya know whut? I felt jset like I had done been ta tha other side when I’wuz at tha hospital. I wuz somewhere else for shore. I don’t know whur an I don’t want ta go back.
Monday fin’ly come an I got on tha school bus. It started bafor I set down. Ever one of them yunguns was a asking questions faster than a automadic rifle. I answered all I could and then they wanted ta see my scar. Why you might a thought I wuz a wounded soldier a comin’ home from tha war. I wuz a herow uf a sort. Showin my scar made me feel like I wuz superman. I liked hit.
When we got ta tha school everone in my room looked at me and then they all tried ta talk at wonst. I cudn’t her most of them but tha ones I did hear all had the same question, “Did hit hurt?” Why hell heck yeah hit hurt. What’d they thank. Sombuddy took a knife an split me open and took sumpin out a me. When I showed them the scar all over agin them that hadn’t seen it said, “oooooooo.” Almose at tha same time. I could tell I wuz their herow.
Then hit happened agin. Margaret come over ta me ta give me a card signed by all the yunguns’ in tha class.
I tuck one look at Margaret and saw sumpin I ain’t never seen before ner since. Her red hair shined like a polished red plum. Hit wuz cut off jest above her ears and won’t long at all in tha back. That wuz the purtiest hair I ever seen. Her eyes had sumpin in ‘em. I don’t mean trash or nuttin like that. They’s bluern tha Carolina sky. I thought she wuz a lookin slam through inta my pure soul. Her skin mimded me of what ma an granma used ta make butter. Hit wuz the same color as what come ta tha top uf milk. They called that cream and her skin wuz that same color only maybe jest a lil bit lighter. I couldn’t help it I felt week in da knees.
She handed me tha card an I wuz glad that wuz all she done. I probly didn’t ‘preciate tha card ‘cause I never sowed it ta ma. But I never fergot it neither.
Drownin’ in “Red”
(Now I know you’re smart enough to read and understand and you’re ready to jump all over the fact that you don’t go to school in July. But this is an unusual year. The flood after the hurricane cause the schoolhouse to get damaged and the kids were out of school for two months after that in order to have the school repaired. So it’s July and the kids are in school for just this one July.)
Now on with the tale.
As a usual thang when tha bell rung Lucky and me wuld go a runnin’ and meet up with Lukey bafore we got ta tha bus. Not today! I done been made fun uf and laffed at ‘cause they fount out ‘bout that sack race an hit wuz passed ‘roun frum yungun ta yungun and they all knowed ‘bout it. So when tha last bell rung I jest lit out fer the door and went strate ta tha school bus. I wuz tha firs one there and I set down in the firs seat bahine tha driver. (At that time them in the lementh an twelf grade wuz tha drivers.) I usual set in tha aback with Lucky an Lukey but today I didn’t want nobody ta see nuttin but tha back uf my head. I really didn’t want ta have ta look at Margaret. I pertended to be a looking at my rithmatic book 'til tha bus started off. Everbuddy got on an tha bus pullt out. I had managed not ta look at none uf ‘em. I knowed she wuz thair but I won’t gone a let her see me look.
Reminds me now of that old song:
“I was lookin’ back to see if you were looking back to see if I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me. Now it was plain to see that you were looking back at me while I was looking back at you”
Tha bus wuz a droppin off yunguns an purty soon it wuz gone a git o Margaret’s stop. I kinda wanted ta see her but I shore didn’t want her ta see me looking. Ever since this morning I had her hair and her face burnt on tha back o my eyelids. Ever time I closed my eyes I saw her. She lived ‘bout two miles frum the house an on the way home the bus dropped her off firs an in tha mornin’ tha bus picked her up ather me.
When I got home frum school ma had some o her good biscuits with chees cooked in um. That’s tha furs thang I headed fer usually. Whut she done was she took tha biscuits from dinner and split ’em open an put some cheez in tha middle and toasted ‘em in tha oven. That’s the furs thang I looked fer when I got home. I walked thru tha kitchun an there wuz them biscuits a laying on a plate covured wid a towel. I jest walked right by ‘em and didn’t even so much as look at ‘em.
Ma called me ta supper an her an pa set down ta eat. I hollered from the livin room, “I ain’t hungry.” I don’t know why I said that but it really wuz true I jest won’t hungry. Usually I didn’t have no trouble with my homewurk neither but taday wuz differnt. I jest cudn’t concentrate. I liked rithmatic but I cudn’t even add two an two. I fount out that nite I cudn’t sleep neither. I jest rollt and tumbled all nite. Evertime I closed ma eyes I saw that “redhead” on tha back uf my eyelids. I jest wanted to peel up them eyelids and scrape that pichure off. I ain’t never been like this bafore.
Ma come in my room and woke me up fer brekfust. I got up an put on my close fer school an went to tha table ta eat. There wuz eggs, bacon, grits, and hot biscuits. I looked at ‘em and cudn’t eat a thang. Whut in tha Sam Hill wuz a goin on? I won’t sick, lease I didn’t thank I wuz. I jus didn’t want nuttin to eat.
Now ma wuz a beiginnin’ ta worry an she threatened me wid some more castor oil. I kep telling her I wuz alright, jes not hungry.
That mornin I wuz at tha bus stop early. I wanted ta see that bus a comin’ so bad. When it finly did git there I went ta tha back and set down. Lucky and Lukey wuz already on tha bus and when I went ta tha back they come back thair wid me. We wuz in tha back and tha bus wuz a rollin’ on hits way ta pick up a little red headed girl. I set in tha back so she had to set in front uf me. Lukey, Lucky, an me usually ripped and rared in tha back o tha bus but t’day alls I wanted that bus ta do wuz git ta her stop qwick as it cud. Two more miles and I’d see her. (There’s a song in that somewhere.)
WHAT WUZ A HAPPNIN TA ME????
Just then Lucky and Lukey started a chant bout me an Margaret, “Justin an Margaret, Justin an Margaret…” Purty soon the hole bus wuz a shoutin’ it.
Oh God! Whut wuz I gone a do?
When tha bus picked her up them kids wuz a still shoutin the same thang. Margaret set down on the furst seat and didn’t evun look back. Dang! I hadn’t spected that. I got real brave and went ta tha front and set down right baside her. She wuz a crying.
When I went ta tha front and set down tha shoutin’ stopped. Hit become more like a chatter thru tha hole bus. I said, “Margaret don’t cry. They’ll quit it bafore long. Which they done.
Is this what a heart attack feels like?
When we stopped off I wuz in tha front seat with Margaret. Tha rest uf tha yunguns wus still talking and poking fun. I jest cudn’t let ‘em make her cry no more. Frum then on me and Margaret wuz a talking thang and I didn’t care.
Tha bus come to her stop and she got off. Lukey and Lucky come a flyin’ up ta tha front and crowded in side uf me, one on each side. They wus a punchin’ me in tha sides wid thur elbows and askin me. “When you an her gone git married?” I felt like stompin ‘em in tha floor. Which I didn’t.
I got off tha bus and made a jesthure with my hand back at them two. I walked ta tha house wid my head down pokin’ along kickin tha sand wid my feet. I didn’t want to lose my two very best friends but if they kep on I wuld haff to make a choice betwixt them and a lil red headed girl. I didn’t want ta do that. Why is all that stuff happen ta me? I don’t know whut’s happin’. I ain’t never liked gurls bafore. What’s hapennin’? I swear I just can’t unnerstan’ it.
I walked inta tha house an ma asked me if I wuz gone a have a biscuit. I jest didn’t know if I wuz or not. Then ma said something ta me I hated to hear frum her.
Ma said, “J. M. Jr. are you in love?” As for me, I think I wuz.
I asked her, “Ma, whose been talking ta you?”
“Sonny boy I ain’t blind. I know when a yungun like you won’t eat sumpin’s up. When Mary come over she said tha boys had been a talking an I ain’t much at rithmatic but I can put two and two together. Sides when you didn’t eat them bisqits and you didn’t have a fever hit culd only be you wuz in luv,” she said. And then she said, “Son, I saw you at tha park and that’s when it happent ain’t it?” I didn’t say nuttin’. Next thang she said wuz, “Why don’t you ask your pa ‘bout this and he’ll tell you something.”
Ma had done an lost her mind. Pa wuz tha last one I wanted ta know ‘bout this stuff.
God! Ever since that day in tha park I been in one cussed mess and a nuther. I don’t deserve this kinda stuff. I heard uf things being a walk in tha part but this shorely won’t one a them. Sumpin’s got ta give.
Margaret, Margaret, Red headed Margaret. She wuz all I cud thank uf. What wuz I gone a do?
Now I am shore life is gone be mizruble tha rest uf my days. I jest know it.
Play Groun’ Mischief
You already know I got big problums. Tha boys are my friends but I can’t git her off my mind. This is tha most serious sitiation I ever been in.
Wait a minute!
I can git Lukey off my back if I remind him uf that other girl, Merleen Griffin. Him and her been trying not ta let everbuddy know ‘bout them but me an Lucky kowed all ‘bout it. Now’s all I had ta do wuz ta remine all tha yunguns ‘bout that and I am shore it will help with tha laffing at me. After all Lukey wuz older than me and Lucky and we wuz in a nuther room from his'n. He wuz on a diffrunt level than we wuz. I jest had ta git tha ones in his room ta knowin’ whut wuz up.
Time fer a plan!
Me and Lucky knowed that Lukey and Merleen met each other at ressess most ever day. Now they had them a perfect place ta meet. Hit wuz on a banch unner a big oak tree kinda out uf site frum everbuddy. They’d sometimes hole hands. Now I knowed if we cud git tha other yunguns ta come ta that tree when Lukey and Merleen went thair they would most certain ketch ‘em holdin’ hands. Trick wuz jest how wuz we gone do that.
Holy Shmoley!! I got it!
If they wuz one thang that wuz shore ta make a bunch o yunguns come a runnin’ hit wuz a fight (specially yunguns in tha fif and six grade.) Yep you know what I mean. A fist fight on tha play groun at resess. Now alls I had ta do wuz ta git sombuddy ta have a fight next ta that big ole tree. Then a bunch of them kids wuld come a pilin over thair ta see whut wuz a goin on an they’d see Lukey and Merleen a holdin’ hands and tha chanting and laffing wuld start fer him jest like he started hit fer me and Margaret. This fight had ta take place jest at tha rite time. Hit had ta be jest whur and jest when. Only way ta make that happen wuz ta start hit myself. I had a plan fer that too.
In order for that fight ta start at jest tha right time I got Lucky ta agree wid me ta start a “fake” fight. We wuld go over ta tha tree and make like we wuz fightin and roll on tha groun’ and that wuz shore ta bring a bunch a yunguns runnin’ ta see it. I think it’s a good plan. So we did it.
Tha fif and six graders played on tha play groun at tha same time that’s why we culd git this plan ta work out so good. Shore nuff when ressess come at ‘bout the thurty Lukey and Merleen come out a tha school house and went one then tha other ta that banch under the oak. Lucky and me crep up bahine tha tree and he pushed me. I grabbed him aroun’ tha neck and we went rollin’ roun’ on tha groun’ like two dogs a fightin’. Sumbuddy yelled FIGHT! FIGHT! I looked up and they’s yungun a comin’ frum ever whur. In lessern a minute they wuz twinny boys and gurls thair ta watch tha fight. Soon as we got a crowd Lucky and me got up and went ta laffin’ hard. By that time some of the kids noticed Lukey and Merleen a holdin’ hands. I wuz so glad ‘cause now they wuz a chanting ‘bout them two.
After that fight Lukey never played ‘roun ‘bout Margaret and me. And Lucky, well he wuz on my side. He’d never say nuttin ‘bout Margaret.
Dust in tha Feed Sacks
After the fixed fake fist fight fit for fixin friend Lukey’s wagon Lucky and me just ‘bout busted our sides a laffing. (You know when we three wuz ‘round each other we wuz laffin all tha time. Even thangs that won’t funny wuz funny.)
I member that time we three fixed up the cow and caught us ‘cause he knowed we done it. Here’s whit we done:
Thair wuz a ‘lectric fence that kept the cow in. this fence put out a ‘lectric shock ‘bout ever two seconds. Well we three, (all uf us wuz in on it) unplugged the fence and laid it on tha groun’ for a space uf ‘bout ten feet. Then we led the cow to the fence on the groun’ and put her front legs on one side uf the fence and her hine legs on the other side us the fence. Then we put hit back up and turnt it on. The cow would try to go forward hit the fence wid her hine legs. Then she would try to go bacwurds and hit the fence wid her front legs. For a few minutes she minded me uf one a them rodeo bulls wid a cowboy on his back-jumpin’and kickin’, jumpin’ and kickin’ till she finly figured out she wuz trapped. Then she froze like a stachur.
Pa fount that cow like that and he called me into tha house fur a confurnce. He never used my whole name. Well, Almose never. This time he called me.” Justin Martin McBride!! Git your _______ in this house.Uh, Oh! I knowed whut that meeent. He whupped harder’n ma did and I wuz in for it. Now since I knowed whut wuz a comin’ I thought I wud git me some pertecshun. Bafore I went inta tha house I went by the pack house furst. I got me sum o dim feed sacks and folded ‘em up tha size uf my butt and crammed ‘em down the back uf my overhalls. When I got inta tha house pa already had his “board uf edgeicashun” in his hand. Now he wuz a hittin my rear end and I wuz a hollerin’ like I wuz a dying. Which I won’t. He’d hit and I’d holler. He wanted ta see tears but inside I wuz a laffing too hard to cry.
One thang I fergot ta do. I didn’t shake them feed sacks to git the dust out a ‘em. When pa would hit tha dust wud fly. Hit looked like when ma wud bring what we called a quilt out ta tha closeline and beat hit wid a broom. She wud smack that quilt an I bet a pound a dust wud come out.
When my pa saw that dust he didn’t say a wurd. Pa ain’t dumb and he figured out in a hurry whut wuz a goin’ on. Pa thought about hit and he begun ta laff . He laffed so hard he cudn’t beat me no more. Then I started in to laffin’. We both wuz a laffing so hard that ma herd us and come inta tha livin’ room ta see whut wuz a goin on. She tried not to laff but she cudn’t hold it in neither. Pa go us me and I figured I done over stayed my welcome and I lit out fur tha swamp.
The part that won’t funny is that tha cow didn’t give us no milk fer three weeks ather that.
Witchcraft in the country
You fount out in the nonexistent part 13 that Justin wuz superstishus. Everbuddy knowed why Lucky wuz superstishus. It happened when he wuz a baby.
When Lucky wuz ‘bout 2 years old he got a small red circle on his belly just below his navel and a li’l to the right side. Ma and Aunt Mary hit whut hit wuz. Hit wuz tha ringworm.
Author’s note:
Ringworm infection is caused by a fungus. Fungi (plural of fungus) that cause ringworm live and multiply on the outer layer of skin. A worm or other parasite does not cause ringworm.
Ringworm wuz sumpin’ mysterious. Everybuddy wud listern ta whut wuz passed roun’ ‘bout it and hit won’t purty. There wuz medicine that every buddy tried to git rid us hit. Aunt Mary started out with some salve that a man some by a sellin’ one day. That salve wuz black and smelt like tar. Aunt Mary put plenty on Lucky and he smelt like a tar pit. The ringworm didn’t pay that salve no mind. Hit just kept looping and looping roun’ Lucky’s belly.
Not listen folks this becomes real serious real quick.
That thing that everbuddy thought wuz a li’l worm a marching in circles ‘roun his waste kep on inch by inch cutting a path ‘roun Lucky. There wuz a sayin’ (an old wives tale) that when tha worm went all ‘roun a person that they’d die. Lucky! DIE! Why me and Lukey cudn’t stan that.
Aunt Mary kept trying to stop that worm frum a coming all ‘roun Lucky. Nothin’ stopped it and she went ta tha doctor with him. The doctor gave her a diffrunt kin a salve to put on it. This didn’t stink like the other’n did. He told her ta baring him back tamaroe. Which she did.
The doctor told her that there wuz nothin’ he cud so ta stop that “worm.” He tolt her not to bring him back ‘cause he cudn’t do nuttin’.
Wurd got ‘roun ‘bout Lucky and an old woman down tha road ‘bout three miles come to Aunt Mary’s house and tolt her she cud cure Lucky. Aunt Mary wuz glad she said she wud try because that ringworm wuz jest ‘bout two inched frum a meeting. It done started on hid belly and dug a path ‘roun him and she thought when that worm reached the startin’ point Lucky wud shorely die. Aunt Mary wuz a crying when she tolt Lettie Royal to fix him if she cud. Ma and me wuz thair when these thangs wuz a happnin.
Lettie Royal went and caught a black chicken from the yard and come to the house with hit unner her arm. She said ta Aunt Mary, “Put that yungun down on the front porch.” She walked over ta tha edge uf that porch and gave a pull on that black chicken’s head ‘til hit separated frum the chicken. The blood started squirtin’ everwhere. Then she took that chicken and let tha blood run on Lucky’s belly and all ‘roun him on that ringworm. (Aunt Mary had done pult off his li’l shirt so as to ‘spose his belly.)
(Now this whole thang had ta be real scary ‘cause I wuz the same age as Lucky and I still member it to this day.)
Ms. Lettie took that chicken and buried it in tha back yard. She tolt Aunt Mary not to wash that blood offern Lucky fer two hours. Which she didn’t.
Now git this good!!
In two days that ringworm on Lucky wuz gone. You cudn’t se where it wuz. I member ‘cause I herd them a talkin’ ‘bout that fer a long time ather that.
Now that’s tha oniest reason I can thank uf that made Lucky so superstishus.
A REDHEADED GHOST
One day I will take time and tell you more ‘bout Lettie Royal. There’s sum a tha strangest stories yet ta be tolt. Fer now let’s git back ta tha school right ather ressess.
When we left off Lucky and me had jest stopped fightin’ and it done tha trick jest like I knowed hit wud. I tolt chew bafor that when them other yunguns saw Lukey and Merleen a holdin’ hands bahine that tree my trubbles wuz over. And they wuz. Lukey never mentioned me and Margaret fer that whole school year. But that weren’t too long ‘cause we wuz goin’ ta school in July on account uf a hurricane. Hit wuz now tha last week in July and we wuz ‘spose ta start back ta school on August 18. So frum the last week in July ta August 18 we wuz outern school.
Now you know we three boys had a vacation frum school that wuz packed wid ‘citement. I won’t git inta all that “summer vacation” fun. I may jest tell uf hit later sum.
On that last day uf school in July Lukey held hands with Merleen, I tried ta look at Margaret many times as I cud. I never talked ta her a lot ‘cause I didn’t want ta take a chance uf them other yunguns makin’ her cry. (That wuz a thing I wud live to regret-not talkin’ ta her that is.)
Man! Them three weeks went by so fast. They come and went faster’n a high-speed BB shot.
(Now a high-speed BB shot is one that comes from a freshly oiled barrel of a just cleaned BB gun.)
Didn’t much happen that summer. Hit didn’t evun seem like we had been outern school at tall. Even tho hit wuz short vacation that first day back ta school wuz always loud and unruly. Tha bus picked up Lukcy and Lucky and then me. Ather I got on the nest stop wuz Margaret’s. Tha bus stopped at tha end of her driveway and tha driver blowed tha horn. We didn’t see nobody so he set down on tha horn and jest held it fer ‘bout a minute. Margaret didn’t come out so he drove off.
Ever one uf us had a favrite teacher and that’s tha one we wanted have. Lukey didn’t matter ‘cause he wuz a year ahead uf Lucky and me. Heck thair won’t but four I cared a thang ‘bout anyhow. I bet you can tell which ones they wuz. Yep you’re right! Lucky and me come first wid each other. We really wanted ta be in tha same room. Oh, yeah, I really wanted ta have Margaret in our room too. If I had to choose betwixt Lucky and Margaret I wud choose ____________. Ha! Ha! I ain’t gone a tell you that ‘un.
Tha truth is tho I wanted ta see that li’l read head. I shore did hope we wuz in tha same room. It turnt out that Lucky and me won’t in tha same room wid tha other’n. When I read tha list on tha bulletin board that tolt where I wuz ‘sposed ta go, Lucky, Margaret and me won’t neither one in tha same room. I read tha other pages ta see jest which room they wur in. Lucky and Me wuz in rooms just ‘cross tha hall frum each other. Margaret wuz in….
Whur wuz her name? I looked at tha other pages and looked at them agin.
HER NAME WUZZEN’T THAIR. That’s right! Her name won’t on any uf tha pages. Thair had ta be sum mistake. Did she move to a nuther school? Wuz she sick or sumpin? I tolt you tha first day wuz fillt wid everthang wild. All us yunguns wuz reddy fer recess when hit come. I wuz shore I cud fine her on tha play groun’. WRONG! She jest won’t at that schoolhouse ennywhur. Now this tore me up purty bad. I fine’ly had ta amitt ta myself that I wuz in luv. Now I wuz in luv wid a ghost.
(Author’s Note: Let me regress for just a story or two)
The School Bus Air Force
I told you we had two weeks off frum school but I didn’t tell you uf whut happent in them two weeks. Since tha three uf us had such a good time you need ta hear ‘bout it.
It started the very furst thang-on the way home frum school even.
School let out on Monday. (Now why the heck would thay make us come ta school on Monday and let out at dinner for tha rest uf tha year? I will never unnerstan whut thay’s thanking so mise well quit tryin’.) When it let out it wuz the first day in a long time that we didn’t have any books to carry home. There wuz jest some papers that tha teacher sent home. (Now why in the worl wud she send papers home on the las day uf school? That’s a nuther one a them thangs I’ll never unnerstan.) I didn’t thank they wuz inn portant so I made some paper aero planes and throwed them ‘round on the bus. Fore long there wuz enuff a them paper planed flying all over tha place in that bus. Then somebuddy come up with tha idea to throw one out a tha winder uf tha bus. Then from ever winder there appeared a hand holdin’ a beautifully folded paper plane pertendin’ it really wuz a flying. Tha yunguns started to lettin’ them planes go out the winder. That high school driver of tha bus yelled ta tha top us her voice fer everone ta stop throwin them thangs outern the winder and sit down. ( Last day uf school and we wuz on our way home. Won’t gone happen.)
Wid the throwin’ uf them planes, we got a notion to name our paper menagerie “tha school bus air force.” Tha law stopped tha bus and made us stan in tha sunshine while some uf them took us over one at a time and questioned us tryin’ ta git tha truth frum us ‘bout who started it. I wuz really sweatin’ it ‘cause hit wuz me that done it. I wuz lucky, none uf them tolt. I guess it really wuz hard ta tell who done it.
Hit wuz near dark when tha sheriff deputy come an parked in our makeshift driveway. I’s in tha livin’ room and I wuz scairt as a rabbit a runnin’ frum an eagle. He wuz shore ta git caught and so wuz I. I counted ever step tha deputy made across tha porch ta tha front door. One, two, three, four, five, six. Tat wuz tha first time ever knowed there wuz six steps across our front porch.
When he knocked on tha door pa got up ta answer it. That wuz sumpin pa never done. He allus tolt me ta do it. Pa had saw that deputy thru tha winder next ta tha door so he figured he might jest better anser tha door this time hisself. Which he did. I heard him tell pa ‘bout how them paper planes wuz a flying out a tha winders uf tha bus. Pa didn’t say a thing he jest lissend. When tha sheriff wuz thru a tellin’ tha story pa thanked him and he left tha same way he come. Pa turnt ‘roun ta me and I spected him ta take out his belt and git down ta tha beatin’. He did pull out his belt but his pants fell to his knees. He reached down and pult them back up and put his belt back in. I wanted to laff so bad but I knew if I did hit wuddent matter if his pants did fall down he wud pull out that belt and whallop me. So pa jest looked at me. He didn’t do nuttin. Now that scairt me.
Next morning pa got me up early. I done fergot ‘bout that night bafore and the deputy a comin’ but pa haddent. He made me put on my close. And said ta me come on boy we got us a place ta go. We went down the road walking towards my cuzins’ house. When we got thair he tolt uncle Bill what tha sheriff man had tolt him. Then him and Uncle Bill made up a plan. Uncle bill got Lukey and Lucky up by slammin’ tha door ta tha room whur they slep. When they routed out and got thur close on pa and Uncle Bill and we three went off walkin’ up the road. I knowed whut wuz ‘bout ta happen. Pa wuz a gone make us pick up then airplanes. Which they did. We picked up paper planes fur ‘bout four miles. The planes wuz gittin kinda few and far betwixt an batweeen. Pa held up his hand and I knew that wuz the signal to stop. Pa and Uncle Bill talked in a low voice so we cudn’t hear whut they said. When they finished talkin’ pa said, “now you boys has been showed what we want this here road ta look like. Ather dinner you three gone come back here ta this spot and walk frum here to town pickin’ up paper. Me and Bill don’t want ta see a single bit uf paper when we ride down this road.”
I said, “Pa, all this trash ain’t ours.” I jest shuddn’t a said that.
Pa said, “jest fer mouthin’ off yall will pick up tha trash tha other way past tha house for three miles too. He wuz right I jest should a kept my big mouth shut.
One more Saturday
Lukey, Lucky and me played in tha swamp for the whole first week we wuz out uv school.
While we wuz a playing in tha swamp we come across a big cocoon. We tried ta figure out whut wuzs in it. Hit wuz made jest like a cocoon. Hit had he same look as a cocoon. It wuz ‘tached ta a long limb on a tree that stuck out ‘bout 14 feet I guessed. We ‘cided that if’n we wuz gone ta see whut wuz in that thing we hat ta climb a tree. Which one uf us wuz it gone ta be? Only thing ta do wuz ta draw straws. Tha one with tha longest straw had ta climb up and knock it down. Lucky won’t lucky that day cause he done got tha longest straw. Hit wuz quite a distance frum tha first limb to the groun’. Tha way we got him up high e’nuff ta reach tha limbs wuz this. Lukey let me stan’ on his shoulders and then Lucky clumb up Lukey me an me till he reach tha limb an when he did it wuz nothing fer him ta get on up thair where tha cocoon wuz. It wuz a purty thang and we wuz gone ta watch it ‘til hit hatched.
Lucky couldn’t quite reach that thang ta knock hit down so he broke off a limb and knocked it ta tha groun’. When it hit tha groun’ some of tha orneriest thangs come outern that thang I ever saw. Hit wuz a hornet’s nest. Me and Lukey run hard as we could. Hit wuz hornets an we cuddn’t run fastern they wuz a flyin’. Lucky turned out ta be tha lucky one that time. Them hornets took out after me and Lukey and Lucky being up that tree didn’t so much as git one sting. When that thing busted open and them hornets rushed out it sounded kinda like a airplane that dusts cotton. That plane has a buzz about hit you won’t forget if you ever heard it. Them hornets had that same kinda sound. Along with that noise come sumpin’ else. Them buggers ever one had a hammer an they wuz a swingin’ it an a hittin’ me in tha head. Lukey run faster’n me an that meant I got more stings than he did. We both made it ta tha creek and jumped in. we helt our heads unner tha water and that’s the only way we could keep frum being stung. Ever time I lifted my head outern the water I them hornets come ather me agin. I helt my head down unner tha water ‘til I wuz shore I wuz gone a git drownded.
When them dive bummin’ bugs stopped and moved on, me and Lukey got up from tha creek and high tailed hit ta tha house. Lukey run faster and left me. I didn’t know but one thang ta do and that wuz to run home to ma. She counted them stingers and come up with twenty five part on my head and part on my neck. Ever one uf ‘em burnin’ like a hot iron helt ta me. Ma made hit better by her a tellin’ me it wuz gone be alright. They’s jest sumpin’ ‘bout her touchin’ ‘em that made it better. She rubbed some uf that stinking black salve on each spot and tolt me ta lay on the couch and she brought me some ice tea to drank. Now all this attention she give me almost made it worth them stingers.
Come to find out Lukey’s ma did jest ‘bout tha same thang ta him. Lucky stayed up in that tree ‘till me and Lukey run ‘bout a hunnert miles (or so it seemed.) He then clumb down and went a running home tha long way thru tha swamp. He never had a place on him got stung.
It wuz Saturday before I felt much like gittin out. I planned ta get ta Lukey and Lucky’s house and roam tha swamp but pa had other ideas. Hit wuz 5:30 in tha mornin’ when he come inta my room and woke me up. He said, “Get up boy you got one more trip to town a pickin’ up paper.” I couldn’t believe it! This wuz my last Saturday before that school started back. I shore knowed bettern ta talk back now.
Turns out Uncle Bill made tha two other air plane flyers come and help me pick up paper. It turnt out that this last trip wuzn’t so bad ather all. You see we begin fine bottles that wuz throwed out uf cars. We picked ‘em up ‘cause they’d bring 2 cents apiece at the store just down tha road when we finished a pickin’ up paper and bottles we had three feed bags full uf paper an two sacks uf bottles. When we wuz back at tha house ather we solt them bottles, we all had fifty cents and that wuz enough ta git us inta the pitcher show in town two times apiece.
Rid uv tha redhead fer a spell
All I could say was, “You member me?” when I stood on the porch or Ms. Lettie’s house.
“Why I shore do. Now sumpin must be mighty ‘portant fer you ta come up ta my house like iss,” she kinda whined out, “Yore Justin McBride that yungun what had the ringworms awhile back. Now jess whut iss it I kin do fer tha likes a you?”
I’s a standin’ on her porch an I wuz a fixin ta run when she said, “Don’t be ‘fraid, son, I wudn’t hurt a hair I n n need sumpin’ o, o, o, o, only you can git fer me.” I muttered. And I stood there trying my bess ta hole still.
What mitten that be my Justin McBride?” She said with the kind of eyes that could look slam through a body. Them eyes looked like they’s a looking slam into the pit of hades and I wuz a wishin’ I’d stayed to home.
sentence and said, “If’n ye want eeennny thang frum me boy don’t ever call me Mrs. Royal agin. Ye call me Aunt Lettie Ye hear?” I heard and frum the way her voice sounded I wuz shore Lukey and Lucky heard it too. Hit wuz a loud rumlin’ kind uv sound. When I finely got my mind strate I ask her, “Ms. Royal…” She stopped me right in tha middle uv that Since that bad ‘port card and whut wid not havin’ Margaret ‘roun no more I figuurd I might just need what that old witch had. I knowed fer a fact she keyord me uv them ringworms. I felt like had a “spell” on me frum sumpin’. I cuudn’t eat, sleep, consuntrate, my hearin’ wuz almost gone, an tha most in portant thang I didn’t want ta see Lukey nor Lucky. I jest wanted ta be lef alone.
I wuz standin on Lettie Royal’s front porch jest thinking whut I wuz gone a ask fer ta help.
I got over that and she said, “C’mon boy I ain’t got all day.”
So I tolt her. “Ms Lettie, they’s this girl I know and thinkin’ uv her makes me hurt real bad. I thank I’m
gone a have a hearty tack or worse. I need sumpin’ to make me fergit her.”
She let out a laugh and I jest knowed I done tha wrong thing. I turned ‘roun ta run and she grabbed me by
the shirt collar an turnt me back a roun’ an said, “Whur you off ta boy don’t you want my hep?”
I blurted out, “Shore I do but I don’t want ta be scairt ta death.”
When I finely got my mind strate I ask her, “Ms. Royal…” She stopped me right in tha middle uv that sentence and said, “If’n ye want eeennny thang frum me boy don’t ever call me Mr Royal agin. Ye call me Aunt Lettie Ye hear?” I heard and frum the way her voice sounded I wuz shore Lukey and Lucky heard it too. Hit wuz a loud rumlin’ kind uv sound.
She said, “you got enny money?”
“Yeah, I got fifty cent,” I tolt her.
Man did she ever laugh when I said that. Fifty cent wuz more money than I seen in a whole year an I wuz willing ta pay her all uv hit if’n she cuud git Margaret offern my back. She tolt me she wuz all outern spells now but if’n I’d come back ta marrow she’d fix me sumpin that’d wurk fer a while but not forever. I tolt her
I wuud but alls I wanted ta do wuz git offern that porch and run.
Tha Sweet Taste uv Love
I did go back ta Lettie Royal’s house the nexe day cepin’ I didn’t go by myself. I took my best two friends wid me. Lukey, Lucky and me (now there’s a story in that statement somewhere) no sooner’d we step up on that porch and we heard Lettie squeal out, “You three boys come a lookin fer sumpin or you jest come here to cause truble?”
I’s tha one whut wanted her help so I’s tha one spoke up, “Ms Lettie, it’s me Justin McBride you member?”
She said, “I know who all three uv ye be. I jest want ta know whut ya want?”
Lukey and Lucky backed up offen tha porch and wuz a fixin’ ta run when tha door opent and out popped that ole woman’s head. She didn’t look terrible bad. I cuud stan ta look at her. Fact is she kinda minded me uv my grandma cept’n fer that voice. I never heard nuttin’ like that in my whole life. She tore inta Lukey and Lucky and said, “Now jest whur you boys thank you’re a goin’?” They both stopped in their tracks and turnt roun’. Then she said, “If’n you chillen be scairt then go on and run but if you want my hep then come on inta tha house.” I shore wanted her hep. I tought I wuz gittin’ over Margaret but fact is, I won’t makin’ much headway wid that. Shore I cuud study a lil and I got ta whur I cuud sleep but she wuz a still tormentin’ me sumpin awful. Lucky and Lukey really didn’t want nuttin they’s jest here wid me so’zun I wouldn’t git throwed in a pot an boilt alive.
Lettie took hold uv me and pult me inta tha house. Lucky an Lukey won’t gone ta let her kill me so they come a runnin’ in after me. When we all three got inside sumpin mazing happent. Lettie’s voice changed and it sounded natural. Why hit even sounded human. Hit wuz a voice I cuud even put up wid. She asked me whut I wuz a wantin’ and I tolt her ‘bout Margaret and hows it wuz that she wuz a tormentin’ me.
I said, “Ms Lettie I need a spell to git her offern my mind for I go plumb crazy.”
She says, “Whut you two fellers want.” They wuz really jest here wid me but both uv ‘em said at tha same time, “I dun,,n..n..no.”
She squinted up her eyes kinda spicious like and tole them she already knowed whut they wuz here fer. How she knowed these thangs I jest didn’t know.
She tolt Lukey, “You got girl troubles too but yourn ain’t tha same kind. You’re a wantin’ me ta give ya sumpin ta keep a girl an yore in luck I got jest whut ya need.” She pointed her fanger at Lucky and said, “An you lil feller want sumpin ta make you never ta git like these two other yunguns over a girl.”
She shore wuz right in whut she thought ‘bout all three uv us. Lukey wanted more romance, I wanted less and Lucky wanted none. So here’s whut she done. She mixed up some stuff and poured it in a bottle and handed it ta me. She mixed some more stuff in with the other stuff an give hit ta Lucky. She put some more stuff in the mixture and give hit ta Lukey.
She looked direct at me and said, “ Justin McBride when you tase this potion it will be bitter but hit will make ye fergit that lil red head.” How she knowed Margaret wuz redheaded I ain’t never figured out.
She looked at Lucky an said, “John Elton Pope, drink this mix an hit will tase like nuthin, but don’t drink too much jest a drop will do.”
The hit wuz Lukey’s turn. She tolt him, “William Earl Pope, Jr. When you drink this hit will tase sweetern’ ice tea. Mind ye don’t take but ‘bout two drops to a time.”
Then she said, “Give me them fifty cents ye all got.” Boy we didn’t wase enny time a puttin’ three bright fifty cent pieces into her boney lil hand. When we did she said, “Now go on git.”
How she knowed them names I will never figure out. But we didn’t stop ta ask questions. We high tailed it ta home. Why even you didn’t know them ‘til jest now.
Growing up is hard to do
As we three were walking home we were talking a mile a minute. You could tell we were still scared because our voices had a kind of whisper in them. When I talked it felt like I had to blow hard to get enough strength to say a word.
All of us had a picture of Lettie Royal in our heads. Lukey told us of her bony Little fingers and how she didn’t have enough meat to fill up her skin. He said she looked like a skeleton. Her bones were about to poke holes in her skin. Which they were.
All of a sudden, we remembered the three bottles. We all three pulled them out at the same time. Neither wanted to be the first to take a swallow. Lukey (always the bravest) took his bottle and touched it to his lips and a great big smile filled his face. He told us that it was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted. He said it wuz better than his ma’s ice tea on a hot day. It was the sweet taste of real love and he was in love with Merleen Griffin.
Lucky took his bottle and took a taste. He swore that he didn’t taste a thing. It was like water-no taste at all. He wasn’t in love, didn’t want to be in love and that might be why his stuff had no taste.
I then took the bottle Lettie had given me and just touched my tongue to the rim of the bottle. I began to cough, spit, gag, and wipe that stuff off of my lips. That was the bitterest thing I had ever put in my mouth. I could see then why that old woman didn’t tell me about taking too much. She knew I wouldn’t take too much. You couldn’t over dose on that potient. All three bottles of Lettie’s fixing’s done the job. From that day on Lukey wouldn’t look at another girl except Merleen. Lucky didn’t look at any girls at all. And me, I very slowly forgot about Margaret. Even though when I saw a redheaded girl or woman for that matter I took kind of a relapse.
Something else happened that day. We grew up. For once we had took our lives into our own hands and played with the future.
Time would tell tha story uv jest how them three lil bottles frum Lettie wurked and jest how good they worked. I will tell you this: them bottles uv juice never touched our lips agin. They had lasting effects. This won’t be my last seein’ Lettie Royal.
Tha nex day at school Lukey and Merleen was seen holding hands. She looked more “mooney-eyed” than him. We didn’t know tha stuff in tha bottles would work on whoever it was you wanted ta impress tha same way they did with you even if’en only one of you did tha tasting. Ta Lucky and me that was tha start of sump’n stupid. Lukey won’t hardly ever able ta join us in tha swamp anymore. It wuz usually Lucky and me by ourself. We still had fun but it won’t tha same. I had more fun at school than I did at home after all I had chores ta do at home. I didn’t mind homework. My ‘port card come up from just barely passing ta strate “A’s,” nothing but “A’s. That by itself was enuff ta make that visit ta Lettie’s worth it all.
Things changed ‘roun hard for the three uv us. Lukey didn’t run ta tha door uv tha school and wait for Lucky and me no more. He was always walking Merleen ta her classes and toting her books. That was alright it only meant we had ta find other methods of having fun. Witch we did.
Lucky and me needed some fun. So we made us some.
Lucky brought a fake snake ta school with him in his overhaul pocket. When all tha other yunguns went out ta recess Lucky stayed behin and put that snake inta tha middle drawer of tha teacher’s desk. Him and me cuudn’t wait fer recess ta be over. But we did. When she opened that drawer she screamed and almost fell backwards. She would have too if she hadn’t hit the blackboard wid her chur.
Tha teacher, Miss Opel Price, wanted ta know who did that really bad. She said, “You boys and girls will tell me who did this or else you won’t have recess again until you do.” Which we didn’t.
*Tha only two that knew about it was Lucky and me and we won’t about ta tell. So Miss Price made tha entire class stay in at tha next recess. Just think Lukey was out there holding hands and kissing and we wuz inside with our heads on our desks. (That used ta be one type a punishment when something like isss wus done.) We might as well enjoy it because until one of us fessed up we wuz all in jail.
THE POWER OF TWO
Tha nex day just before recess Ray Mullins went up ta tha teacher’s desk. He tolt her, “Miss Price I wuz tha one put that snake in yore desk.” Now just why did he do that. Lucky and Me knew he didn’t do it. He must be stupid. This isn’t how it was supposed ta be. No one was supposed ta get punished fer this. That’s what made hit so funny. She didn’t have no ideeee who did it and she never wuud.
Miss Price said, “Alright the rest of the class can go out for recess early. Ray you stay right here.”
Jest then Lucky did tha same stupid thing. He went up ta tha desk and said, “Miss price, he never done that I did.” What in the world! Now it must be my turn ta confess. I just cuddn’t do it. Now what happened next was a miracle. One by one them yunguns in that room lined up at tha teacher’s desk and admitted ta doing that job.
Miss Price said, “Now all of you didn’t do it. So if you didn’t do it take your seats.” Nobody set down. They all just stood thair. Miss Price’s face turned forty shades uv red. You could tell she was fuming under tha collar. Then she said, “Class go out ta tha playground. You too Ray.”
I had never seen such a thing before. Every one uv tha boys and girls stood fast. The teacher couldn’t tell who to send ta the Principal’s office. I never saw anything like that before and I never saw it again until one day I stood isolated and my friends stood up for me. But that’s another story. After recess she never mentioned hit. It wuz from then on like hit never happened.
Since them kids stood together like they done there never was a playground fight for tha rest of that year.
Bought fer a Price
I t turns out that Ray Mullins wuz the son of Marquette Mullins and she wuz richern two foot up a cow, ifern ya know whut I mean. That night Ray tolt his ma ‘bout whut wuz happenin’ at school and she gave Ray enough quarters (yeah $.25) to give every one uv them yunguns a quarter ta stan up an say they done hit. I only fount that out when everbuddy started talkin’ ‘bout hit at recess. Now since Lucky an me done hit we didn’t git a quarter.
That wuz a nuther time we got outern smpin slick as a whistle. Ray had somehow fount out our secret. But why didn’t he just tell on us. It wuud shore meant a whuppin at school and a nuther at home. Ray’s ma knew tha teacher and she didn’t particular like her. That’s a nuther reason he done whut he done.
Man, when the bell rung to let school out Lucky an me run fast as we cuud to tha bus. We didn’t make ta tha bus. Ray stopped us in tha hall and we really fount out why he confessed.
He said, “Frum now on you two gone a be doin’ whut I say or else.” Turns out Ray wuz smartern we thought he wuz. We had been bought like slaves and didn’t even see hit comin’ Frum then on tha ress uv tha year when hit come his turn ta pick up trash on tha playgroun’ Lucky an me hat ta do hit fer him. If’n hit come his turn ta beat out tha arasers, one a us had ta do it. Me an Lucky give up a lot uv recess time doing’ thangs in place uv him. Boy! We jest had ta fine a way ta git evun wid him. Which we did.
Lucky and me kep on pickin’ up trash, beatin’ out arasers, and cleaning the blackboards an Ms. Price didn’t even do a thing ‘bout it. Ever board cleaned, raser dusted out, or piece of paper picked up we wuz thankin’ uv jest how we wuz gone a git even wid Ray.
I come up wid a plan an this un wuz probly the best one ever.
One day while we wuz a pickin’ up trash me an Lucky come up on a kinda uv big paper sack. They wuz sumpin’ in it and Ray saw me pick it up. I opened up tha sack and reached in and pult out a big jack knife. Ray wuz a watchin all this happen. He knowed we fount somethin’ but he cuudn’t see what hit wuz bafore I put it into my pocked. I made shore uv that.
It’s in tha bag
….I looked in tha bag fer something else and that’s when I saw it. Ray saw it too and he come over and took the bag folded it up and put it into his shirt pocket.
……………….?????
Inside the bag someone had drawed a map of some sort. When I looked into it I saw funny writing on it. There wuz a puzzelin’ picture in it. That picture made my skin crawl. It wuz a drawin’ of a witches hat and some words under it I couldn’t read. I jest knowed Ray wouud brang it back to us ‘cause he cuudn’t read it neither. Every map I ever heard uv had a X to mark some kind uv thang.
Shore nuff, Ray come up to me and Lucky next morning fore tha teacher got ta tha room and he showed us that bag where he had tore it open and laid it out flat. It wuz a picture of our swamp (I recognized that right off.) it jest so happent this map wuz uv a place a little further inta tha swamp than where we wuz use ta playin’. Hit wuz past whur we fount that liquor still and then some.
There wuz also some signs and symbols on tha map. Ray said he never seen anything like it. He wuz particular innerested in the X on tha paper. Lucky and me wuz innerested too, but like Lucky an me cided tha night before we didn’t appear ta be too innerested. We wuz ‘bout ta bust but we didn’t want him to know it.
Jest as soon as I seen them signs and symbols on that bag I knowed they only cudda come frum one person-Lettie Royal! Yep I seen some uv tha same thang on her wall when I wuz in her house. Lukey an Lucky never noticed them signs. Probably ‘cause they only been in thair one time and I been thair two times. I went one time by myself one time wid them ta git them potion bottles. I knowed right off, and I tolt Ray so, that Lettie Royal wuz tha only answer ta them designs in the sack.
It’s just a stone’s throw away
I might as well tell you up front that that thing I tuck out uv that bag bafore Ray tuck hit frum me wuz a rock. It wuz kinda shaped like a egg and flat like a biscuit. There wus some marks on hit like you’d make wid a nail, they wuz tha same kind uv marks wuz on tha bag inside. I knowed that wuud come back ta Ray’s mine bafore long.
That same day at recess Ray come up to us and said, “Ok, Porky, what did you take outta that bag?” I tolt him hit won’t nuttin but a rock probably put in thair ta keep tha bag frum blowin away. He fell fer it and we didn’t say no more ‘bout hit jest then. That rock wuud be talked ‘bout agin. I left hit home so Ray cuddn’t take hit frum me. He wuz bigger than me and Lucky and I didn’t want to take eeeny chances.
Ray did jest whut I thought he wuud. He come back agin and wanted that rock ‘cause they wuz the picher of a rock on tha inside uv tha bag. He still cuudn’t make out tha words and I knew the only person that cuud. I had ta remine him uv Lettie Royal and that she wuz tha only one that cuud sypher them words. I tolt him I didn’t have hit and really I didn’t because I had it hid at tha house.
Ray wanted Lucky and me ta go wid him ta tha swamp. We both knowed that wuz a comin’. I tolt him that tha only one would go back there wuz Lukey. He had ta git Lukey ta go wid him. He thought ‘bout hit fer a minute and he figurd that wuud be tha thang ta do.
That day I made up fer Lucky ta tell Lukey ‘bout that rock and ta give hit ta him. Which he did. When I give tha rock ta Lukey I showed him tha scratchin’ on it. There wuz some lines on one side and a X on tha other. Wid that X on tha map and that X on tha rock I thought they wuz ta go tagether. I tolt Lukey what I saw in tha bag.
Now I know whut you are thanking, “Jest whut wuz Lucky and me thankin’?” We wuz a givin’ up a chance uv a lifetime. I know that’s whut you thank but you got a nuther thank a comin’.
Now if Ray has tha map and Lukey has tha rock they are shore ta git tagether and try and fine whut thay thank is a treasure. The key word is “thank.”
Ather school thair won’t enuff time ta git inta them woods. So that meant they wuud have ta wait ta Saturdy to go huntin’. Me an Lucky cuudn’t wait for them ta go. We wuz jest gonna watch and see whut they fount. Now don’t git too spicious ‘bout this plan right now. There’s sumpin up that’s shore.
Saturdy is always tha bess day uv tha week fer us yunguns. We run and played down in that swamp all day ‘til near dark. This Saturdy wuz special.
Ray rode his bicycle ta Lukey and Lucky’s house. He got thair ‘bout 6:30 in tha mornin’ and ta tha woods. Lucky an me let them git a ways down tha trail we had in the branch and then we follered them a pieced back. We were shore that we didn’t want to lose them although I won’t worried ‘bout that. I knowed where they wuz a goin.
Lukey an Ray kep stopping and lookin at that map and staring at that rock. We heard them a talkin’ and we laffed under our breath. We cuudn’t laff too loud ‘cause we didn’t want them to hear us an we wuz purty close ta them.
They wuz making purty good time follerin’ that map. Hit led them deeper and deeper inta tha branch and soon al four uv us wuz deeper than Ray, Lukey and Lucky had never been dis deep in the woods. I had!
We stayed thair all day an they give up an went home. Me and Lucky follered them. Out of the woods.
Them two, Ray and Lukey, needed help with that map stuff and I knew it.
The signs of a witch
That Saturday we spent in tha branch won’t much good. Lukey told me that Ray and him needed some help wid them letters and marks on that map. He figured I wuud tell him sumpin. Which I did. I tolt him that tha only one I knowed that’d come clost ta knowing wuz Lettie Royal. She knowed all ‘bout witch stuff and that wuz whut on that paper-witch signs. Him and Ray said that wuz tha only way ta fine out and they wuz willin’ ta go ta her if’n Me and Lucky wuud go wid ‘em. Ather all we cuud go thair after school.
We had ta stay ‘round tha house on Sunday but we made up ta go ta Lettie’s house Monday right ather school.
Monday at school that’s all Ray wanted ta talk about. He cuudn’t keep that map secret ta hisself. Soon all tha yunguns in that room knowed he had a “treasure” map. He carried it in his pocket and showed it to some uv the boys in tha class. They wuz all very impressed. I too acted very impressed although I knowed the truth ‘bout that map and that rock.
Three a clock took its very own time a comin’. Finely that bell rung. Lucky, Ray and Me hit tha door a runnin’ and on ta tha bus. Lukey come out right bahine us an tha four uv us jest as close as we cuud on tha bus.
Rocks and map, map and rock, that’s all we cuud talk about. We four knowed we wuz goin’ ta Lettie’s house soon as we got off the bus and put our books up. Ray had done made up wid his maw ta git off the bus at Lukey’s house. Them three wuz a waitin’ when I got thair to Lucky’ house. We ran all tha way to Lettie Royals’ house and they stood in tha yard whilst I went up and knocked on tha door.
Lettie peeped from a winder bafore openin’ tha door. When she finely did open it she said in that weasilly voice, “Come in my little fiends.” Which we did.
When we got inside uv tha house……
Working for the state-two digging and two watching
Once inside tha house we wuz all a lookin’ ‘round seein’ whut pictures and ghostly thangs Lettie had on her walls. Thair wuz some uf them same pichers as them on the map an rock.
Tha first wurds she spoke sent chills up and down our arms. She said, “Show me that map an that rock.” Hit wuz jest like she knowed why we wuz thair. Lukey give her tha rock and Ray pult out the map and handed it ta me ‘cause he didn’t want ta git too clost ta her. I tuck hit and handed hit ta her. When I did she kind uf winked at me.
She give me a pencil an tolt me ta write whut she said on some places of the map. She pointed her boney little fangers ta whur she wanted me ta write. I did just like she said and in no time that map made sense. Now for tha rock. She tuck tha rock and laid hit on the hearth in front uf tha farplace and reached over ta tha poker and tuck hit and give that rock a whack and hit broke strate through tha middle. Then she tuck tha rock and held hit up to the end uf the map and you cuud see ‘zackley whair ta look fer whatever that X stood fer. ‘Least, I cuud see whair it meant ‘cause I knowed ever inch uf that swamp. I didn’t let on that I knowed jest whur ta go digging ‘cause I didn’t want them other boys ta thank I wuz a gone steal whatever that wuz.
We left tha house uf Lettie Royal and made up ta go an dig up that thang, whatever hit wuz tha next day right after school since we kowed pert near whair ta go.
I stepped off tha bus and went into tha house on the run ta change outern my school close and wait fer Lukey, Lucky and Ray our new partner. I got pa’s shovel so’zen we cuud dig. When they come along we headed out ta tha branch and straight ta tha X spot. That wuz easy since I knowed jest whur ta dig. Course since I knowed whair ta dig I thought hit’d be bess if I let Lukey and Ray do tha diggin. Lucky kep wantin’ ta dig some and I jest kep pullin’ at him till he finely got tha message. Me and him jest stood thair and let them other two dig.
Hit didn’t take long bafore they wuz into tha biggest surprise uf the century.
Stinking mud in a treasure hole
Ray and Lukey were busy diggin’ a hole. Lucky and me were watching. As they dug they found tha dirt soft and squishy. That dirt stuck ta tha shovel and had ta be jarred off by hittin’ tha shovel on the groun’. Hit won’t hard diggin’ hit wuz jest hard ta git tha dirt off the shovel. Ray had a good idea. He wanted Lukey and him to try diggin’ wid their hands. They laid the shovel down and got down on their knees an began ta lift that dirt out with their bare hands. The deeper they dug the more they got into mud. Ray and Lukey both had mud from their fingertips to their elbows.
Soft dirt, easy diggin’ but tha dirt moved out of that hole was smelling real bad. Tha further they dug tha more it stunk. Lukey figured it out! What they were diggin’ in was horse manure-pure old horse crap.
Lucky and me didn’t have a spec of that stuff on us. That’s the way I had it planned.
I told you before Lucky and me would git even wid Ray and we also owed Lukey a li’l taste of “git back.”
Here’s how I done it. Ever since I went to Lettie’s house for a anti-love potion she and I had become real good friends. Hit won’t nuttin’ for me ta go ta her house two or three times a week. I fount out she won’t whut folks said she wuz. Now I admit she wuz a li’l different but she wuz kind an unnerstandin’. When I asked her about something to git even wid Ray and Lukey she give me some purty good ideas. All uv ‘em had sumpin ta do wid them woods. She tolt me ‘bout makin’ a map and hit wuz her idear about that rock and them pichers on that bag’s inside and when she tolt me what to write on that map, I already knowed whut she wuz a gone tell me. I had ta git a bucket of stuff out uv tha horse stable and go down there and bury it at tha place the X pointed to; which I did about two weeks bafore. I wuz jest gone a git even wid Lukey but tat thing wid Ray made hit dubly good.
Them two had ta git home wid that smell all over them. When Justin McBride gets even he gets even.
Tha rest you already know or you are pretty close to figuring out. Lettie Royal turned out to be a good friend of Justin. When he had something serious ta talk about he went to Lettie’s house. This had been goin’ on ever since that potion deal.
Author’s note:
(From now on the story of Lukey, Lucky and me takes on a different style. As the boys grew up teachers and other kids at school influenced them and they began to use more acceptable vernacular in their verbiage. The fun didn’t stop but the language did.)
Changes that are forever
After that journey to treasure dung hill the now group of three had become a group of four. Ray and Lukey stuck together like horse _______ oh well you know what. It took a while for them to get the smell of their hands and arms. That stuff got underneath their fingernails and it took more that a week for them to be normal.
Lukey was turning 13 and he had a girl. Lucky, Ray, and Me were about to make 12. Lukey thought he was grown and we couldn’t wait to be 13.
Our tricks and mischievious antics took on a different air. Then like us our schemes “grew up.”
After that trick Lucky and I pulled on Ray and Lukey, something happened to the string holding the group together. It just snapped. We were never as close as before. We were nearing the transition into high school (well we thought about it a lot.) out diction was improving and the teachers saw to that. Ain’t, dis, dat, ta other, dere and words of the like were disappearing from out speaking. Although one of them “snuck” in ever now and then.
One thing happened in those woods that day, we all grew up a lot. It proved to be more serious than any of us knew. Things never were the same. We didn’t mean it to be that way. We still had fun just not that kind.
We still rode the same bus but we played fewer tricks. Things were certainly getting more and more serious. Oh, we still pulled stunts as was typical for boys to do. I remember one good one.
I told you Ray was bigger and stronger than the rest of the boys in the class. He stood nearly a head taller. He could pick two of the other boys up and hold them so they couldn’t get loose. This came in handy more than once. One of the new teachers was a lot younger than the rest. In fact she was pretty. She drove one of them little bug like cars. They called it a “VW” whatever that was. Anyway that thing wasn’t big or heavy on the front end and Ray could pick it up. He could pick up the front by himself; With Lukey and me helping we could pick up the back, one wheel at a time. The three of us lifted the rear off the ground. We had a watermelon that we cut into two halves and while we lifted Lucky put half under the back wheel. We did the same thing on the other side. You can get the picture better if you just think of that little car with two wheels sitting in half a watermelon each. When Mrs. Hall came out to go home she put it in gear and that little car would only spin the wheels. Mrs. Hall tried for nearly an hour to get that car to move. She finally got one of the other boys to tear at that melon until she could get traction and drive off. Now that was a prank that made the school paper complete with pictures of that “bug” sitting on that melon. That was a classic.
Everybody knew who did that to Mrs. Hall’s car but no one said a word. They were too busy laughing. These were the kinds of hygincs that we pulled from then on. We made sure we didn’t even consider pulling anything on each other. (Except once in a while.)
Then there was that time we put Mr. Orbeson’s Cushman Scooter into the back of a pickup that belonged to Mr. Norris the shop teacher.
Messing with your head
Merleen and Lukey were still holding hands. Lucky wouldn’t look at a girl and I was in neutral when it came to romance. I guess it was because of that potion from Aunt Lettie. You remember her don’t you?
I saw Aunt Lettie Royal about twice a week. It was good for her and great for me. Lettie gave me more than candy. She taught me how to “do” things; like how to find water with a grape vine or any fruit bearing forked branch, how to tell how deep it was. Among her many “talents,” were removing warts with broom straw, talking fire out of a burned person, stop blood flow when someone is bleeding to death and all sorts of spells. I knew her better than anyone else. Some of these things she passed on to me. Only one thing-if I chose to charge money then I would lose the “power.” I think these abilities are the work of “white” magic. I became Lettie’s adopted son and we got along great. I could make her smile with a word and she liked to smile.
One thing I wanted to find out from Aunt Lettie. I had to know what was in that potion she made for Lukey, Lucky and Me. She held me in suspense for at least two weeks before she tole me the truth. I had guessed and guessed but she would only smile. Finally one day when I was about to leave I asked her once more about that potion.
She said, “Sonny boy, all three of them bottles was just sugar water and yours had a little quinine in it. The rest of it was in your head. You see if you can mess with a person’s head you can influence the way they act.”
She could say what she wanted to I know that juice worked. I plum forgot that red headed girl in two or three days. Lucky won’t even look at a girl and Lukey got closer and closer to Merleen. She finally showed me how to mix that stuff and it really was mostly water. She only added the “flavor” after she learned what the need was. Man did she have some “flavors” in her kitchen cabinets.
She assured me that is was all in the head of those who wanted it to be.
These stories are rated "G" for general audiencies
"Gators" They are most often seen in the eastern counties of North Carolina as well as the deep south eastern US. They grow up to thirteen to eighteen feet and are able to sprint for short distances up to thirty (30) to fifty (50) MPH. There is a picture of a real one above. The one referred to in this story is completely fictional. (So don't believe a word of it!)
'Round here we never see a gator. Never, never do we see a gator.So when my cuzin’ Lukey come up frum that branch (that’s another word for swamp case you didn’t know) that day shakin’ all over and white as a ghost tellin’ me and Lucky, (that’s his twin brother but they ain't really twins they just look so much alike people allways took them for twins.) ‘bout the biggest ‘gator he ever run up aginst, well you can see how we was doubtin’ the telling of the whole thang.
In the first place there ain’t never been no ‘gator fifty feet long and never ever has there been one that breathed fire and coughed out chicken bones and whole posssums. But that’s just howLukey tole it to us.
Anyhoo, Lucky and me gotta git to the bottom of this here story fer shore. Only thang, we can’t never do it 'til Lukey 'cides to come with us rite back to the place where he wuz suppozin to have seen the ‘gator. And he swore he weren’t gonna go back down there fer one cent lessern a hunnert dollers. Well that was shore outtern the question!!
So we, me and Lucky, had to fine a nuther way to perswade him to a cumpny us to de spot no matter whut da cost..
The Kiss Deal
Ever story needs a little romance in it.
We'd done offered Lukey everthang we had to go with us back down to the branch and show us where that gator wuz. He'd turned down my BB gun (and boy wuz I glad of that). Lucky offered him his ju-vim-ber (uh-oh here's a nuther 'splainer I think).
(A Ju-vim-ber is a small forked branch of a tree shaped into a "Y" to which two lastic or rubber bands are attached and a leather pouch thing is kinda attached between them and then you put a rock or perferbly a marble in the lether part and when you pull that pouch thang back between the forked branch and let it loose that marble or rock goes a flying and breaks out what ever your a shootin' at. (Usually a street light or a window pane)).
Oh Well, Lukey didn't even want to go down there for the prize of all time--my special Barlow jack knife for which I wouldn't have traded anyhoo! I just wanted to test him out and see if'n he woulda done it.
So Lucky an me finely 'cided on the "plan of all plans".
Lukey had been admirin' this little girl in the neighborhood for quite a while. Fact is, he really wuz in luv, least that's whut me and Lucky thank.
We would try an git Merleen Griffin to trade a kiss to Lukey if'n he would go with us to see the gator. This wuz a major plan. We had to talk and bargan with Merleen and then bargan with Lukey to make it work.
Merleen said she'd kiss him dead on the lips.
Lukey wuz excited 'bout the plan 'cause he wuz fin'ly gonna git a kiss frum his tru luv. Man! I wouldn't let no girl kiss me dead on the toe much less the lips and Lucky swore to me he wouldn't neither. I guess Lukey wuz just differnt'n me and Lucky. We never seen a girl we wanted to be 'round much less kiss.
Only thang is--Merleen's price!!
SHE WANTED TO COME WITH US TO SEE THAT GATOR!!!
Never, Never, Never wuz I ever gonna let no shemale come with us to no branch to see no gator.
The Kiss of Death!
This is probably the funniest part of the whole story! After all this is where the "kiss" really took place.
Lukey's ma, Aunt Mary, allus made him go with her to the church house ever time the doors wuz opened. That's where we (Lucky, Lukey, and myself) planned for Merleen to actually do the kissin'. It was all sposed to take place on the third row from the back while the preacher was praying and "ev'ry eye closed and ev'ry head bowed." (That's preacher talk for "nobody lookin' at nobody" so'zen nobody would feel guilty 'bout raisin their hand if'n they was to have been sinnin')
Well the plans wuz laid and Lucky and me couldn't hardly wait for the kiss to take place.
There wuz some things Lucky and me had to do afore the actual "kissin' ceremony" (we called it a ceremony 'cause it wuz a takin' place in the church house.)
The afternoon before the service Lucky and me went to the church and did a little preparin'. When we all three, Lukey included, went to church we wuz accustomed to sitting on the third row frum the back where we did anything to keep frum listenin' to Preacher "Sparks".
(Sparks wuzen't his real name we jus called him "Sparks" 'cause when he preached, Lukey, Lucky and me could feel the sparks of hell on our breetches and we trembled as we smelled the smoke frum the brimstone fire).
Most times we carried some type of distraction or nuther. This row was the only one close to the back which had a knot hole under the row in front of it and if'n we wuz caught playin' with somthing, we just poked it through that knot hole and went under the church later and got it back. (You see the church didn't have anything 'round the edges like underpinnin' so it wuz easy to crawl under.) That knot hole was a important part of Lucky's and my plan. We carried what is called a "country matchbox" with us and took a thumbtack and fastened the outside of the box to the floor allowing us to tie a string to the "drawer" part of the box and through the knot hole so'zen we could slide that inside part out from the outside of the church.
Check out my gallery and you can see that match box.
Now you can tell what I wuz talkin' 'bout. One of the pictures in my gallery is the box assembled and another is the box with the "drawer" slid out.
Then we used a thumb tack to hold the outside down then we could tie a string to the inside and slide it out. That string wuz run thru the knot hole and to the underneath and outside of the church.
You can see by the picture in my gallery how this thing worked. When the box wuz rigged up like this we could easily open it from the outside of the church house by pullin' on the string.
But! Inside that matchbox we put a mouse (we picked out a mouse 'cause its the only thing Merleen has ever been 'fraid of.) It wuz easy for us to pull that string and let the mouse out when ever we wanted. This had to be done at jus' the right time or the 'ffect would be wasted.
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT PLAN WORKING???
Me and Lucky plan'd to be peaking through the winder next to where the kiss wuz to take place.
So having done all this, Lucky and me just slipped up to the winder and waited for the preacher to start praying and Merleen and Lukey to pucker up.
It happen't jus like we thought it would. Lukey puckerd, "Sparks" prayed and Merleen (pretty as she wuz) made the most gosh awful pucker I had ever seen. It kinda minded me of a certain part of a chicken (the part that went over the fence last).
Man! wuz she ugly now.
Everbody in the church had "ever head bowed and ever eye closed" in the usual fashion.
Lukey closed his eyes (but I don't know what for lessen it wuz to perteck hisself from the nasty look on Merleen's face). Merleen was the only one with her eyes opened. Just as she wuz 'bout to kiss Lukey, I pulled that string sliding out the "drawer" part of that matchbox and that mouse was pokin' his little head outen the end of the box. This is what Merleen saw as she wuz 'bout to lay one on Lukey.
The Church Uproar
Just as Merleen wuz about to kiss Lukey she saw that mouse
.
Now folks, I don't have to tell you what that did to her. She let out with a scream that would curdle milk and break ever eardrum within forty feet. She wuz a stompin' her feet and jumpin' up and down on that pew like her feet wuz a'fire. And she didn't stop screaming either.
Now! "every eye wuz open an ever head raised".
The preacher came running back to her, grabbed her, and drug her to the altar. There all the "sisters" in the church began to "lay hands" on her and pray for what they wuz a'thinkin' wuz a demon to come out of her. I ain't never heard such prayin' in my life and to tell you the truth, I wuz 'bout as scairt as I ever been. Lucky wuz as pale as a mashmello and his feet was a'running but he wuzent getting nowhere.
Now 'bout that time two big hands grabbed me and Lucky in the shirt collar and pul't us from the winder by the knap of our knecks. It wuz then I saw why Lucky wasn't getting nowhere even tho he was runnin' at top speed--his feet wern't touching the ground. Then I tried to run and my feet wern't touchin' the ground neither.
What had hold of us wuz ole man Jack Trublood who had fount the matchbox and figured out the whole thing. He saw the string and the hole in the floor. He then came out of the church and foun't me and Lucky by the winder, slipped up on us, and "layed hands" on us.
Ole man Jack proceeded to take me and Lucky straight to the altar and we wuz at the mercy of those Old Saints who wuz a'prayn' for Merleen. He threw us down for the kill and left us there. I felt more hands on me than a porcupine has sticky things. Some wuz a'pattin', some wuz a'rubbin', but all them women wuz a praying so hard and so loud that I nearly trembled myself to death. I didn't dare to raise my head nor to look around for fear I might be struck blind or worse.
The "sisters" kept praying and this went on for most an hour. Some kept asking me wuz I "saved" and I finally figered out that the only way I wuz gonna git up from there was to say I wuz.
I thought when I said I was "saved" that it would end or at least slow down a little but when I did that the shoutin' started. After all that's what the church is all about-gettin' people saved!
When it wuz all over, Lukey, Lucky, Merleen and me had all said we wuz "saved" and I felt like I really wuz deilvered from something. I guess this wuz the Lord's way of paying us back for playing in church. Anyways, that's the last time we ever took anything to distract us when we went to church. Brother Jack Trublood nailed a peice of wood over that knot hole so as to pervent anything from ever being poked down under the church again.
The kiss never happen't but all this did one thing. It made Lukey to where he wuzen't 'fraid of nothing. He figered if'n he could go through that he could face anything.
Lukey agreed to go with us to where that gator wuz!! HALLELUYA!!
Saturday was the big day
We plan'd to go and see that monster gator Saturday 'cause that's the day we can all slip off and hide from ma's and pa's. It wuz purty easy to stay in that branch all day on Saturday.
We also had to slip away frum Merleen. Ever since that "kiss thing" didn't work out she had been watchin' the three of us like a hawk after a chicken. Ever where we went, there she wuz. We would ride our bikes in the streets of town tryin' to loose her. Man! for three weeks now she wuz like fleas on a dog's back. ('Cep'ten we couldn't scratch her.)
This called for some more drastic action on our part. Just how wuz we gonna shake her? (Member she ain't scairt of nuttin' 'cept a little mouse.) We would be just wastin' our time to try to scare her off. We had to come up with somethin' she couldn't resist to draw her away frum us on Saturday.
We figured the best thing to do wuz to git her ma to make her stay home somehow. We had to git her ‘stricted to her own back yard!
We all knew that Merleen had a weakness-she loved animals. If'n she saw a stray cat, dog, or any sort like that she'd certainly make a effort to help it. This played into our hands also.
Miss Sadie Eubanks had a white cat that she luved like a young'un. She let it out ever now an then soz'en it could git some fresh air. Our plan wuz to capture that cat and dump him on Merleen's door step, knock on the door and run. Merleen wuz shore to pick that cat up and take it into the house. She'd probly hide it in her room soz'en her maw couldn't find it.
This is zactly what happent.
Ms. Sadie let out the cat an' we, Lucky and me, used a can of sardines which we had got frum the store earlier that day to make that cat innerested in comin' our way. Well we had the cat but we didn't want it to go back home so we put in a toe sack (that's home language for burlap.) Once we had the cat in the bag, so to speak, we just swung that bag 'round and 'round to make it drunk. Then we took the cat to Merleen's front porch and let the cat outta the bag. That cat just laid there like it wuz dead ceptin for the noise it wuz making. We knocked on the door and run for our lives. Merleen opened the door, saw that cat and picked it up and into the house it went.
Well Miss Sadie wuz so upset that her cat wuz missing that she started going from door to door to find it. When she got to Merleen's door she knocked and Merleen's maw answered the door. 'Bout that time Sadie called the cat's name. When that cat heard his name called, it went wild. It started running all over the room tearing down whateaver it touched. It climed the curtains and pulled them off the wall, knocked over what-nots and broke the lamp on the nite stan. All the time making a MEEEEOOOOOOW like the cry of a banshi or sump'in. Must have been all that "swingin’ ‘round in that bag made that cat scairt. Anyhow when it got its head halfway rite then it went crazy.
Now that ain't all that cat did. When cats git excited somehow it connects directly to their bowels. That's what happent this time. As that cat wuz running, so wuz its bowels. That stuff wuz ever where and the perfume that wuz with it made it impossible to stay in the room or the hallway.
I really thought they'd burn that house down to fin'ly git rid of that smell!
Needless to say, since this wuz Thursday and we wuz planning our trip to the swamp on Saturday, our Merleen problem wuz solved. She shouldn't have that mess cleaned up until the middle of next week. And her maw would make her stay home all week end. That left our way clear to go on with the plan to see that gator.
The Gator Trail
At last we were on the trail to see the gator. Lukey wuz our guide and the plans were being made.
I wuz glad most of all that the kiss hadn't took place. First, it might have ruint Lukey for life. You see, I didn't know girls wuz made for kissin' and it would be several years a'fore I fount it out. Lukey, on the other hand, wuz a little older than me and Lucky far as thinkin' of girls and stuff is. This wuz all 'cause he wuz in luv with Merleen to begin with.
Anyhow! On with the gator search!
I'm gonna put a map of the place where we wuz goin' here so you can tell just what kinda place this is.
Again I point you to my gallery for the map through the swamp.
All that gray on the map wuz trees and bushes so thick that a gnat had trouble flying thru it. There wuz a path (the red line) that we used whenever we played "Tarzan of the Jungle" or when we jus wuz a'mind to hide from ma and pa. This path won't very long but we considered it trecherus. No tellin' what you might run up on in these woods called "the branch". This is where we caught some of the best pet frogs in the world. Ever one we caught was already trained to scare girls. All girls that is 'ceptin Merleen Griffin. She wern't 'fraid of nuttin' but mice. These frogs were the absolute biggest in the world. Just to hear one croak in this branch wuz 'nuff to make you start to run 'afore you 'membered what that sound wuz. Personly, I think these frogs wuz born with scarin' in their blood. I also think Merleen wuz born that way too. 'Specially when I saw that "pucker" on her mouth in the church house that night. Now if'n I wuz to run up on her with a pucker on her lips down here in the swamp, I'd probly mess my pants. I can see why she wern't 'fraid of nuttin'. It wuz 'cause ever thang else wuz 'fraid of her.
You can see on the map there is a short way in and a long way in. Lukey, Lucky and me all'us took the long way. We had hidin' places ever where along that path. (Not for ourselfs but for thangs.) Whenever we fount somethin' that we wanted to keep outen our ma's and pa's hands we hid it along this path. We hid such things as matches, firecrackers, dry clothes and bullets. All this made our playin' down there more innerestin'.
We also liked this way in because the log across the creek wuz loose on one end and you could jump up and down on it to try and make the others fall off into the water. It wuz kinda like a spring-board. (Fact, we used it for one in the summer to jump into the creek.)
This is the spot where Lukey said he seen the gator.
Interesting Find
This is the part that makes things get more innerestin'.
As we walked along thinkin' 'bout what we wuz gonna find, all three of us 'magined ever thing frum a giant frog (of which there wuz plenty) to some sort of giant lizard that had done growed up way past the normal size and scairt Lukey half to death.
None of us wuz prepared for what we did see.
I'm gonna try and draw a pixture of it so you can git some idea.
What we found wuz a home-made gator. It wuz pieces of stove pipe put together and cut out to look like a gator. It'd been painted up and henged to make the jaw raise up. It wuz kinda scary at that.
Now you can see frum my pixture that this thing took some imaginin' and we all agreed that this wuzen't the work of no kid. This thing had to be made by a growed up and placed there to scare somebody outen their wits. Why you can see by those teeth that this wuzen't kid's work. Those teeth were cut out with some kinda scissors like my paw had in the tool shed at home. They wuz ragged and sharp on the edges!
Now that gator thing-a-ma-gig wuz rigged up sump'in like that rat in the box we used in the church house. It had a piece of some kinda cord run into it from the bottum and attached to a arm that made the top jaw raise up. The other end of that cord wuz attached to the end of the log that moved up and down when we would walk 'cross it. We fount all this out by darin' Lucky to cross the log while Lukey and me zamined the thang. There was some chicken carcusses down inside the jaw part and I supposen that's where the possums came from. You see, possums will eat anythings dead. We all just figuered that posssum came out of the gator after the jaw was raised.
Now here is the kicker! Lukey said he saw that gator breathing out fire and that's the part we didn't believe at'tall. But when we examined that thang, we found a lantern inside the pipe way back in the jaws of the home-made gator. IT WUZ LIT and when the jaw wuz raised you could look into the throat of gator and see that lantern.
Now that 'bout 'splains all this gator stuff.
BUT!!! we didn't like the ideee of somebody trying to scare us outen these parts of the branch 'cause that's where we played and romped all the time. If'n we had come in the short way we woulda made that jaw raise up and no doubt we would all have run outta them woods faster'n a rooster after a June Bug.
Now here wuz another puzzle. Just who made that gator and for what reason wuz it placed 'zactly where it wuz???
You can b'lieve one thang! WE WUZ GONNA FINE OUT!!!
Search for the Truth!
Well, Lucky, Lukey and Me 'cided to leave that gator just like we fount it and try an fine out who put it there. We knowd it wuz a growed up person 'cause that cuttin' and joining of the stove pipe wuzen't the doin's of a person without 'sperience. I knowd if'n I woulda tried to cut out them teeth my hands and fingers woulda been cut to pieces.
So we wuz lookin' fer a man! (or men)
There's certain thangs we knowd:
1.A growed up did it.
2. It wuz done to scare somebody.
3. That thang wuz made outta parts a kid can't get hold uf.
(not even Lucky and me)
4. It wuz placed 'zactly where we allus crossed that creek.
5. It musta been done to scare us 'cause we were the only ones which played in the branch.
6.The three uf us weren't gonna let nobody do that to us.
7. WE WUZ GONNA GIT TO THE BOTTOM UF THIS!!!
First thang we had to do wuz to start a search a these woods. We started in a circle and kept makin' a bigger circle. We walked 'bout ten yards apart so we could keep an eye on each other. It took us 'bout three hours but we found sump'in' 'spicious lookin'. It wuz barrels conected together by pipes. There wuz a big ole pipe run frum a metal tank to a nuther tall thang and these two were joined together. One had signs that a fire had built unner it and the other had a little spiket on the side. Settig 'round this whole contraption wuz jars full of what looked like water with lids on them.
We wuz all three thirsty so Lukey got one a them jars and took off the top. Boy! this stuff weren't water!! What it wuz wuz whiskey.
We done shore nuff run up on a whiskey still. I never seen one before but I seen pixtures of them in books.
Here's a pixture of one I tore outta a book:
Well here we were with fourteen half a gallon jars of whiskey and we wanted water.
Lukey, Lucky and me all three never tasted whiskey afore and we wouldn't have a better chance than this ever. We just dared each other 'til Lukey said he would try it first if'n we would. Then he backed out and 'cided not to do it. Wanting to taste this stuff so bad, we agreed to all git a jar, take the tops off, and on a count of three we would all turn it up and drank some whiskey for the first time in our lives.
ONE, TWO, THREE:
WE DONE IT!!
Man wuz that stuff bad! I thought I done poisioned myself to death. I wuz a burning frum the tip a my tongue to the bottom of my guts.
What had we done???? We wuz shorely gonna die! Within minutes, my head wuz a spining, my eyes wuz blurred and my lips wuz a tinglin' like when you go to the dentis' office and he sticks that needle in your gums.
WE WUZ GONNA DIE FOR SHORE!
Heads a Spinnin'
With "death approachin' (or so we thought) we just layed back and relaxed. Weren't much else we could do anyhow.
We all laid down and tried to stop the world frum spinnin'. I laid on a log and that log wuz a spinnin' so fast it threw me off three times. I laid back on the log and put my foot down to try and stop it frum spinnin'. That didn't do no good 'cause when I tried to stop the log frum spinnin' the whole ground started movin'.
I looked at Lucky and Lukey. They weren't having no luck stoppin' the twirlin' neither. I noticed they wuz a having trouble saying anythang I could unnerstan'. All their words wuz a runnin' together and they couldn't talk plain.
I did hear Lukey say he wuz gonna take a nuther swaller.
My goodness, what wuz he thankin'? We already couldn't motorvate. What wuz he tryin' to do go out in a blaze of glory?
Well, we already kilt ourselves, what could a little more hurt?
We all three swallered a nother gulp. I'm gonna tell you the truth, I felt kinda good!!! Before long ever thang they said wuz funny. I noticed we all three were laughing so hard we were crying and I didn't know why.
We were at somebodies' liquour still, drunk and not caring if we got caught.
Don't know how long we stayed there but I do remember heading out for home. After we fin'ly fount the path and figured out which way wuz home we headed outta the branch.
We didn't know that there was trouble waitin' for us up ahead. It wuz at the log where we usually crossed the creek. We were takin' the long way outta the branch and the log there wuzen't anchored on both sides of the creek. The side nearest to us was the "spring-board" end. Lukey tried first to cross the blame thang and he lost his balance and plummeted rite into the water of the creek. (This wuz the fall of the year so it won't no time for swimmin'.) That water wuz cold!!
As quick as a snake bitin' I reached out and grabbed Lukey by the hand and tried to pull him back to the bank. That wuz a mistake! He pult harder'n I did and he pult me rite in with him.
Our heads wuz still spinnin' a little frum that 'spiriment with the whiskey so we none could use our utinsels to good. Feet and hands just wouldn't do what we told 'em.
That water seemed to do somethang to the 'fect of that liquour. Me and Lukey began to feel a little more rite and we both struggled 'cross the branch and out the other side. That left Lucky on the other side by hisself.
Lucky said, "How am I gonna git to the other side?"
I said, "Man you are crazy, you're already on the other side."
Agin' we all busted our sides laughin'.
Lucky said, "Now you boys are on the other side and you ain't gonna fool me. I want to get to the other side too." (Kinda reminded me of what "Sparks" allus said when he wuz preachin' 'bout everbody a wantin' to git to the other side.)
Me and Lukey said we wuz gonna leave him there 'cause we wuz freezin' from being wet. As we started to walk away we heard a loud splash. Lucky done jumped in the creek and come to this side. Now he was wet like me and Lukey. But, we wuz all on the other side at least.
I told you before we hid thangs along that path. This is one time I am glad we did. We had some extra clothes hid beside the path in a certain spot 'case we wuz to 'cide to run away or sump'in. When we got to 'em we stripped naked and put on them dry duds. Man did they feel good!!!
We wuz all dried off and headed for the house. We just couldn't stop giglin' and laughin' 'cause everthang was so dad blamed funny.
By the time we got outen the water and made our way out of the woods it wuz nearly dark and we had to git home.
Oh well, tomorrow's a nuther day and we could plan how we wuz gonna git back at whoever wuz a makin whiskey in our branch and just who wuz a mind to try and scare us off with a fake gator like that.
Three Headaches Are Better Than One!
Sunday Mornin' dawned early and bright. Lukey, Lucky and me all had chores to do before church.
Only thang, MY HEAD HURT LIKE SOMEBODY HIT IT WITH A HAMMER!
Man! I ain't never had my head to ache like that. Ever time my heart would beat a pain shot thru my head like an injun arrow. It won't just on the inside, this ache started in the middle and filled up to the top of my skull bone. I tried to comb my hair and found out that my hair hurt. Ever time I blinked my eyes it felt like the lastic on my ju-vim-ber broke and socked me in the eyes.
And boy wuz I thirsty! I felt like if'n I didn't get some cold water I would shorely dry rite up. I went to the frigerator and got me the pichure of water and to the cabinet and got a glass. I gulped down a big glass and a half uf a nuther.
Guess whut happent next!
I got drunk all over agin! My head started spinnin' an my guts started churnin'. For long I had trouble walkin' strait. I went outta the house supposin' to do my chores but mainly to git away frum ma and pa. When I reached the chicken pen where I wus gonna get feed and throw it out for them chickens I had an awfully powerful feelin' in my guts to do somethin' I really hate to do. THROW UP!! Well, this I done. I thought I'd never stop up-chuckin' what I had eat for supper.(Thank God I hadn't eat no breakfast 'cause there wern't no need to waste perfectly good eggs and sausage with grits and ma's home-made bisquits.)
It seemed hours passes but it wuz only a few minutes or so.
Guess what?
My paw heard me making them noises and come to 'vestigate what wuz happnin'.
He said, "Boy what's wrong with you and what chew been doin?"
I said, "Nothing paw, I just don't feel too good." (And that wuz an unnerstatement.)
Paw said, "You must be comin' down with sump'in'. Get on up to the house and I'll finish these chores myself."
Now that seemed mighty nice of paw. I didn't take a split secont to think 'bout it, I just made a break for the house.
When paw got in the back door he tole ma that I wuz a'comin' down with sumpin. Uh Oh! I knew jus whut that meant. Ma called me to her and felt my head. (I thought she would shorely see how big it had grown overnight.) I don't know what is is 'bout feelin' my head that tells her so much. Then she bent down and smelt me. That musta tole her sumpin' cause she reached fer the Caster oil and a spoon. She poured out two big spoonfuls and made me take 'em.
Then she said, "Paw, I thank this boy had better stay home frum church today. He might be havin' a little more trouble than you thank."
I wuz shorely glad of that. I wouldn't have to listen to Sparks beggin' folks to get ready for the other side. Most uf all I wouldn't have to set there tryin' to hole my head up while he wuz a'doin' it. God musta knowed the shape I wuz in.
After ma and pa left fer church is when my problem really began. My gut wuz churnin' and my head wuz a'hurtin' and I didn't know what to do 'bout it.
All of a sudden, it started curin' itself. Deep in my gut was a pressure that caused me to hurt like a knife wuz a'stikin' in my belly. I knew frum past experience what this meant. I had took caster oil afore but this wuz the first time ma had ever gave me two spoons full.
I don't thank I need to continue with this 'splaning. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M A TALKIN' 'BOUT!!!!
Ma and pa wuz gone 'bout two hours and I wuz still in the toilet when they got back.
Ma said, "Son are you feelin' better?"
I said, "Shore am ma. That medicine you give me done the trick." I knowed I wuzen't gonna ever let on that I still felt bad 'cause I didn't want no more castor oil you betcha.
'Bout three a clock I met Lukey and Lucky an we talked 'bout this situation.
First off, Lukey and Lucky been through just whut I had; complete with the castor oil.
All three uf our heads ached 'til 'bout one ah clock. It wuz then we began to venture outern our houses to look fer one a nuther. Anyhow, when we wuz satisfied we weren't gonna die we began to make plans to get even with whoever did to us what they did in the swamp.
Bombs in the Branch
It wuz time we got down to business.
Won't no way we wuz gonna let nobody git the best uf us. I tole you that bafor.
Now just whut we wuz gonna do would take some plannin'.
I seemed to be the planner so I put my brain into gear. This thang would take time to work out the 'zact action to take to git the most bang for our bucks so to speak.
THAT'S IT!!! Bang for our bucks.
You 'member 'bout them things we hid along the path? Well, I tole you there wuz some firecrackers amongst our stuff. I's thanking that if'n we wuz to string out kinda in a half-circle 'round that likker still and set off the firecrakers it'd shorly scare the dickens outta whoever wuz at the still.
When I tole the plan to Lukey and Lucky they thought it wuz the greatest plan they'd ever hearn uf so we wus set to perform tha bess plan ever to get e'vun wid whoever tried to scare us.
Ony thang wuz we didn't know when they would be there. So we had to plan to spen' de nite 'a' lookin' for them to show up.
I knowed a little bit 'bout tha likker makin' thang. When we wuz there I 'member seein' some barrells with some stuff in them looked like slops we feed the hawgs. It smelt to high heaven and I thank it has to get to smellin' that way jus' afore they's make likker outern it. So what we had to do wuz come down to that still and wait for that stuff to smell real sourly like and plan to be in tha woods that night. (I thank that wuz the best time to be there.)
This is jess whut we done.
Me an Lukey an Lucky convinced our maw and paw we wuz gonna stay overenite at each other's houses so as to let them thank we wuz safe and soun' durin' the nite. This give us free wheel to do what we wuz want to do.
All three of us clothed up heavy an' plan'd to spen' tha nite in tha branch near that likker still. We went in by tha long path and picked up our matches and firecrackers so as to light 'em off on t'other side uf tha still. We figur'd whoever wuz there would make a brake for it down this path and try to cross at tha log we used for a spring board. If'n you wuz in a hurry you prob'ly wouldn't make it 'cross tha log. That meant we had a purty good chance of catchin whoever it wuz when they tried to jump onto the log.
We waited and waited for someone to show up to make that likker. I s'pose it wuz 'bout 'le'em "a"clock when we heard the first noise in tha woods. Shore 'nuff this wuz tha nite tha likker makin' wuz to take place. We heard 'em talkin' and waited another hour before we spread out 'bout fifty yards apart an' lighted off them firecrackers.
When them firecrackers got to goin' it sounded like cannons 'a' faring off. Some of 'em wuz little ones and some wuz biguns. It wuz the biguns that sounded like danymite.
I ain't never heard such yellin' and hollerin'. Them two men broke into a run headed rite for tha log at tha long way into tha branch. This is jess whut I thought they'd do.
We lit off another roun' uf firecrackers and they really got into high gear. They's jumpin' logs and pushin' over bushes tha likes uf which I never seen.
The three uf us wuz kinda slippin' 'long in tha woods watchin' the 'citement. When the two uf them got to tha log bridge tha first made a jump for the springboard end and almost made it. The second made a little longer jump and landed on tha log but his legs split on tha log. One foot went on one side uf the log and one foot on tha other. He let out a loud scream that made noises bounce back tha same as he said it. It echoed 'least three or four times afore it qwit.
When this happen't we got scared and slipped back a little into the woods. We thought we'd better hide for a while. We kinda knowed we wuz caught with all this racket. When the lie wuz fount out 'bout us stayin' together then we wuz shore caught.
What could possa'bly get us outern this'un?
Saved by the BELLE!
Lukey, Lucky and me wuz 'a' hidin' tryin' to figure out jess how we wuz gonna git outern this'un when tha bess thang that ever did happen to us happent.
We heard the feet steps of somebuddy else in the swamp. They's coming and runnin' from the d'rection of the likker still and a yellin' to tha tops of their lungs. When they reached tha log they didn't even try to git on and git over. They jess stopped and begun to laugh so hard they fell down an' grabed their sides to keep 'em frum a bustin'.
Warn't nothing better coulda happent than for Merleen Griffin an' her new beau to come up on these two men like they did. Ya see, when they showed up it made it look like they wuz 'sponsible for tha hole thang.
We wuz offen the hook.
I didn't tell you why we wuz on tha hook in the first place.
It's kinda like this. Them two men we had scairt frum that likker still wuz my paw and Uncle Bill, Lukey and Lucky's paw. Turns out they's tha ones makin' likker in our branch.
By Merleen and her beau a follern us down there that nite they took tha blame fer the hole thang and we wuz home free!
Lucky Lukey and Me
Now! Let’s get on with Lukey and the Gang.
The three of us wuz tight’ern cream ‘n milk (and you know the only thang tight’ern that is the cow.) We done ever thang agether. Whur you seen one youse apt to see the other’n.
Let me tell ya a story ‘bout the celebrashun in town ever year on the fourth day of July.
The oginizers of the ‘vent put on bettern good show. All these thangs wuz for the whole fambly. Ma’s and pa’s and everbudy.
Let me tell you ‘bout the things they’d planned. The had everthang. And I mean everthang. Why they’s a pig catchin’, a pole climbin, sack races, lemonade, watermelon seed spittin, horse shoe chunkin, goat restlin, and pie eatin contest an a whole lot more. For the growed ups theys, baseball on donkeys, also a big pie eatin contest. They had a cage where one person got p in there and everybody else throwed baseballs a trying to dump that there one n a tub of water. Now this here all started ‘bout ten o’clock in the mornin and quit ‘bout ten oclock in the night. We eat dinner and supper rite there in the park. After all this they’s a great big farwurks thang. Man! This was the funnest day of the whole year!
Lukey, Lucky and me got there early and kind spied thangs out. We always took pride in what we could do at that there celebrashun. There wuz certain thangs we wanted to git a edge on if ‘n you know whut I mean. We wanted to check out the pole clim’in, tha pig catchin, watermelon seed spittin, goat restlin, and the pie eatin contest. We felt shur that one t’other of us wuz shore to win most of these contests. We didn’t enter the sack race bacuz there wuz only three uf us and there needed to be four (you see they’s two to a sack.)
The first event wuz the horse shoe chunkin. Lucky and me didn’t even try that. Lukey wus taller than we wuz and he had more muscles than we did. The objec wuz to chunk a horse shoe (minus the hoss) and come close to a iron stob the one closes to the stob was a winner. The very bes chunk was a “ringer.” That’s whur the horseshoe landed around the stob.
Well we wuz there and reddy to go.
So let the games begin!!!
Tha switch that turns you on
Lukey went n for that horseshoe chunking determin to win. He’d already been practizin in the yard at the house. He took aunt Mary’s tin tub and tried to pitch rocks ‘bout the size of a cannalope into the tub. Boy he got good at that. He would chunk ten an ‘bout seven would go in. He got better and better in tha weeks jus b’for tha celebrashun. As he practized them rocks bent tha sides of tha tub and knocked holes in tha botton. We nun didn’t notice this ‘til Aunt Mary started to wash some clothes in tha tub. She noticed tha bends in tha tub and yelled out, “LUCKY GIT OUT HERE RITE NOW!!!” That wuz her furst wurds when sumpin went wrong.
Lucky come a runnin and he never thought much ‘bout that tub being bent. (Lucky wuz tha most hard-headed one of tha two Aunt Mary jus guessed he wuz tha one tore up tha tub.) When Lukey heard Lucky’s name called he lit out fur the swamp. Lucky made tha mistake uf laffin’ at tha water pourin frum the tub. Aunt Mary jus picked up that tub and poured tha whole thang over lucky. (Now don’t ask me how she done it, I don’t know. Less’ern it wuz one uf them thangs where you have more strangth that you calls up when yore mad. Whatever it wuz, she had it.) That weren’t all what she done. Aunt Mary went over to tha “switch bush” (it’s called that ‘cause that’s whur tha long limbs of tha bush are and long limbs make good switch tan yore hide when you needed beatin. Tha “board of edgycashun” took the place of the switch when you grew up a little more.) Well Luckey went to runnin’ and Aunt Mary went to chasin’. Runnin’ and chasin’ and a runnin’. Aunt mary had her dress pulled up to whur you could see her “bloomers” so she could run faster. Lucky had all he could do to stay ahead of her-but that’s what he done. After a little bit Aunt Mary stopped in her tracks and let down her frock. Lucky stopped ‘bout twenty-five yards frum her.
Aunt Mary yelled at him, “That’s alright boy you gotta come sometime a nuther!”
And that wuz so true. Suppertime would come a calling and Lucky would want to eat. But the thang wuz he hadn’t done a thang. You’ll see later on that time after time Lukey had the fun and Lucky had to run. In fact me and lucky spent a lot’o our time just thanking what we could do to git Lukey into trouble. Like when Merleen Griffen kissed him in the church that time. I’ll never fergit hit.
Meenwhile Lukey wuz a hidin in the swamp but not too deep so as to be able to see an hear whut happent to Lucky. They say, “ever dog has it’s day” and fur doing this to Lucky, Lukey had a day a comin’. Only he didn’t know it wuz a comin.
Aunt Mary wuz right. Lucky wuz a gittin haungry (now there’s a difference in hungry and haungry. Hungry meant that you could eat sumpin. Haungry meant yore back bone wuz a telling your stomack, “either feed me or I’m a gonna take you to cort for non support.”) When you’re hungry, you belly makes a sound like a kitten purring. When you’re haungry it sounds more lack one of them lions that ain’t ett in a week or two. Haungry wuz what Lucky wuz. He’d already stayed in the corn crib way past supper and he wuz a wantin supper and his bed.
Lucky cided after ‘bout nine o’clock he’d been out there long enuff. Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill were in tha bed ‘round seven thurty so Lucky wuz shore tha path wuz cleeer.
He crept down tha ladder from tha loft (that’s upstares in tha barn). Jes when his foot hit the groun the first of many strokes of that switch caught him just abuv the knee. He started to run agin. Aunt Mary wuz right behin him. This time she had her night clothes on and she had more room fer her legs to move. Lucky tried to run faster but he jes couldn’t outrun her. She wuz a matchin him step fur step.
Step and switch, swipe and run, they’s a runnin like they wus in the army and a marching step fur step. Aunt Mary would swing that switch in betwixt steps. It was a thing to behold. It looked like sumbudy had mapped out each step and each swing of that switch.
Suddenly Lucky stopped running. You see, there wuz a trick that tha three uf us played on each other. If’n it ever wuz that one started a chasin’ tha other tha one in front would just fall down and ball up and tha one behind would trip and fall over the one that stopped. Yep! That’s what Lucky done. He stopped balled up in a ball and Aunt Mary was caught too late to stop. She tumbled ‘bout ten feet. Let me say she didn’t jus tumble, she rolled for ‘bout fifteen feet in all.
Well Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill raised chickens that they let run loose in the yard.
Do I have to tell you any more?
OK! I will. Aunt Mary rolled through a mess of black and white chicken fertilizer and when she got up her night-gown looked like leppard skin ‘cause of that (and this is just as euphemistic as I can say it) chicken fertilizer.
Lucky opened his mouth to laugh, but he knew he better not. And he didn’t know if this thing wuz over or not.
Lucky swore (although he weren’t sposed to swear) he wuz gonna git Lukey back fer this ‘un iff’en he had to take forty beatings.
Put through the ringer
You know how we left off that thang wid Aunt Mary? Member? She wuz lying on da groun’ covered with fertilizer. Kinda puts a body in mind of one a them peenut logs ‘cept wid out tha peenuts. That’s to be continured.
Now let’s git on wid the party in tha park. Lukey was one of twenty (20) that wuz going to chunck horseshoes. Heere’s whur he put that practice ta work. In order to win hit all, alls you had ta do wuz to win four games strait. First there wuz twenty, then there wuz ten, then there wuz 5, then there wuz three and finly there wuz two. Lukey worked hisself up to the champiun ship roun’ by chunking fourteen ringers thru his tot’l games. Now the heat’s on. Lukey took a gander over to his ‘ponent fur tha last and champshun ship game. To his suprize hit wuz a girl. It wuz Margaret Prince! Lukey most dropped his teeth.
Now Margaret won’t big nor tall in fact she wuz kinda cute. (Did I SAY THAT????) Fact wuz she wuz the first girl I ever thought wuz cute (borderin on purty.)
Margaret went first and on her first chunck she hit a ringer and come purty close on her secont shot. Only way fur Lukey ta win wuz for him to throw a “topper.” (That’s when you chunck and your shoe goes on the top o’ a ringer your ‘ponent throwed. A topper wuz worth ten points A ringer wuz worth five points.)Try as he wuld, he didn’t evun come close. Guess he wuz nervous being challunged by a shemale. The next roun’ Lukey won with a leaner. (A leaner is when the horseshoe leaned aginst the stob.) The score wuz 9 ta 9 and you had ta win by two points. Lukey throwed a nuther leaner and Margaret went and chuncked a hourseshoe that knocked Lukey’s right off the post and two feet away. That made tha score 10 ta 9. Lukey won the next roun’ and they’s tied 10 ta 10.
Hit wuz Lukey’s turn and he throwed a ringer. Tha only way fer Margaret ta win wuz fer her ta throw a topper. HE DID!! Shock set in for all three uf us.
Margaret had won one of the bestest games uf all. Tha three uf us wuz in shock. But there wuz other avents ta go.
Next come the pig chasin. Now that ‘un wuz our’n fer shore!!!
They put off tha pig catchin’ cause they cudden’t ketch tha pigs to put em in tha pin. So we went on to the sack race.
It’s in the Bag!
Lucky an Lukey teamed up fer tha sack race adder all. I couldn’t wait to see Lucky and Lukey win that un. After all jest lack tha horseshoe throwin’ they’d practiced at home. All the toe sacks (that’s what we stuffed corn in and anything else it’d hole. I thank it us called “burlap”) wuz full so they jest took a pillar case from tha pillar in Lucky’s room an used hit. Uh! Oh! Here’s more truble fer Lucky. When Aunt Mary finds that pillar case a missin’. Member that fertilizer roll ain’t over yet. Now here’s sumpin’ else to add to tha pot.
Everbody wuz on tha start line and reddy to git a going but me. I wuz on tha side watching an a fixin to holler to tha top of my lungs fer Lucky and Lukey to win.
Jest then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned ‘roun and there wuz Margaret with a sack in her hand.
Margaret said, “You wanna ta les race in this sack?”
My mind said , “No way!” But that ain’t whut come outern my mouth. I didn’t bleave my ears when I said, “I..I…I gggg uess so.”
Oh good Lordy what had I done? She took tha bag and I follered her to tha start line. Both my knees wuz a shakin and I cudn’t hardly stan on one lag to put the othern in that bag. I put tha shakiest foot in that bag that I could muster up. She put her lag in with mine. I feld jest like a fool here with my leg in a bag and my arm ‘roun Margaret’s wase an her arm ‘roun my wase. I done some scary thangs in my life but I thought this wuz tha scariest. I got myself ina mess an it wuz jest because she didn’t have nobody to race with her. Tha bad thing ‘bout it wuz everbudy would shore see me since they warn’t a nuther girl in tha race. Oh! Lordy, Lordy jest how did I git myself in this sitiation? It wuz too late to pray now. We wuz on tha line and tha whisul wuz a gonna blow enny secont.
WHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!!
That wuz the whisul an we took off fast as we could. Air legs wuz just the right match for us to run fast. Air hip bones brushed together as we run. (Oh my God! Did you hear what I jest said.? I AM A BRUSHING HIP BONES WITH A SHEMALE!!!)
I shore wuz glad the race warn’t a long one. It us bout long as the path frum the house to the old toilet that we never used no more. Anyways I wanted it to be over jest’s fast as hit cud. I wuz a runnin’ wid my eyes shut, an I wuz a runnin’ fast. I thought if’n I wuz to shet my eyes maybe, jest maybe folks wudn’t know who I wuz. Not!!!!
Anyhow we wuz runnin’ and danged if we weren’t a doin purty good. I member peeping a time or two an we, Margaret an me, wuz a winnin’.
Margaret Prince and me wuz a runnin’ faster than I ever run b’fore. Tha finish line wuz a piece of backer twine stretched betwixt two trees. I felt tha strang git tite across my chest and then I felt hit break. By golly we’d won-Margaret an me!! Jest as we broke that twine we tripped and fell. We’s both laying on tha groun’ laffing. I laffed so hard my sides felt like they’d split.
Then sumpin’ turribul happent. She looked at me and said, “Thank you Martin, I had fun.” Did I hear her right. Martin! She knowed my name. I wonder did she know all my name. Justin Martin McBride, Jr. that’s me. An she called me Martin. Uf all my whole name I hated Martin and she called me Martin. I wuz about to tell her never to do that agin but when I turnt my head an looked in her eyes tha worse thang in the worl happent. She kissed me dead on the lips.
Next thang I know I wuz awaking up by Margaret a sayin, “Martin, Martin! You alright?” Come to fine out I musta passed out or sumpin. (Folks, I really swooned although I didn’t know nothing about such as that. Now when you swoon you lose awareness as to your surroundings. It ain’t nothing unusual for that to happen when one receives his/her first kiss.) I herd her a sayin’ my name, the one I hated, and it sounded so good when she said it. It wuz like a bird singin’ my name.
Alls I cud thank uf was that kiss Merleen put on Lukey in the church house. But this’un wuz diffrunt.
I FELT SICK TO MY STOMACK!!!
A Pig in a Poke
Tha sack race wuz over, I’d done been kissed and tha prizes wuz ‘gone ta be give out when all tha stuff wuz over. Now here wuz a embarcing thang if there ever wuz one. They’s gonna ‘nounce tha names of tha winners. Over tha loud speaker I wuz gone ta hear my name in tha same sentence as Margaret Suzette Prince! Warn’t nuttin worsern that. Bad enough I fell down in a sack with her, now everbudy wuz a gonna hear my name with hers. I cudn’t stan hit so I run and hid bahind a great big oak tree and by this time Lucky and Lukey made their way ta whur I wuz. I ain’t never seen them a grinning no wider than they wuz now.
They’s both a saying, ”Margaret, Margaret, saw her hit the target.” And “Justin’s in luv. Justin’s in luv.” J. M., Jr. wuz my real name.” My pa wuz Justin Martin and so wuz mine ceptin fer tha Jr. part.
I yelled, “SHUT UP AND LET’S GO CATCH A PIG.”
Thay said, “ Looks like you already did. A red headed one.”
Tha folks a runnin’ tha thang had fin’ly got them pigs in tha pen and wuz reddy ta go. Me and Lucky and Lukey went to look into tha pen a fore they’s let out. What we saw wuz anuff to make a person go crazy. There in that there pen was ten uf tha ugliest hogs I done ever seen. Why they had black grease all over ‘um. It won’t gone a be jest a simple pig catchin’, it wuz a greasy pig catchin’. Tha grease wuz added since last year. Hit wuz hard enuff ta ketch em without tha grease. That’s already been seen when thay’s a trying to ketch ‘em and git ‘em in tha pen.
Now thay wuz gonna count ta ten and let’ em go. Tha furst one ta ketch one and hole it slam up offern the groun’ wuz tha winner. Now all four feet had ta be up offern tha groun. We just had ta win this’un. One uf us had ta be tha one a holdin’ a pig.
That gate wuz throwed open and them pigs lit out. We wuz in the fenced-in ball field so they cudn’t run but jest so fer. I grabbed on by tha hind leg a one and Lukey grabbed hit by tha snout (snout is tha pigs nose.) We figured Lucky, since he wuz short and strong ta boot, cud take a hold of the middle and lift hit up. Jest as Lucky wuz ‘bout ta take a good hold that pig bit Lukey and he let go. Lucky didn’t even get a hold and I wuz drug ‘bout ten feet and I let go.
We all stood up an “surveyed tha plot” so to speak. There wuz a storm ditch a runnin’ crossed ways tha field. It only stood ta reason that if’n one uf us wuz ta git down in tha ditch and tha other two chased a pig down tha ditch tha one in tha ditch could ketch it. Sounded like a plan ta me. Lucky got in tha ditch and me and Lukey wus tha chasers. Well everthang went good ‘til James David Tadlock got in tha ditch in front of Lucky. That pig run straight ta James and he made a grab for it. He almost got it too. But, that hog run right through his legs. Turns out he wuz “so bow legged he couldn’t hem a hog up in a ditch.” You heard dat b‘fore! Right thru James’ legs and into Lucky’s arms that’s whur that pig run. Lucky come up outtern’ that ditch with that pig and he wuz da clared da winner.
We wuz so happy at Lucky’s win that they fergot, ‘bout me and Red (Margaret) fer a little while.
We three headed over for tha lemonade stan to cool off with a nice cold glass.
It ain’t all Roses
I never made it ta tha lemonaid stan. I got jest ‘bout half way frum tha place whur we caught that pig and I felt a turribul pain in my gut. This pain bent me dubbel. I never felt hurtin’ like dis before.I fell strait down and jest laid there. I couldn’t baleeve it; I wuz a cryin. I really didn’t want ta cry but I cudn’t help it. Tears came a tricklin’ down my face and Lucky bent down to help. Lukey run fer my Ma.
Lucky said, “Justin, whuts the matter? Why you cryin?” They’d never seen me cry before. I shore didn’t want them ta see me now neither. I jest cudn’t help it.
Ma got there and she sent fer Pa. When Pa got there he jest picked me up and went towards tha car. He put me in tha back seat and ma got in with me. He drove home and Ma got out tha caster oil. Oh! No! Tha last time I got that wuz when we came back frum the swamp where tha alligator wuz. You member that don’t chew?
Aunt Mary come thru tha door ‘bout that time and she said, “Louise, (yep that wuz her name. Mary Louise Thornton McBride) I heard that you shouldn’t give a yungun caster oil when they’s had a real bad stomack ache.”
Ma said, “Mary I heard that and I don’t know whut I’ wuz a thankin. What you thank we ought a do?”
“Well seing as how this thang come on tha boy so fast you might ought ta take that boy ta tha doctor or sumpin.” She said.
‘Bout that time I yelled out loud. Ma put her hand on my belly and it most killt me. Pa come in and he said, “Load him up! We’re goin ta tha hospitle.”
When we got ta tha hospitle and the doctor finly got to me he said I had pendisitis an I needed a operashun. I never even knowed anybody had a operashun. What wuz they gone do to me. My ma tried to splain jest how they wuz gone a make me go to sleep and take sumpin outern me. Alls I could see wuz them a guttin’ me like a hawg. I’d seen that and every hawg had that done ended up on tha table or stuffed in sausage or sumpin worse. I knowed one thang! I shore didn’t want them a doin’ that ta me.
They laid me on this long tabul with wheels on it and Ma and them rolled me out into anuther room.
Ma said, “Now Justin, baby boy, (Uh! Oh! Somethang wuz really wrong she never called me Baby Boy lessern I wuz really sick) ever thang is gone a be alright.”
They rolled that bed into a room with a big light n a middle. It shore wuz cold and a lady a wearin’ a mask said , “Sonny Boy you cold?” An in betwixt shakin’ I said. “Y…Y…Yeees MMM mam.” She put one o the warmest blankets over me that I ever felt.
Then she said, “I’m a gone a put a lil needle in your arm, you think you can stand that without crying.”
I shore wanted my Ma and Pa. But I said, “I thank so. Is it gone a hurt?”
She said, “Jest a little. You won’t cry will you?" I couldn’t cry now. She wuz a stranger and I just couldn’t cry while she wuz a looking. She put tha needle in and it hurt like “hell!” Then it didn’t hurt and I got real sleepy. Next thang I knowed, I’s a wakin up in a bed that warn’t mine and Ma wuz on one side and Pa wuz on tha t’other. Ma looked like she’s been a crying. I jest couldn’t hole my eyes open lessen they’s ta call my name and then I’d open em up jest long anuff ta peep at whoever called my name. I wuz in a land from somewhurs else.
I finely woke up but I don’t know how long I been a sleep. When I did Ma an Aunt Mary wuz a standin over me like they’s gone a wush me good bye. They both had holden a hand a piece and they wuz both a callin’ me. Hit sounded like their voices wuz a thousant miles away. I begin ta worry. The only time I ever knowed anybody ta git in the hospitle was my granpa. And he never come back home. Now wuz I gone a do tha same thang? I’d rather jest stay asleep. So I did.
Don’t know how long I slep. But when I woke up agin I stayed awake. I had a hurtin down in my right side. I reached down to put my hand on it and felt something big and soft. It hurt bad when I touched it.
Ma said, “Son don’t do that. Let it alone, You want ta tear them stitches out?”
Stitches!!! Whut wuz she saying did they run me through a sewin’ machine or sumpin’? Anyhow, it didn’t take me long ta figure out that leaving that thang alone wuz best fer me.
Hit wuz ‘bout dark an they brung me sumthin’ to eat. This wuz the first time I ever member seein’ food I jest couldn’t eat. Ma, Aunt Mary, and Pa wuz in the room. Pa said, “Mary Louise, I’m gone a go ta tha house. If’n ye need me call ta tha Potters an maybe they’ll fetch me ta their telephone.” Aunt Mary left with him.
Next morning Ma washed me off an drug me up in tha bed. Man did that hurt! They brought me some more uf that food I couldn’t eat. And again at dinner tha same thang. It wuz after supper when Lucky Lukey and Aunt Mary come to see me. Lukey and Lucky commence to tell me uf the way the games turnt out. Some uf tha stuff they’s a telling was so funny but I couldn’t laff. God! But I wanted to hear it but it kilt me to laff. Ma and Aunt Mary made um be quiet so’s it wouldn’t hurt when I laffed. After they left I fell off to sleep agin.
Schoolroom Madness and the Card Read ‘Roun the Wurld
Guess whut? Thair wuz a nuther mirical in tha air. You see I had ta stay home frum school ta tha next week. Now that wuz shore gonna be heaven. Me out o school by my self and able ta do jest whut I wuz want ta do. Aftur a day I wuz able ta git out o tha bed and walk purty good and strate. My side wuzzent a hurtin like hit did. I evern went outside fer a spell. I shore wuz a gitting better.
But tha best thang happn’t wuz me a getting inta that nanner puddin’ Aunt Mary brought. I been a wantin some a that evun bafor I left tha hospidle. Well today is tha day I wuz gone a have my fill uf hit. Ma got me a bowl and just let me eat and eat. Hit wuz tha bess I ever tasted. So I kep on eatin. My stomack didn’t hurt so bad anymore an I really put that puddin away. That wuz dinner time and I didn’t even want no supper. I wuz sill fullern a tick.
Now that whole week I wuz out a school Lucky brung my lessins home so’s I wudn’t git behind. I done em up quick and fin’ly after ‘bout three days uf this I got able ta play with my BB gun and hunt birds and stuff. But them last two days and Saturday and Sunday wuz just unbarable
Now here’s tha mirical I promised you in tha first part up thair.
I WANTED TO GIT BACK TA SCHOOL! I can’t believe I wanted ta go ta school. Me, Justin McBride, a wantin’ ta go ta school.
I got ta stay home frum church so I at lease didn’t have ta hear “Sparks” a peachin ‘bout getting ta tha other side. Ya know whut? I felt jset like I had done been ta tha other side when I’wuz at tha hospital. I wuz somewhere else for shore. I don’t know whur an I don’t want ta go back.
Monday fin’ly come an I got on tha school bus. It started bafor I set down. Ever one of them yunguns was a asking questions faster than a automadic rifle. I answered all I could and then they wanted ta see my scar. Why you might a thought I wuz a wounded soldier a comin’ home from tha war. I wuz a herow uf a sort. Showin my scar made me feel like I wuz superman. I liked hit.
When we got ta tha school everone in my room looked at me and then they all tried ta talk at wonst. I cudn’t her most of them but tha ones I did hear all had the same question, “Did hit hurt?” Why hell heck yeah hit hurt. What’d they thank. Sombuddy took a knife an split me open and took sumpin out a me. When I showed them the scar all over agin them that hadn’t seen it said, “oooooooo.” Almose at tha same time. I could tell I wuz their herow.
Then hit happened agin. Margaret come over ta me ta give me a card signed by all the yunguns’ in tha class.
I tuck one look at Margaret and saw sumpin I ain’t never seen before ner since. Her red hair shined like a polished red plum. Hit wuz cut off jest above her ears and won’t long at all in tha back. That wuz the purtiest hair I ever seen. Her eyes had sumpin in ‘em. I don’t mean trash or nuttin like that. They’s bluern tha Carolina sky. I thought she wuz a lookin slam through inta my pure soul. Her skin mimded me of what ma an granma used ta make butter. Hit wuz the same color as what come ta tha top uf milk. They called that cream and her skin wuz that same color only maybe jest a lil bit lighter. I couldn’t help it I felt week in da knees.
She handed me tha card an I wuz glad that wuz all she done. I probly didn’t ‘preciate tha card ‘cause I never sowed it ta ma. But I never fergot it neither.
Drownin’ in “Red”
(Now I know you’re smart enough to read and understand and you’re ready to jump all over the fact that you don’t go to school in July. But this is an unusual year. The flood after the hurricane cause the schoolhouse to get damaged and the kids were out of school for two months after that in order to have the school repaired. So it’s July and the kids are in school for just this one July.)
Now on with the tale.
As a usual thang when tha bell rung Lucky and me wuld go a runnin’ and meet up with Lukey bafore we got ta tha bus. Not today! I done been made fun uf and laffed at ‘cause they fount out ‘bout that sack race an hit wuz passed ‘roun frum yungun ta yungun and they all knowed ‘bout it. So when tha last bell rung I jest lit out fer the door and went strate ta tha school bus. I wuz tha firs one there and I set down in the firs seat bahine tha driver. (At that time them in the lementh an twelf grade wuz tha drivers.) I usual set in tha aback with Lucky an Lukey but today I didn’t want nobody ta see nuttin but tha back uf my head. I really didn’t want ta have ta look at Margaret. I pertended to be a looking at my rithmatic book 'til tha bus started off. Everbuddy got on an tha bus pullt out. I had managed not ta look at none uf ‘em. I knowed she wuz thair but I won’t gone a let her see me look.
Reminds me now of that old song:
“I was lookin’ back to see if you were looking back to see if I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me. Now it was plain to see that you were looking back at me while I was looking back at you”
Tha bus wuz a droppin off yunguns an purty soon it wuz gone a git o Margaret’s stop. I kinda wanted ta see her but I shore didn’t want her ta see me looking. Ever since this morning I had her hair and her face burnt on tha back o my eyelids. Ever time I closed my eyes I saw her. She lived ‘bout two miles frum the house an on the way home the bus dropped her off firs an in tha mornin’ tha bus picked her up ather me.
When I got home frum school ma had some o her good biscuits with chees cooked in um. That’s tha furs thang I headed fer usually. Whut she done was she took tha biscuits from dinner and split ’em open an put some cheez in tha middle and toasted ‘em in tha oven. That’s the furs thang I looked fer when I got home. I walked thru tha kitchun an there wuz them biscuits a laying on a plate covured wid a towel. I jest walked right by ‘em and didn’t even so much as look at ‘em.
Ma called me ta supper an her an pa set down ta eat. I hollered from the livin room, “I ain’t hungry.” I don’t know why I said that but it really wuz true I jest won’t hungry. Usually I didn’t have no trouble with my homewurk neither but taday wuz differnt. I jest cudn’t concentrate. I liked rithmatic but I cudn’t even add two an two. I fount out that nite I cudn’t sleep neither. I jest rollt and tumbled all nite. Evertime I closed ma eyes I saw that “redhead” on tha back uf my eyelids. I jest wanted to peel up them eyelids and scrape that pichure off. I ain’t never been like this bafore.
Ma come in my room and woke me up fer brekfust. I got up an put on my close fer school an went to tha table ta eat. There wuz eggs, bacon, grits, and hot biscuits. I looked at ‘em and cudn’t eat a thang. Whut in tha Sam Hill wuz a goin on? I won’t sick, lease I didn’t thank I wuz. I jus didn’t want nuttin to eat.
Now ma wuz a beiginnin’ ta worry an she threatened me wid some more castor oil. I kep telling her I wuz alright, jes not hungry.
That mornin I wuz at tha bus stop early. I wanted ta see that bus a comin’ so bad. When it finly did git there I went ta tha back and set down. Lucky and Lukey wuz already on tha bus and when I went ta tha back they come back thair wid me. We wuz in tha back and tha bus wuz a rollin’ on hits way ta pick up a little red headed girl. I set in tha back so she had to set in front uf me. Lukey, Lucky, an me usually ripped and rared in tha back o tha bus but t’day alls I wanted that bus ta do wuz git ta her stop qwick as it cud. Two more miles and I’d see her. (There’s a song in that somewhere.)
WHAT WUZ A HAPPNIN TA ME????
Just then Lucky and Lukey started a chant bout me an Margaret, “Justin an Margaret, Justin an Margaret…” Purty soon the hole bus wuz a shoutin’ it.
Oh God! Whut wuz I gone a do?
When tha bus picked her up them kids wuz a still shoutin the same thang. Margaret set down on the furst seat and didn’t evun look back. Dang! I hadn’t spected that. I got real brave and went ta tha front and set down right baside her. She wuz a crying.
When I went ta tha front and set down tha shoutin’ stopped. Hit become more like a chatter thru tha hole bus. I said, “Margaret don’t cry. They’ll quit it bafore long. Which they done.
Is this what a heart attack feels like?
When we stopped off I wuz in tha front seat with Margaret. Tha rest uf tha yunguns wus still talking and poking fun. I jest cudn’t let ‘em make her cry no more. Frum then on me and Margaret wuz a talking thang and I didn’t care.
Tha bus come to her stop and she got off. Lukey and Lucky come a flyin’ up ta tha front and crowded in side uf me, one on each side. They wus a punchin’ me in tha sides wid thur elbows and askin me. “When you an her gone git married?” I felt like stompin ‘em in tha floor. Which I didn’t.
I got off tha bus and made a jesthure with my hand back at them two. I walked ta tha house wid my head down pokin’ along kickin tha sand wid my feet. I didn’t want to lose my two very best friends but if they kep on I wuld haff to make a choice betwixt them and a lil red headed girl. I didn’t want ta do that. Why is all that stuff happen ta me? I don’t know whut’s happin’. I ain’t never liked gurls bafore. What’s hapennin’? I swear I just can’t unnerstan’ it.
I walked inta tha house an ma asked me if I wuz gone a have a biscuit. I jest didn’t know if I wuz or not. Then ma said something ta me I hated to hear frum her.
Ma said, “J. M. Jr. are you in love?” As for me, I think I wuz.
I asked her, “Ma, whose been talking ta you?”
“Sonny boy I ain’t blind. I know when a yungun like you won’t eat sumpin’s up. When Mary come over she said tha boys had been a talking an I ain’t much at rithmatic but I can put two and two together. Sides when you didn’t eat them bisqits and you didn’t have a fever hit culd only be you wuz in luv,” she said. And then she said, “Son, I saw you at tha park and that’s when it happent ain’t it?” I didn’t say nuttin’. Next thang she said wuz, “Why don’t you ask your pa ‘bout this and he’ll tell you something.”
Ma had done an lost her mind. Pa wuz tha last one I wanted ta know ‘bout this stuff.
God! Ever since that day in tha park I been in one cussed mess and a nuther. I don’t deserve this kinda stuff. I heard uf things being a walk in tha part but this shorely won’t one a them. Sumpin’s got ta give.
Margaret, Margaret, Red headed Margaret. She wuz all I cud thank uf. What wuz I gone a do?
Now I am shore life is gone be mizruble tha rest uf my days. I jest know it.
Play Groun’ Mischief
You already know I got big problums. Tha boys are my friends but I can’t git her off my mind. This is tha most serious sitiation I ever been in.
Wait a minute!
I can git Lukey off my back if I remind him uf that other girl, Merleen Griffin. Him and her been trying not ta let everbuddy know ‘bout them but me an Lucky kowed all ‘bout it. Now’s all I had ta do wuz ta remine all tha yunguns ‘bout that and I am shore it will help with tha laffing at me. After all Lukey wuz older than me and Lucky and we wuz in a nuther room from his'n. He wuz on a diffrunt level than we wuz. I jest had ta git tha ones in his room ta knowin’ whut wuz up.
Time fer a plan!
Me and Lucky knowed that Lukey and Merleen met each other at ressess most ever day. Now they had them a perfect place ta meet. Hit wuz on a banch unner a big oak tree kinda out uf site frum everbuddy. They’d sometimes hole hands. Now I knowed if we cud git tha other yunguns ta come ta that tree when Lukey and Merleen went thair they would most certain ketch ‘em holdin’ hands. Trick wuz jest how wuz we gone do that.
Holy Shmoley!! I got it!
If they wuz one thang that wuz shore ta make a bunch o yunguns come a runnin’ hit wuz a fight (specially yunguns in tha fif and six grade.) Yep you know what I mean. A fist fight on tha play groun at resess. Now alls I had ta do wuz ta git sombuddy ta have a fight next ta that big ole tree. Then a bunch of them kids wuld come a pilin over thair ta see whut wuz a goin on an they’d see Lukey and Merleen a holdin’ hands and tha chanting and laffing wuld start fer him jest like he started hit fer me and Margaret. This fight had ta take place jest at tha rite time. Hit had ta be jest whur and jest when. Only way ta make that happen wuz ta start hit myself. I had a plan fer that too.
In order for that fight ta start at jest tha right time I got Lucky ta agree wid me ta start a “fake” fight. We wuld go over ta tha tree and make like we wuz fightin and roll on tha groun’ and that wuz shore ta bring a bunch a yunguns runnin’ ta see it. I think it’s a good plan. So we did it.
Tha fif and six graders played on tha play groun at tha same time that’s why we culd git this plan ta work out so good. Shore nuff when ressess come at ‘bout the thurty Lukey and Merleen come out a tha school house and went one then tha other ta that banch under the oak. Lucky and me crep up bahine tha tree and he pushed me. I grabbed him aroun’ tha neck and we went rollin’ roun’ on tha groun’ like two dogs a fightin’. Sumbuddy yelled FIGHT! FIGHT! I looked up and they’s yungun a comin’ frum ever whur. In lessern a minute they wuz twinny boys and gurls thair ta watch tha fight. Soon as we got a crowd Lucky and me got up and went ta laffin’ hard. By that time some of the kids noticed Lukey and Merleen a holdin’ hands. I wuz so glad ‘cause now they wuz a chanting ‘bout them two.
After that fight Lukey never played ‘roun ‘bout Margaret and me. And Lucky, well he wuz on my side. He’d never say nuttin ‘bout Margaret.
Dust in tha Feed Sacks
After the fixed fake fist fight fit for fixin friend Lukey’s wagon Lucky and me just ‘bout busted our sides a laffing. (You know when we three wuz ‘round each other we wuz laffin all tha time. Even thangs that won’t funny wuz funny.)
I member that time we three fixed up the cow and caught us ‘cause he knowed we done it. Here’s whit we done:
Thair wuz a ‘lectric fence that kept the cow in. this fence put out a ‘lectric shock ‘bout ever two seconds. Well we three, (all uf us wuz in on it) unplugged the fence and laid it on tha groun’ for a space uf ‘bout ten feet. Then we led the cow to the fence on the groun’ and put her front legs on one side uf the fence and her hine legs on the other side us the fence. Then we put hit back up and turnt it on. The cow would try to go forward hit the fence wid her hine legs. Then she would try to go bacwurds and hit the fence wid her front legs. For a few minutes she minded me uf one a them rodeo bulls wid a cowboy on his back-jumpin’and kickin’, jumpin’ and kickin’ till she finly figured out she wuz trapped. Then she froze like a stachur.
Pa fount that cow like that and he called me into tha house fur a confurnce. He never used my whole name. Well, Almose never. This time he called me.” Justin Martin McBride!! Git your _______ in this house.Uh, Oh! I knowed whut that meeent. He whupped harder’n ma did and I wuz in for it. Now since I knowed whut wuz a comin’ I thought I wud git me some pertecshun. Bafore I went inta tha house I went by the pack house furst. I got me sum o dim feed sacks and folded ‘em up tha size uf my butt and crammed ‘em down the back uf my overhalls. When I got inta tha house pa already had his “board uf edgeicashun” in his hand. Now he wuz a hittin my rear end and I wuz a hollerin’ like I wuz a dying. Which I won’t. He’d hit and I’d holler. He wanted ta see tears but inside I wuz a laffing too hard to cry.
One thang I fergot ta do. I didn’t shake them feed sacks to git the dust out a ‘em. When pa would hit tha dust wud fly. Hit looked like when ma wud bring what we called a quilt out ta tha closeline and beat hit wid a broom. She wud smack that quilt an I bet a pound a dust wud come out.
When my pa saw that dust he didn’t say a wurd. Pa ain’t dumb and he figured out in a hurry whut wuz a goin’ on. Pa thought about hit and he begun ta laff . He laffed so hard he cudn’t beat me no more. Then I started in to laffin’. We both wuz a laffing so hard that ma herd us and come inta tha livin’ room ta see whut wuz a goin on. She tried not to laff but she cudn’t hold it in neither. Pa go us me and I figured I done over stayed my welcome and I lit out fur tha swamp.
The part that won’t funny is that tha cow didn’t give us no milk fer three weeks ather that.
Witchcraft in the country
You fount out in the nonexistent part 13 that Justin wuz superstishus. Everbuddy knowed why Lucky wuz superstishus. It happened when he wuz a baby.
When Lucky wuz ‘bout 2 years old he got a small red circle on his belly just below his navel and a li’l to the right side. Ma and Aunt Mary hit whut hit wuz. Hit wuz tha ringworm.
Author’s note:
Ringworm infection is caused by a fungus. Fungi (plural of fungus) that cause ringworm live and multiply on the outer layer of skin. A worm or other parasite does not cause ringworm.
Ringworm wuz sumpin’ mysterious. Everybuddy wud listern ta whut wuz passed roun’ ‘bout it and hit won’t purty. There wuz medicine that every buddy tried to git rid us hit. Aunt Mary started out with some salve that a man some by a sellin’ one day. That salve wuz black and smelt like tar. Aunt Mary put plenty on Lucky and he smelt like a tar pit. The ringworm didn’t pay that salve no mind. Hit just kept looping and looping roun’ Lucky’s belly.
Not listen folks this becomes real serious real quick.
That thing that everbuddy thought wuz a li’l worm a marching in circles ‘roun his waste kep on inch by inch cutting a path ‘roun Lucky. There wuz a sayin’ (an old wives tale) that when tha worm went all ‘roun a person that they’d die. Lucky! DIE! Why me and Lukey cudn’t stan that.
Aunt Mary kept trying to stop that worm frum a coming all ‘roun Lucky. Nothin’ stopped it and she went ta tha doctor with him. The doctor gave her a diffrunt kin a salve to put on it. This didn’t stink like the other’n did. He told her ta baring him back tamaroe. Which she did.
The doctor told her that there wuz nothin’ he cud so ta stop that “worm.” He tolt her not to bring him back ‘cause he cudn’t do nuttin’.
Wurd got ‘roun ‘bout Lucky and an old woman down tha road ‘bout three miles come to Aunt Mary’s house and tolt her she cud cure Lucky. Aunt Mary wuz glad she said she wud try because that ringworm wuz jest ‘bout two inched frum a meeting. It done started on hid belly and dug a path ‘roun him and she thought when that worm reached the startin’ point Lucky wud shorely die. Aunt Mary wuz a crying when she tolt Lettie Royal to fix him if she cud. Ma and me wuz thair when these thangs wuz a happnin.
Lettie Royal went and caught a black chicken from the yard and come to the house with hit unner her arm. She said ta Aunt Mary, “Put that yungun down on the front porch.” She walked over ta tha edge uf that porch and gave a pull on that black chicken’s head ‘til hit separated frum the chicken. The blood started squirtin’ everwhere. Then she took that chicken and let tha blood run on Lucky’s belly and all ‘roun him on that ringworm. (Aunt Mary had done pult off his li’l shirt so as to ‘spose his belly.)
(Now this whole thang had ta be real scary ‘cause I wuz the same age as Lucky and I still member it to this day.)
Ms. Lettie took that chicken and buried it in tha back yard. She tolt Aunt Mary not to wash that blood offern Lucky fer two hours. Which she didn’t.
Now git this good!!
In two days that ringworm on Lucky wuz gone. You cudn’t se where it wuz. I member ‘cause I herd them a talkin’ ‘bout that fer a long time ather that.
Now that’s tha oniest reason I can thank uf that made Lucky so superstishus.
A REDHEADED GHOST
One day I will take time and tell you more ‘bout Lettie Royal. There’s sum a tha strangest stories yet ta be tolt. Fer now let’s git back ta tha school right ather ressess.
When we left off Lucky and me had jest stopped fightin’ and it done tha trick jest like I knowed hit wud. I tolt chew bafor that when them other yunguns saw Lukey and Merleen a holdin’ hands bahine that tree my trubbles wuz over. And they wuz. Lukey never mentioned me and Margaret fer that whole school year. But that weren’t too long ‘cause we wuz goin’ ta school in July on account uf a hurricane. Hit wuz now tha last week in July and we wuz ‘spose ta start back ta school on August 18. So frum the last week in July ta August 18 we wuz outern school.
Now you know we three boys had a vacation frum school that wuz packed wid ‘citement. I won’t git inta all that “summer vacation” fun. I may jest tell uf hit later sum.
On that last day uf school in July Lukey held hands with Merleen, I tried ta look at Margaret many times as I cud. I never talked ta her a lot ‘cause I didn’t want ta take a chance uf them other yunguns makin’ her cry. (That wuz a thing I wud live to regret-not talkin’ ta her that is.)
Man! Them three weeks went by so fast. They come and went faster’n a high-speed BB shot.
(Now a high-speed BB shot is one that comes from a freshly oiled barrel of a just cleaned BB gun.)
Didn’t much happen that summer. Hit didn’t evun seem like we had been outern school at tall. Even tho hit wuz short vacation that first day back ta school wuz always loud and unruly. Tha bus picked up Lukcy and Lucky and then me. Ather I got on the nest stop wuz Margaret’s. Tha bus stopped at tha end of her driveway and tha driver blowed tha horn. We didn’t see nobody so he set down on tha horn and jest held it fer ‘bout a minute. Margaret didn’t come out so he drove off.
Ever one uf us had a favrite teacher and that’s tha one we wanted have. Lukey didn’t matter ‘cause he wuz a year ahead uf Lucky and me. Heck thair won’t but four I cared a thang ‘bout anyhow. I bet you can tell which ones they wuz. Yep you’re right! Lucky and me come first wid each other. We really wanted ta be in tha same room. Oh, yeah, I really wanted ta have Margaret in our room too. If I had to choose betwixt Lucky and Margaret I wud choose ____________. Ha! Ha! I ain’t gone a tell you that ‘un.
Tha truth is tho I wanted ta see that li’l read head. I shore did hope we wuz in tha same room. It turnt out that Lucky and me won’t in tha same room wid tha other’n. When I read tha list on tha bulletin board that tolt where I wuz ‘sposed ta go, Lucky, Margaret and me won’t neither one in tha same room. I read tha other pages ta see jest which room they wur in. Lucky and Me wuz in rooms just ‘cross tha hall frum each other. Margaret wuz in….
Whur wuz her name? I looked at tha other pages and looked at them agin.
HER NAME WUZZEN’T THAIR. That’s right! Her name won’t on any uf tha pages. Thair had ta be sum mistake. Did she move to a nuther school? Wuz she sick or sumpin? I tolt you tha first day wuz fillt wid everthang wild. All us yunguns wuz reddy fer recess when hit come. I wuz shore I cud fine her on tha play groun’. WRONG! She jest won’t at that schoolhouse ennywhur. Now this tore me up purty bad. I fine’ly had ta amitt ta myself that I wuz in luv. Now I wuz in luv wid a ghost.
(Author’s Note: Let me regress for just a story or two)
The School Bus Air Force
I told you we had two weeks off frum school but I didn’t tell you uf whut happent in them two weeks. Since tha three uf us had such a good time you need ta hear ‘bout it.
It started the very furst thang-on the way home frum school even.
School let out on Monday. (Now why the heck would thay make us come ta school on Monday and let out at dinner for tha rest uf tha year? I will never unnerstan whut thay’s thanking so mise well quit tryin’.) When it let out it wuz the first day in a long time that we didn’t have any books to carry home. There wuz jest some papers that tha teacher sent home. (Now why in the worl wud she send papers home on the las day uf school? That’s a nuther one a them thangs I’ll never unnerstan.) I didn’t thank they wuz inn portant so I made some paper aero planes and throwed them ‘round on the bus. Fore long there wuz enuff a them paper planed flying all over tha place in that bus. Then somebuddy come up with tha idea to throw one out a tha winder uf tha bus. Then from ever winder there appeared a hand holdin’ a beautifully folded paper plane pertendin’ it really wuz a flying. Tha yunguns started to lettin’ them planes go out the winder. That high school driver of tha bus yelled ta tha top us her voice fer everone ta stop throwin them thangs outern the winder and sit down. ( Last day uf school and we wuz on our way home. Won’t gone happen.)
Wid the throwin’ uf them planes, we got a notion to name our paper menagerie “tha school bus air force.” Tha law stopped tha bus and made us stan in tha sunshine while some uf them took us over one at a time and questioned us tryin’ ta git tha truth frum us ‘bout who started it. I wuz really sweatin’ it ‘cause hit wuz me that done it. I wuz lucky, none uf them tolt. I guess it really wuz hard ta tell who done it.
Hit wuz near dark when tha sheriff deputy come an parked in our makeshift driveway. I’s in tha livin’ room and I wuz scairt as a rabbit a runnin’ frum an eagle. He wuz shore ta git caught and so wuz I. I counted ever step tha deputy made across tha porch ta tha front door. One, two, three, four, five, six. Tat wuz tha first time ever knowed there wuz six steps across our front porch.
When he knocked on tha door pa got up ta answer it. That wuz sumpin pa never done. He allus tolt me ta do it. Pa had saw that deputy thru tha winder next ta tha door so he figured he might jest better anser tha door this time hisself. Which he did. I heard him tell pa ‘bout how them paper planes wuz a flying out a tha winders uf tha bus. Pa didn’t say a thing he jest lissend. When tha sheriff wuz thru a tellin’ tha story pa thanked him and he left tha same way he come. Pa turnt ‘roun ta me and I spected him ta take out his belt and git down ta tha beatin’. He did pull out his belt but his pants fell to his knees. He reached down and pult them back up and put his belt back in. I wanted to laff so bad but I knew if I did hit wuddent matter if his pants did fall down he wud pull out that belt and whallop me. So pa jest looked at me. He didn’t do nuttin. Now that scairt me.
Next morning pa got me up early. I done fergot ‘bout that night bafore and the deputy a comin’ but pa haddent. He made me put on my close. And said ta me come on boy we got us a place ta go. We went down the road walking towards my cuzins’ house. When we got thair he tolt uncle Bill what tha sheriff man had tolt him. Then him and Uncle Bill made up a plan. Uncle bill got Lukey and Lucky up by slammin’ tha door ta tha room whur they slep. When they routed out and got thur close on pa and Uncle Bill and we three went off walkin’ up the road. I knowed whut wuz ‘bout ta happen. Pa wuz a gone make us pick up then airplanes. Which they did. We picked up paper planes fur ‘bout four miles. The planes wuz gittin kinda few and far betwixt an batweeen. Pa held up his hand and I knew that wuz the signal to stop. Pa and Uncle Bill talked in a low voice so we cudn’t hear whut they said. When they finished talkin’ pa said, “now you boys has been showed what we want this here road ta look like. Ather dinner you three gone come back here ta this spot and walk frum here to town pickin’ up paper. Me and Bill don’t want ta see a single bit uf paper when we ride down this road.”
I said, “Pa, all this trash ain’t ours.” I jest shuddn’t a said that.
Pa said, “jest fer mouthin’ off yall will pick up tha trash tha other way past tha house for three miles too. He wuz right I jest should a kept my big mouth shut.
One more Saturday
Lukey, Lucky and me played in tha swamp for the whole first week we wuz out uv school.
While we wuz a playing in tha swamp we come across a big cocoon. We tried ta figure out whut wuzs in it. Hit wuz made jest like a cocoon. Hit had he same look as a cocoon. It wuz ‘tached ta a long limb on a tree that stuck out ‘bout 14 feet I guessed. We ‘cided that if’n we wuz gone ta see whut wuz in that thing we hat ta climb a tree. Which one uf us wuz it gone ta be? Only thing ta do wuz ta draw straws. Tha one with tha longest straw had ta climb up and knock it down. Lucky won’t lucky that day cause he done got tha longest straw. Hit wuz quite a distance frum tha first limb to the groun’. Tha way we got him up high e’nuff ta reach tha limbs wuz this. Lukey let me stan’ on his shoulders and then Lucky clumb up Lukey me an me till he reach tha limb an when he did it wuz nothing fer him ta get on up thair where tha cocoon wuz. It wuz a purty thang and we wuz gone ta watch it ‘til hit hatched.
Lucky couldn’t quite reach that thang ta knock hit down so he broke off a limb and knocked it ta tha groun’. When it hit tha groun’ some of tha orneriest thangs come outern that thang I ever saw. Hit wuz a hornet’s nest. Me and Lukey run hard as we could. Hit wuz hornets an we cuddn’t run fastern they wuz a flyin’. Lucky turned out ta be tha lucky one that time. Them hornets took out after me and Lukey and Lucky being up that tree didn’t so much as git one sting. When that thing busted open and them hornets rushed out it sounded kinda like a airplane that dusts cotton. That plane has a buzz about hit you won’t forget if you ever heard it. Them hornets had that same kinda sound. Along with that noise come sumpin’ else. Them buggers ever one had a hammer an they wuz a swingin’ it an a hittin’ me in tha head. Lukey run faster’n me an that meant I got more stings than he did. We both made it ta tha creek and jumped in. we helt our heads unner tha water and that’s the only way we could keep frum being stung. Ever time I lifted my head outern the water I them hornets come ather me agin. I helt my head down unner tha water ‘til I wuz shore I wuz gone a git drownded.
When them dive bummin’ bugs stopped and moved on, me and Lukey got up from tha creek and high tailed hit ta tha house. Lukey run faster and left me. I didn’t know but one thang ta do and that wuz to run home to ma. She counted them stingers and come up with twenty five part on my head and part on my neck. Ever one uf ‘em burnin’ like a hot iron helt ta me. Ma made hit better by her a tellin’ me it wuz gone be alright. They’s jest sumpin’ ‘bout her touchin’ ‘em that made it better. She rubbed some uf that stinking black salve on each spot and tolt me ta lay on the couch and she brought me some ice tea to drank. Now all this attention she give me almost made it worth them stingers.
Come to find out Lukey’s ma did jest ‘bout tha same thang ta him. Lucky stayed up in that tree ‘till me and Lukey run ‘bout a hunnert miles (or so it seemed.) He then clumb down and went a running home tha long way thru tha swamp. He never had a place on him got stung.
It wuz Saturday before I felt much like gittin out. I planned ta get ta Lukey and Lucky’s house and roam tha swamp but pa had other ideas. Hit wuz 5:30 in tha mornin’ when he come inta my room and woke me up. He said, “Get up boy you got one more trip to town a pickin’ up paper.” I couldn’t believe it! This wuz my last Saturday before that school started back. I shore knowed bettern ta talk back now.
Turns out Uncle Bill made tha two other air plane flyers come and help me pick up paper. It turnt out that this last trip wuzn’t so bad ather all. You see we begin fine bottles that wuz throwed out uf cars. We picked ‘em up ‘cause they’d bring 2 cents apiece at the store just down tha road when we finished a pickin’ up paper and bottles we had three feed bags full uf paper an two sacks uf bottles. When we wuz back at tha house ather we solt them bottles, we all had fifty cents and that wuz enough ta git us inta the pitcher show in town two times apiece.
Rid uv tha redhead fer a spell
All I could say was, “You member me?” when I stood on the porch or Ms. Lettie’s house.
“Why I shore do. Now sumpin must be mighty ‘portant fer you ta come up ta my house like iss,” she kinda whined out, “Yore Justin McBride that yungun what had the ringworms awhile back. Now jess whut iss it I kin do fer tha likes a you?”
I’s a standin’ on her porch an I wuz a fixin ta run when she said, “Don’t be ‘fraid, son, I wudn’t hurt a hair I n n need sumpin’ o, o, o, o, only you can git fer me.” I muttered. And I stood there trying my bess ta hole still.
What mitten that be my Justin McBride?” She said with the kind of eyes that could look slam through a body. Them eyes looked like they’s a looking slam into the pit of hades and I wuz a wishin’ I’d stayed to home.
sentence and said, “If’n ye want eeennny thang frum me boy don’t ever call me Mrs. Royal agin. Ye call me Aunt Lettie Ye hear?” I heard and frum the way her voice sounded I wuz shore Lukey and Lucky heard it too. Hit wuz a loud rumlin’ kind uv sound. When I finely got my mind strate I ask her, “Ms. Royal…” She stopped me right in tha middle uv that Since that bad ‘port card and whut wid not havin’ Margaret ‘roun no more I figuurd I might just need what that old witch had. I knowed fer a fact she keyord me uv them ringworms. I felt like had a “spell” on me frum sumpin’. I cuudn’t eat, sleep, consuntrate, my hearin’ wuz almost gone, an tha most in portant thang I didn’t want ta see Lukey nor Lucky. I jest wanted ta be lef alone.
I wuz standin on Lettie Royal’s front porch jest thinking whut I wuz gone a ask fer ta help.
I got over that and she said, “C’mon boy I ain’t got all day.”
So I tolt her. “Ms Lettie, they’s this girl I know and thinkin’ uv her makes me hurt real bad. I thank I’m
gone a have a hearty tack or worse. I need sumpin’ to make me fergit her.”
She let out a laugh and I jest knowed I done tha wrong thing. I turned ‘roun ta run and she grabbed me by
the shirt collar an turnt me back a roun’ an said, “Whur you off ta boy don’t you want my hep?”
I blurted out, “Shore I do but I don’t want ta be scairt ta death.”
When I finely got my mind strate I ask her, “Ms. Royal…” She stopped me right in tha middle uv that sentence and said, “If’n ye want eeennny thang frum me boy don’t ever call me Mr Royal agin. Ye call me Aunt Lettie Ye hear?” I heard and frum the way her voice sounded I wuz shore Lukey and Lucky heard it too. Hit wuz a loud rumlin’ kind uv sound.
She said, “you got enny money?”
“Yeah, I got fifty cent,” I tolt her.
Man did she ever laugh when I said that. Fifty cent wuz more money than I seen in a whole year an I wuz willing ta pay her all uv hit if’n she cuud git Margaret offern my back. She tolt me she wuz all outern spells now but if’n I’d come back ta marrow she’d fix me sumpin that’d wurk fer a while but not forever. I tolt her
I wuud but alls I wanted ta do wuz git offern that porch and run.
Tha Sweet Taste uv Love
I did go back ta Lettie Royal’s house the nexe day cepin’ I didn’t go by myself. I took my best two friends wid me. Lukey, Lucky and me (now there’s a story in that statement somewhere) no sooner’d we step up on that porch and we heard Lettie squeal out, “You three boys come a lookin fer sumpin or you jest come here to cause truble?”
I’s tha one whut wanted her help so I’s tha one spoke up, “Ms Lettie, it’s me Justin McBride you member?”
She said, “I know who all three uv ye be. I jest want ta know whut ya want?”
Lukey and Lucky backed up offen tha porch and wuz a fixin’ ta run when tha door opent and out popped that ole woman’s head. She didn’t look terrible bad. I cuud stan ta look at her. Fact is she kinda minded me uv my grandma cept’n fer that voice. I never heard nuttin’ like that in my whole life. She tore inta Lukey and Lucky and said, “Now jest whur you boys thank you’re a goin’?” They both stopped in their tracks and turnt roun’. Then she said, “If’n you chillen be scairt then go on and run but if you want my hep then come on inta tha house.” I shore wanted her hep. I tought I wuz gittin’ over Margaret but fact is, I won’t makin’ much headway wid that. Shore I cuud study a lil and I got ta whur I cuud sleep but she wuz a still tormentin’ me sumpin awful. Lucky and Lukey really didn’t want nuttin they’s jest here wid me so’zun I wouldn’t git throwed in a pot an boilt alive.
Lettie took hold uv me and pult me inta tha house. Lucky an Lukey won’t gone ta let her kill me so they come a runnin’ in after me. When we all three got inside sumpin mazing happent. Lettie’s voice changed and it sounded natural. Why hit even sounded human. Hit wuz a voice I cuud even put up wid. She asked me whut I wuz a wantin’ and I tolt her ‘bout Margaret and hows it wuz that she wuz a tormentin’ me.
I said, “Ms Lettie I need a spell to git her offern my mind for I go plumb crazy.”
She says, “Whut you two fellers want.” They wuz really jest here wid me but both uv ‘em said at tha same time, “I dun,,n..n..no.”
She squinted up her eyes kinda spicious like and tole them she already knowed whut they wuz here fer. How she knowed these thangs I jest didn’t know.
She tolt Lukey, “You got girl troubles too but yourn ain’t tha same kind. You’re a wantin’ me ta give ya sumpin ta keep a girl an yore in luck I got jest whut ya need.” She pointed her fanger at Lucky and said, “An you lil feller want sumpin ta make you never ta git like these two other yunguns over a girl.”
She shore wuz right in whut she thought ‘bout all three uv us. Lukey wanted more romance, I wanted less and Lucky wanted none. So here’s whut she done. She mixed up some stuff and poured it in a bottle and handed it ta me. She mixed some more stuff in with the other stuff an give hit ta Lucky. She put some more stuff in the mixture and give hit ta Lukey.
She looked direct at me and said, “ Justin McBride when you tase this potion it will be bitter but hit will make ye fergit that lil red head.” How she knowed Margaret wuz redheaded I ain’t never figured out.
She looked at Lucky an said, “John Elton Pope, drink this mix an hit will tase like nuthin, but don’t drink too much jest a drop will do.”
The hit wuz Lukey’s turn. She tolt him, “William Earl Pope, Jr. When you drink this hit will tase sweetern’ ice tea. Mind ye don’t take but ‘bout two drops to a time.”
Then she said, “Give me them fifty cents ye all got.” Boy we didn’t wase enny time a puttin’ three bright fifty cent pieces into her boney lil hand. When we did she said, “Now go on git.”
How she knowed them names I will never figure out. But we didn’t stop ta ask questions. We high tailed it ta home. Why even you didn’t know them ‘til jest now.
Growing up is hard to do
As we three were walking home we were talking a mile a minute. You could tell we were still scared because our voices had a kind of whisper in them. When I talked it felt like I had to blow hard to get enough strength to say a word.
All of us had a picture of Lettie Royal in our heads. Lukey told us of her bony Little fingers and how she didn’t have enough meat to fill up her skin. He said she looked like a skeleton. Her bones were about to poke holes in her skin. Which they were.
All of a sudden, we remembered the three bottles. We all three pulled them out at the same time. Neither wanted to be the first to take a swallow. Lukey (always the bravest) took his bottle and touched it to his lips and a great big smile filled his face. He told us that it was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted. He said it wuz better than his ma’s ice tea on a hot day. It was the sweet taste of real love and he was in love with Merleen Griffin.
Lucky took his bottle and took a taste. He swore that he didn’t taste a thing. It was like water-no taste at all. He wasn’t in love, didn’t want to be in love and that might be why his stuff had no taste.
I then took the bottle Lettie had given me and just touched my tongue to the rim of the bottle. I began to cough, spit, gag, and wipe that stuff off of my lips. That was the bitterest thing I had ever put in my mouth. I could see then why that old woman didn’t tell me about taking too much. She knew I wouldn’t take too much. You couldn’t over dose on that potient. All three bottles of Lettie’s fixing’s done the job. From that day on Lukey wouldn’t look at another girl except Merleen. Lucky didn’t look at any girls at all. And me, I very slowly forgot about Margaret. Even though when I saw a redheaded girl or woman for that matter I took kind of a relapse.
Something else happened that day. We grew up. For once we had took our lives into our own hands and played with the future.
Time would tell tha story uv jest how them three lil bottles frum Lettie wurked and jest how good they worked. I will tell you this: them bottles uv juice never touched our lips agin. They had lasting effects. This won’t be my last seein’ Lettie Royal.
Tha nex day at school Lukey and Merleen was seen holding hands. She looked more “mooney-eyed” than him. We didn’t know tha stuff in tha bottles would work on whoever it was you wanted ta impress tha same way they did with you even if’en only one of you did tha tasting. Ta Lucky and me that was tha start of sump’n stupid. Lukey won’t hardly ever able ta join us in tha swamp anymore. It wuz usually Lucky and me by ourself. We still had fun but it won’t tha same. I had more fun at school than I did at home after all I had chores ta do at home. I didn’t mind homework. My ‘port card come up from just barely passing ta strate “A’s,” nothing but “A’s. That by itself was enuff ta make that visit ta Lettie’s worth it all.
Things changed ‘roun hard for the three uv us. Lukey didn’t run ta tha door uv tha school and wait for Lucky and me no more. He was always walking Merleen ta her classes and toting her books. That was alright it only meant we had ta find other methods of having fun. Witch we did.
Lucky and me needed some fun. So we made us some.
Lucky brought a fake snake ta school with him in his overhaul pocket. When all tha other yunguns went out ta recess Lucky stayed behin and put that snake inta tha middle drawer of tha teacher’s desk. Him and me cuudn’t wait fer recess ta be over. But we did. When she opened that drawer she screamed and almost fell backwards. She would have too if she hadn’t hit the blackboard wid her chur.
Tha teacher, Miss Opel Price, wanted ta know who did that really bad. She said, “You boys and girls will tell me who did this or else you won’t have recess again until you do.” Which we didn’t.
*Tha only two that knew about it was Lucky and me and we won’t about ta tell. So Miss Price made tha entire class stay in at tha next recess. Just think Lukey was out there holding hands and kissing and we wuz inside with our heads on our desks. (That used ta be one type a punishment when something like isss wus done.) We might as well enjoy it because until one of us fessed up we wuz all in jail.
THE POWER OF TWO
Tha nex day just before recess Ray Mullins went up ta tha teacher’s desk. He tolt her, “Miss Price I wuz tha one put that snake in yore desk.” Now just why did he do that. Lucky and Me knew he didn’t do it. He must be stupid. This isn’t how it was supposed ta be. No one was supposed ta get punished fer this. That’s what made hit so funny. She didn’t have no ideeee who did it and she never wuud.
Miss Price said, “Alright the rest of the class can go out for recess early. Ray you stay right here.”
Jest then Lucky did tha same stupid thing. He went up ta tha desk and said, “Miss price, he never done that I did.” What in the world! Now it must be my turn ta confess. I just cuddn’t do it. Now what happened next was a miracle. One by one them yunguns in that room lined up at tha teacher’s desk and admitted ta doing that job.
Miss Price said, “Now all of you didn’t do it. So if you didn’t do it take your seats.” Nobody set down. They all just stood thair. Miss Price’s face turned forty shades uv red. You could tell she was fuming under tha collar. Then she said, “Class go out ta tha playground. You too Ray.”
I had never seen such a thing before. Every one uv tha boys and girls stood fast. The teacher couldn’t tell who to send ta the Principal’s office. I never saw anything like that before and I never saw it again until one day I stood isolated and my friends stood up for me. But that’s another story. After recess she never mentioned hit. It wuz from then on like hit never happened.
Since them kids stood together like they done there never was a playground fight for tha rest of that year.
Bought fer a Price
I t turns out that Ray Mullins wuz the son of Marquette Mullins and she wuz richern two foot up a cow, ifern ya know whut I mean. That night Ray tolt his ma ‘bout whut wuz happenin’ at school and she gave Ray enough quarters (yeah $.25) to give every one uv them yunguns a quarter ta stan up an say they done hit. I only fount that out when everbuddy started talkin’ ‘bout hit at recess. Now since Lucky an me done hit we didn’t git a quarter.
That wuz a nuther time we got outern smpin slick as a whistle. Ray had somehow fount out our secret. But why didn’t he just tell on us. It wuud shore meant a whuppin at school and a nuther at home. Ray’s ma knew tha teacher and she didn’t particular like her. That’s a nuther reason he done whut he done.
Man, when the bell rung to let school out Lucky an me run fast as we cuud to tha bus. We didn’t make ta tha bus. Ray stopped us in tha hall and we really fount out why he confessed.
He said, “Frum now on you two gone a be doin’ whut I say or else.” Turns out Ray wuz smartern we thought he wuz. We had been bought like slaves and didn’t even see hit comin’ Frum then on tha ress uv tha year when hit come his turn ta pick up trash on tha playgroun’ Lucky an me hat ta do hit fer him. If’n hit come his turn ta beat out tha arasers, one a us had ta do it. Me an Lucky give up a lot uv recess time doing’ thangs in place uv him. Boy! We jest had ta fine a way ta git evun wid him. Which we did.
Lucky and me kep on pickin’ up trash, beatin’ out arasers, and cleaning the blackboards an Ms. Price didn’t even do a thing ‘bout it. Ever board cleaned, raser dusted out, or piece of paper picked up we wuz thankin’ uv jest how we wuz gone a git even wid Ray.
I come up wid a plan an this un wuz probly the best one ever.
One day while we wuz a pickin’ up trash me an Lucky come up on a kinda uv big paper sack. They wuz sumpin’ in it and Ray saw me pick it up. I opened up tha sack and reached in and pult out a big jack knife. Ray wuz a watchin all this happen. He knowed we fount somethin’ but he cuudn’t see what hit wuz bafore I put it into my pocked. I made shore uv that.
It’s in tha bag
….I looked in tha bag fer something else and that’s when I saw it. Ray saw it too and he come over and took the bag folded it up and put it into his shirt pocket.
……………….?????
Inside the bag someone had drawed a map of some sort. When I looked into it I saw funny writing on it. There wuz a puzzelin’ picture in it. That picture made my skin crawl. It wuz a drawin’ of a witches hat and some words under it I couldn’t read. I jest knowed Ray wouud brang it back to us ‘cause he cuudn’t read it neither. Every map I ever heard uv had a X to mark some kind uv thang.
Shore nuff, Ray come up to me and Lucky next morning fore tha teacher got ta tha room and he showed us that bag where he had tore it open and laid it out flat. It wuz a picture of our swamp (I recognized that right off.) it jest so happent this map wuz uv a place a little further inta tha swamp than where we wuz use ta playin’. Hit wuz past whur we fount that liquor still and then some.
There wuz also some signs and symbols on tha map. Ray said he never seen anything like it. He wuz particular innerested in the X on tha paper. Lucky and me wuz innerested too, but like Lucky an me cided tha night before we didn’t appear ta be too innerested. We wuz ‘bout ta bust but we didn’t want him to know it.
Jest as soon as I seen them signs and symbols on that bag I knowed they only cudda come frum one person-Lettie Royal! Yep I seen some uv tha same thang on her wall when I wuz in her house. Lukey an Lucky never noticed them signs. Probably ‘cause they only been in thair one time and I been thair two times. I went one time by myself one time wid them ta git them potion bottles. I knowed right off, and I tolt Ray so, that Lettie Royal wuz tha only answer ta them designs in the sack.
It’s just a stone’s throw away
I might as well tell you up front that that thing I tuck out uv that bag bafore Ray tuck hit frum me wuz a rock. It wuz kinda shaped like a egg and flat like a biscuit. There wus some marks on hit like you’d make wid a nail, they wuz tha same kind uv marks wuz on tha bag inside. I knowed that wuud come back ta Ray’s mine bafore long.
That same day at recess Ray come up to us and said, “Ok, Porky, what did you take outta that bag?” I tolt him hit won’t nuttin but a rock probably put in thair ta keep tha bag frum blowin away. He fell fer it and we didn’t say no more ‘bout hit jest then. That rock wuud be talked ‘bout agin. I left hit home so Ray cuddn’t take hit frum me. He wuz bigger than me and Lucky and I didn’t want to take eeeny chances.
Ray did jest whut I thought he wuud. He come back agin and wanted that rock ‘cause they wuz the picher of a rock on tha inside uv tha bag. He still cuudn’t make out tha words and I knew the only person that cuud. I had ta remine him uv Lettie Royal and that she wuz tha only one that cuud sypher them words. I tolt him I didn’t have hit and really I didn’t because I had it hid at tha house.
Ray wanted Lucky and me ta go wid him ta tha swamp. We both knowed that wuz a comin’. I tolt him that tha only one would go back there wuz Lukey. He had ta git Lukey ta go wid him. He thought ‘bout hit fer a minute and he figurd that wuud be tha thang ta do.
That day I made up fer Lucky ta tell Lukey ‘bout that rock and ta give hit ta him. Which he did. When I give tha rock ta Lukey I showed him tha scratchin’ on it. There wuz some lines on one side and a X on tha other. Wid that X on tha map and that X on tha rock I thought they wuz ta go tagether. I tolt Lukey what I saw in tha bag.
Now I know whut you are thanking, “Jest whut wuz Lucky and me thankin’?” We wuz a givin’ up a chance uv a lifetime. I know that’s whut you thank but you got a nuther thank a comin’.
Now if Ray has tha map and Lukey has tha rock they are shore ta git tagether and try and fine whut thay thank is a treasure. The key word is “thank.”
Ather school thair won’t enuff time ta git inta them woods. So that meant they wuud have ta wait ta Saturdy to go huntin’. Me an Lucky cuudn’t wait for them ta go. We wuz jest gonna watch and see whut they fount. Now don’t git too spicious ‘bout this plan right now. There’s sumpin up that’s shore.
Saturdy is always tha bess day uv tha week fer us yunguns. We run and played down in that swamp all day ‘til near dark. This Saturdy wuz special.
Ray rode his bicycle ta Lukey and Lucky’s house. He got thair ‘bout 6:30 in tha mornin’ and ta tha woods. Lucky an me let them git a ways down tha trail we had in the branch and then we follered them a pieced back. We were shore that we didn’t want to lose them although I won’t worried ‘bout that. I knowed where they wuz a goin.
Lukey an Ray kep stopping and lookin at that map and staring at that rock. We heard them a talkin’ and we laffed under our breath. We cuudn’t laff too loud ‘cause we didn’t want them to hear us an we wuz purty close ta them.
They wuz making purty good time follerin’ that map. Hit led them deeper and deeper inta tha branch and soon al four uv us wuz deeper than Ray, Lukey and Lucky had never been dis deep in the woods. I had!
We stayed thair all day an they give up an went home. Me and Lucky follered them. Out of the woods.
Them two, Ray and Lukey, needed help with that map stuff and I knew it.
The signs of a witch
That Saturday we spent in tha branch won’t much good. Lukey told me that Ray and him needed some help wid them letters and marks on that map. He figured I wuud tell him sumpin. Which I did. I tolt him that tha only one I knowed that’d come clost ta knowing wuz Lettie Royal. She knowed all ‘bout witch stuff and that wuz whut on that paper-witch signs. Him and Ray said that wuz tha only way ta fine out and they wuz willin’ ta go ta her if’n Me and Lucky wuud go wid ‘em. Ather all we cuud go thair after school.
We had ta stay ‘round tha house on Sunday but we made up ta go ta Lettie’s house Monday right ather school.
Monday at school that’s all Ray wanted ta talk about. He cuudn’t keep that map secret ta hisself. Soon all tha yunguns in that room knowed he had a “treasure” map. He carried it in his pocket and showed it to some uv the boys in tha class. They wuz all very impressed. I too acted very impressed although I knowed the truth ‘bout that map and that rock.
Three a clock took its very own time a comin’. Finely that bell rung. Lucky, Ray and Me hit tha door a runnin’ and on ta tha bus. Lukey come out right bahine us an tha four uv us jest as close as we cuud on tha bus.
Rocks and map, map and rock, that’s all we cuud talk about. We four knowed we wuz goin’ ta Lettie’s house soon as we got off the bus and put our books up. Ray had done made up wid his maw ta git off the bus at Lukey’s house. Them three wuz a waitin’ when I got thair to Lucky’ house. We ran all tha way to Lettie Royals’ house and they stood in tha yard whilst I went up and knocked on tha door.
Lettie peeped from a winder bafore openin’ tha door. When she finely did open it she said in that weasilly voice, “Come in my little fiends.” Which we did.
When we got inside uv tha house……
Working for the state-two digging and two watching
Once inside tha house we wuz all a lookin’ ‘round seein’ whut pictures and ghostly thangs Lettie had on her walls. Thair wuz some uf them same pichers as them on the map an rock.
Tha first wurds she spoke sent chills up and down our arms. She said, “Show me that map an that rock.” Hit wuz jest like she knowed why we wuz thair. Lukey give her tha rock and Ray pult out the map and handed it ta me ‘cause he didn’t want ta git too clost ta her. I tuck hit and handed hit ta her. When I did she kind uf winked at me.
She give me a pencil an tolt me ta write whut she said on some places of the map. She pointed her boney little fangers ta whur she wanted me ta write. I did just like she said and in no time that map made sense. Now for tha rock. She tuck tha rock and laid hit on the hearth in front uf tha farplace and reached over ta tha poker and tuck hit and give that rock a whack and hit broke strate through tha middle. Then she tuck tha rock and held hit up to the end uf the map and you cuud see ‘zackley whair ta look fer whatever that X stood fer. ‘Least, I cuud see whair it meant ‘cause I knowed ever inch uf that swamp. I didn’t let on that I knowed jest whur ta go digging ‘cause I didn’t want them other boys ta thank I wuz a gone steal whatever that wuz.
We left tha house uf Lettie Royal and made up ta go an dig up that thang, whatever hit wuz tha next day right after school since we kowed pert near whair ta go.
I stepped off tha bus and went into tha house on the run ta change outern my school close and wait fer Lukey, Lucky and Ray our new partner. I got pa’s shovel so’zen we cuud dig. When they come along we headed out ta tha branch and straight ta tha X spot. That wuz easy since I knowed jest whur ta dig. Course since I knowed whair ta dig I thought hit’d be bess if I let Lukey and Ray do tha diggin. Lucky kep wantin’ ta dig some and I jest kep pullin’ at him till he finely got tha message. Me and him jest stood thair and let them other two dig.
Hit didn’t take long bafore they wuz into tha biggest surprise uf the century.
Stinking mud in a treasure hole
Ray and Lukey were busy diggin’ a hole. Lucky and me were watching. As they dug they found tha dirt soft and squishy. That dirt stuck ta tha shovel and had ta be jarred off by hittin’ tha shovel on the groun’. Hit won’t hard diggin’ hit wuz jest hard ta git tha dirt off the shovel. Ray had a good idea. He wanted Lukey and him to try diggin’ wid their hands. They laid the shovel down and got down on their knees an began ta lift that dirt out with their bare hands. The deeper they dug the more they got into mud. Ray and Lukey both had mud from their fingertips to their elbows.
Soft dirt, easy diggin’ but tha dirt moved out of that hole was smelling real bad. Tha further they dug tha more it stunk. Lukey figured it out! What they were diggin’ in was horse manure-pure old horse crap.
Lucky and me didn’t have a spec of that stuff on us. That’s the way I had it planned.
I told you before Lucky and me would git even wid Ray and we also owed Lukey a li’l taste of “git back.”
Here’s how I done it. Ever since I went to Lettie’s house for a anti-love potion she and I had become real good friends. Hit won’t nuttin’ for me ta go ta her house two or three times a week. I fount out she won’t whut folks said she wuz. Now I admit she wuz a li’l different but she wuz kind an unnerstandin’. When I asked her about something to git even wid Ray and Lukey she give me some purty good ideas. All uv ‘em had sumpin ta do wid them woods. She tolt me ‘bout makin’ a map and hit wuz her idear about that rock and them pichers on that bag’s inside and when she tolt me what to write on that map, I already knowed whut she wuz a gone tell me. I had ta git a bucket of stuff out uv tha horse stable and go down there and bury it at tha place the X pointed to; which I did about two weeks bafore. I wuz jest gone a git even wid Lukey but tat thing wid Ray made hit dubly good.
Them two had ta git home wid that smell all over them. When Justin McBride gets even he gets even.
Tha rest you already know or you are pretty close to figuring out. Lettie Royal turned out to be a good friend of Justin. When he had something serious ta talk about he went to Lettie’s house. This had been goin’ on ever since that potion deal.
Author’s note:
(From now on the story of Lukey, Lucky and me takes on a different style. As the boys grew up teachers and other kids at school influenced them and they began to use more acceptable vernacular in their verbiage. The fun didn’t stop but the language did.)
Changes that are forever
After that journey to treasure dung hill the now group of three had become a group of four. Ray and Lukey stuck together like horse _______ oh well you know what. It took a while for them to get the smell of their hands and arms. That stuff got underneath their fingernails and it took more that a week for them to be normal.
Lukey was turning 13 and he had a girl. Lucky, Ray, and Me were about to make 12. Lukey thought he was grown and we couldn’t wait to be 13.
Our tricks and mischievious antics took on a different air. Then like us our schemes “grew up.”
After that trick Lucky and I pulled on Ray and Lukey, something happened to the string holding the group together. It just snapped. We were never as close as before. We were nearing the transition into high school (well we thought about it a lot.) out diction was improving and the teachers saw to that. Ain’t, dis, dat, ta other, dere and words of the like were disappearing from out speaking. Although one of them “snuck” in ever now and then.
One thing happened in those woods that day, we all grew up a lot. It proved to be more serious than any of us knew. Things never were the same. We didn’t mean it to be that way. We still had fun just not that kind.
We still rode the same bus but we played fewer tricks. Things were certainly getting more and more serious. Oh, we still pulled stunts as was typical for boys to do. I remember one good one.
I told you Ray was bigger and stronger than the rest of the boys in the class. He stood nearly a head taller. He could pick two of the other boys up and hold them so they couldn’t get loose. This came in handy more than once. One of the new teachers was a lot younger than the rest. In fact she was pretty. She drove one of them little bug like cars. They called it a “VW” whatever that was. Anyway that thing wasn’t big or heavy on the front end and Ray could pick it up. He could pick up the front by himself; With Lukey and me helping we could pick up the back, one wheel at a time. The three of us lifted the rear off the ground. We had a watermelon that we cut into two halves and while we lifted Lucky put half under the back wheel. We did the same thing on the other side. You can get the picture better if you just think of that little car with two wheels sitting in half a watermelon each. When Mrs. Hall came out to go home she put it in gear and that little car would only spin the wheels. Mrs. Hall tried for nearly an hour to get that car to move. She finally got one of the other boys to tear at that melon until she could get traction and drive off. Now that was a prank that made the school paper complete with pictures of that “bug” sitting on that melon. That was a classic.
Everybody knew who did that to Mrs. Hall’s car but no one said a word. They were too busy laughing. These were the kinds of hygincs that we pulled from then on. We made sure we didn’t even consider pulling anything on each other. (Except once in a while.)
Then there was that time we put Mr. Orbeson’s Cushman Scooter into the back of a pickup that belonged to Mr. Norris the shop teacher.
Messing with your head
Merleen and Lukey were still holding hands. Lucky wouldn’t look at a girl and I was in neutral when it came to romance. I guess it was because of that potion from Aunt Lettie. You remember her don’t you?
I saw Aunt Lettie Royal about twice a week. It was good for her and great for me. Lettie gave me more than candy. She taught me how to “do” things; like how to find water with a grape vine or any fruit bearing forked branch, how to tell how deep it was. Among her many “talents,” were removing warts with broom straw, talking fire out of a burned person, stop blood flow when someone is bleeding to death and all sorts of spells. I knew her better than anyone else. Some of these things she passed on to me. Only one thing-if I chose to charge money then I would lose the “power.” I think these abilities are the work of “white” magic. I became Lettie’s adopted son and we got along great. I could make her smile with a word and she liked to smile.
One thing I wanted to find out from Aunt Lettie. I had to know what was in that potion she made for Lukey, Lucky and Me. She held me in suspense for at least two weeks before she tole me the truth. I had guessed and guessed but she would only smile. Finally one day when I was about to leave I asked her once more about that potion.
She said, “Sonny boy, all three of them bottles was just sugar water and yours had a little quinine in it. The rest of it was in your head. You see if you can mess with a person’s head you can influence the way they act.”
She could say what she wanted to I know that juice worked. I plum forgot that red headed girl in two or three days. Lucky won’t even look at a girl and Lukey got closer and closer to Merleen. She finally showed me how to mix that stuff and it really was mostly water. She only added the “flavor” after she learned what the need was. Man did she have some “flavors” in her kitchen cabinets.
She assured me that is was all in the head of those who wanted it to be.
